The Pinetree and the Illuminati Dorito (BillDip OnesShots)

Bill! Bill! Bill! Bill! Bill! Bill Nye the Science Guy!

*Note~ this is before Weirdmaggeddon. Mkay? Mkay.*

"Bill no."

"Bill YES."

I fought for the remote control from Bill. He was trying to steal it from me but I wasn't gonna let him change the channel. How did this start? Welllll...

It all started this morning. I woke up to Ford's random screaming at some strange creature. I ran downstairs to see him fighting a unicorn. I stared in awe for a second and then ran over to him once he knocked it out with fairy dust.

"Grunkle Ford! Can I help?" I asked.

"SHHH! Be quiet, Dipper. You don't want to wake the unicorn. And no. You can't help me with this. Maybe sometime else."

I looked down at the floor sadly and walked outside. It was a fairly overcast day. The clouds were a dark gray color and looked as if it was going to pour down rain at any moment. I walked into the forest. I was only a few feet in when I heard something behind me. I turned around quickly to find nothing. I groaned and started walking again.

"Me and my paranoia." I shook my head, "I have to calm down."

"Yeah, Pinetree. You definitely need to calm yourself. Yeesh."

I spun around to see a person maybe my age or a year older. He had blonde hair with a top hat and an eyepatch over his right eye. The left eye was a pretty amber color. He wore a yellow tailcoat with a brick design at the tail of it. He also had black dress pants on along with some black dress shoes. And I knew exactly who this fancy guy was— Bill Cipher. I glared at him.

"Bill." I growled.

"Yeah... That's my name. Don't wear it out." He said.

"What do you want?"

"Wellllllllll... I was wondering if you wanted to hang out...?"

"Why would I do that?! You went into Grunkle Stan's mind. Then you possessed me and used me as a puppet. Who knows what will happen next!"

"Hey, you said I could have a puppet. That was your fault. And who else do you have to hang out with? Shooting Star is hanging with her friends and Six Fingers isn't gonna let you help him. Question Mark is hanging out at the mall. And that one girl you have a crush on is busy putting graffiti on the school. Admit it. You have no friends to do anything with...besides ME."

I sighed. He was right. Mabel was having a sleepover with Candy and Grenda, Ford was taking can of the unicorn, Soos was at the mall, and Wendy was probably doing something destructive. What else do I have to do? I looked at him.

"Fine." I said, "but no destroying the world or anything like that."

"YAY."

We went back to the Mystery Shack to find something to do. I suggested that we play Dungeons, Dungeons, and More Dungeons. But, being the triangle he usually is, he said no. Then he said music but then I said that that probably wasn't I good idea because I figured he probably wouldn't like Disco Girl. But then he said he had a song to play. He got a sphere-like speaker out that glowed and started to play a song. He started to dance to it and when it got to the course of the song he grabbed both of my hands.

"Take me high and I'll sing
Oh you make everything okay, okay, okay
'Kay, Okay, Okay
We are one in the same
Oh you take all of the pain away, away, away
'Way, away, away
Save me if I become
My demons."

We danced together to the rest of the song. The song ended and we stopped dancing. Bill and I sat down to rest. I looked over at him.

"I didn't know you could dance." I said.

"You can do a lot more when you're human." He replied.

"Yeah. I guess a Flying Dorito can't do much in his original form."

"HEY. IM PERFECTLY CAPABLE OF DOING REGULAR THINGS. I AM A BEING OF PURE ENERGY WITH NO WEAKNESSES. I CAN DO ANYTHING."

"Oh yeah? Like what?"

"Like.... Like.... Like turning on a TV!"

"Prove it."

He turned to his illuminati form and went up to the TV. I sat on the recliner as he turned the TV on. He turned into a human again.

"Told you!" He said, "I'm much better than some human."

"Yeah yeah. But somethings you probably can't do. Even as a human." I replied.

He rolled his eyes and sat next to me. I grabbed the remote and flipped through the channels until Bill stopped me. The TV started singing the theme.

"BILL BILL BILL BILL BILL BILL! BILL NYE THE SCIENCE GUY!"

I changed the channel as Bill stared at the TV in confusion. He then grinned and looked at me.

"Oh no. Bill what are yo-"

He tackled me for the remote. He finally got the remote and changed it back. He chanted with the theme song.

"I'm a science guy, Pinetree. Ford and I should work together again." He said.

"Bill no." I said.

"Bill YES."

That's how we got to that. I did finally get the remote back, but Bill was only an inch from my face.

"You know... I was thinking. I wouldn't be able to do this in my triangle form, but I can do this in my human form."

He leaned forward and kissed me. I kissed him back. Maybe the Dorito wasn't as bad as I thought. He then whispered in my ear.

"Maybe we should make science.... If you know what I mean."

"BILL NO."

"Yeesh. Relax, Pinetree. I was kidding. But we should hang out again sometime."

"Yeah."

"Just summon me when no one's around. Remember, reality is an illusion, the universe is a hologram, buy gold, BYEEEEEEEEE!"

I rolled my eyes as the Dorito disappeared. Mabel and Ford walked into the room.

"Woah! Looks like someone had fun!" Mabel laughed as she stared at my messy hair, "what did you do? You look like you just made out with someone. Did you find another nerd?"

"Let's just say I met up with an old enemy and we made up and had fun." I replied while smiling.

~end