My Confessions.

Chapter 5 - Neglected Emotions

           I walked around aimlessly for what seemed like hours, letting my mind wander off. I was somewhere in between being completely furious and being completely upset. I had always hoped that it wouldn’t get to the point where Dad and I were against each other. As hurt as I was , I had been hoping that dad would pull it together before we hit rock bottom. Too late for that now.  I’m glad I let out some steam with that speech, but that didn’t cool me down, like I thought it would. It had the complete opposite effect; it actually seemed to trigger all those emotions that I have hidden so well for so long. I know I shouldn’t be sad; I should be enraged, right? Right? Wrong. When I look back on our conversation and the situation we were in I ask one question. How did we get here? And that question is what had me bawling

         When I first stormed out of the house, I didn’t even realize that I had been crying. Until the crying slowly turned to sobbing. That’s when I drew the line and stopped myself. I usually don’t care what people think and whether they’re staring or not, but a very important rule that I follow is keep a low profile in public. The last thing I need is to attract the unwanted attention of strangers, so I pulled myself together and tried to refrain from crying.

        I may have succeeded in stopping the tears, but diverting my thoughts wasn’t so easy. I’ve played this scenario over in my head a billion times throughout the past few years, but I never thought I’d feel this way. Every time I imagined standing up to dad, I thought I’d feel courageous, brave and strong that I finally spoke up. I’m about as far from there as it gets. I think we’ve established the fact that I don’t feel too good about what went down, and I’m not known to be a dramatic person, but it just doesn’t feel as victorious as I was expecting it to.

      I continued to walk around aimlessly, wondering why my dad has been replaced by some selfish stranger. Family has always been my weak spot. I could care less about anyone or anything else. But this is family. He is family, and that’s why it’s affecting me so much. Somewhere underneath that strong, rude, bitchy, cold, guarded Jacky lies a sensitive, fragile, caring and emotional Jacky. That’s the Jacky I used to be. But I was forced to become who I am now in order to survive. I was forced to build up walls that no one could break to stop them from getting in and finding the weak part of me, the broken part. Certain circumstances have taught me to always suck it up, keep going and not to break easily.

      I noticed that it was getting dark and that I should head home and get some sleep.  Stay Strong Jacky! You can’t give in.  Suck it up.

“Woah! Are you okay? I’m sorry I…” Said a voice, ending my mental prep talk when the person bumped into me and send me stumbling down.

I regained my posture and stood  there petrified. I was scared stiff, but I couldn’t let my predator sense that. I tried to control my shaking, but inside I was trembling with fear. It was dark and I couldn’t see clearly, and that’s what scared me most. Make sure you know where you are, so that you’re able to find an emergency exits if needed. Another rule I choose to follow. How could I let everything slip? How could I let myself get so caught up in my own thoughts and not notice my surroundings? My senses are always supposed to be alert. The road was dimly lit by the street lights and the moon, and the lack of lighting made the situation  more risky. The figure in front of me was wearing a black hoddie and black sweats, making it possible to only distinguish the fact that it was a male.” Him. What if he’s back? What if this is him?” My mind screamed .“ It could be anyone Jacky. Stop being stupid and jumping to conclusions.” I told myself, but my mind was screaming “It could be him!” That thought terrified me the most. Always know who you’re up against. I’m so stupid. That’s one of the main rules I have to follow.

My thoughts and worries where interrupted when the voice spoke once again.

“ Jacky? Is that you?”  And that’s when I almost fainted. I just stood there alarmed. Is it really him? But if it’s not then how does he know my name ? How does this person know who I am ?

He must have sensed my panic because he then said “ It’s me. Liam. You know … Liam Star!”  And stepped closer to me, allowing me to see his face, which was now clearly lit by the moon light.

“I’m sorry I ran into you like that. I must’ve not been paying attention. What are you doing at here at this time anyways?”  He continued.

I just stood there completely taken aback. Liam? Liam Star? What?

He waved his hand in front of my face, to snap me out of whatever trance I had been in.

“Oh yeah, what?” I said confused.

“I said-“

“ I heard you Liam. Yeah you better be damn sorry! Watch where you’re going.”

“ Yeah I’m sorry. And um.. why did you seem so scared back there? When I bumped into you.” He asked, surprised by the fact that I showed any emotion other than irritation.

“ Uh.. Cause..You surprised me! I didn’t see it coming.. I was too lost in thought and uhh, I didn’t know who you were. I mean you could’ve been a rapist or a murderer. You’re lucky you showed yourself before I punched you in the face, kicked you in the gut and then did other stuff that would prevent you from having any children in the future.  Just watch where you’re freaking going dumbass.” I hesitated at first, but then I remembered that I can’t show any signs of fear, it would lead to questions. So I changed things up and went back to my normal act.

“Alright! Alright! But what are you doing at here at this time of night? “He asked curiously.

“I should be asking you the same question.”  I replied boldly.

“Touché. But seriously why are you at the graveyard at this time of night? It’s Dangerous Jacky. And I know you can defend yourself and that you’re a lot stronger than you look, but you should’ve known better.”

        I immediately looked around puzzled. By the graveyard? What? How did I get here? I usually visit mom when I have stuff on my mind, so I guess I subconsciously head her. Damn, my feet do really have a mind of their own.

“Stuff. Really none of your business if you asked me.” I replied hard- heartedly, allowing  my defense mode to kick in. “ And what are you doing here ?” I added icily.

“Calm down. No need to get all pissed. I didn’t know you owned the place. “He teased.

“Ha Ha. Very funny!” I commented sarcastically.

“I’m just messing. And to answer your question, you’re not the only one who’s lost someone.”

“ Oh.” I said once it hit me that he was probably here visiting someone who passed away.

“ Yeah.. My Grandma passed away a few months ago… Why are you here?” He asked.

“ That’s none of your business idiot. Just … I have to go.” I said trying to get out of the situation I was in. I don’t need his pity or his nosiness in my life.

“Wait!” He said grasping my arm as I walked past him ready to leave. “ I’m.. I..I’m sorry for your loss.” He replied with sincerity in his voice.

“ Thanks.. bye.” I mumbled heading home. I’ll see mom some other time I guess.

        The walk home was less dramatic and worked up. I noticed all the lights out as I approached the front steps of my house and hoped that my assumptions were correct. Once I unlocked the door and stepped, I sighed satisfied with the silence I was receiving that assured me that dad had left. I really don’t think I can handle any more on my plate for one day. I quickly showered to get rid of the dirty feeling, changed and settled in my nice warm bed to get some shut eye.

 I could only wish that tomorrow would be better than today. But then again, what’s the point of wishing for things to be different, when I know that some things in life never change.