My Confessions.

Chapter 4 - Enough Is Enough

    Anyone have any suggestions about which actor/Singer should be Mr.Smith?   Just Wondering (:

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        “Miss Smith .. It’s really not the time to be sleeping. I know my class bores you to death, but at least act like you're paying attention” Mr.Berham said bringing my peaceful sleep to an end.

I immediately sat up, groaning and not even bothering to hide my dislike towards being disturbed.

         “Yeah, sure” I said through gritted teeth.

        What do you expect? I’m grumpy. Well I think anyone would be grumpy after only four hours of sleep. And to make things worse, my passed out dad was snoring so loud, aliens in Mars probably complained.

        When I woke up this morning, dad was thankfully asleep. Still loudly snoring, mind you. The last thing I needed was his hungover attitude all up in my face so I left the house quietly trying not to wake the monster and prayed that he’d be gone by the time I get back.

        I tried to pay attention to whatever that old geezer was teaching, but I kept spacing out. Sue me will ya? When teaching, aren’t there supposed to be students learning? If that's the case Mr.Berham can’t teach to save his life. The receiving end of his teaching are only half awake. Luckily, the bell rang soon after I was rudely disrupted, and that was the end of another boring and miserable school day.

  I plugged in my headphones and headed home, letting the music relieve the day's misery.

        As I walked towards my front door I disconnected my headphones, crept inside and secretly prayed that dad had left. But then again, I should’ve known better. When was luck on my side?

        I walked in, unfortunately to find dad by the stove cooking what seemed to be his lunch.

        “Oh Jacky ! Finally! I was starting to worry about you sweetheart. I wasn’t sure what time your school ended so I decided to wait until 4 before I come looking for you… Even though I don’t really know what school you go to, or where it is. I’m sure I would’ve found my way around.” He said, adding the last part as though he was thinking out loud.

        To any outsider we would look somewhat like a normal family. Daughter comes home from school to find her dad cooking food for her and worrying about his little girl or “ Sweetheart.” But we’re not. We are not in any way, shape or form a normal family.

        “School finishes at 2:30 dad. It’s been that way since freshman year. Remember ..? And how could you forget where my high school is? You drove me there all through freshman year.” I said trying to stop myself from biting his head off.

         “Could you lower you voice darling? I have a killer headache. 2 advils can't seem to cure my massive hangover, the pain just isn't fading. I must’ve been smashed last night. Huh honey?” he said so casually, like it was a normal conversation to have.

        “Smashed? Ding! Ding! Ding! You have won the award for understatement of the year. Ha ! You only  just about passed out on the stairs. You barely made it to your bed and I had to carry you the rest of the way. And also don’t call me sweetheart, darling or any of that other stuff you say to make it sound like everything is okay when clearly that's not the situation.” I almost yelled, sarcastically at first but harshly towards the end.

        “Now don’t use that tone with me young lady. Just because you’re all grown up all of a sudden doesn’t mean you can disrespect me. I am still and will always be your father.” He said firmly. Wow! He should definitely pursue an acting career in Hollywood. He easily played the whole I – Didn’t - Raise - You – That – Way role.

        “ Really? My father you say? Well how about you start acting like it then? I’m sick and tired of having to deal with all of your business and cleaning up your mess. I haven't said anything about how fed up I am yet, but that's it.There's only a certain amount that I can endure. I'm done. And don’t tell me what to do! It’s absolutely not your position to be ordering me around and telling me to behave. It’s a father’s position. One that you lost the second mom died and you started acting like you were the only one effected by the tragedy. That position is for someone who would havemade sure I was okay. That I was dealing with the pain properly and not using drugs to ease the pain or attempting to commit suicide. But no, you couldn't care less! You chose yourself and your feelings over mine, while I botteled up my undealt with emotions. Not something a real father would do. Now is it? She would’ve been so disappointed. You’re not the man she fell in love with and married. You're also not the man I grew up with, calling “ Dad”. This is definitely not how she would have wanted us to live. Now I’m going to go out and cool down and when I get back you better not be here or so help me…” I didn’t finish that sentence. I just rushed out the door when I saw his pained expression  and slammed it before he could say anything that would change my mind.

        If he had pulled me close while I unleashed years worth of pain, I would have forgiven him. If he would have hugged me tight and let me cry on his shoulder while reassuring me that everything would change, I would have forgotten everything he has done in the blink of an eye and I would have forgiven him. As harsh and edgy as I may have sounded, deep inside I was sobbing and in pain. He was one of the first two people in this world that I have loved. The man who’s lap I grew up in and the man who spoiled me like there was no tomorrow because I was daddy’s little girl. The only man in the world I  had fully trusted never to break my heart, never to hurt me and to always protect me.

Trust. After all of mine was abused, I no longer know the real definition to that five letter word