Memories of the Heart: a concrete love

chapter 8 (accepting reality)

Daito's pov

Nanginginig ako while sitting in my room. Still crying yet I can't actually decipher whatever it is that is happening to me. Gumaan lang ang pakiramdam ko when the feeling of fear somehow push me back in this world after a sudden burst of vaccuum force tried to erase me entirely at ngayon nga andito ako sa may kwarto ko trying to figure out what the hell just happened.

I keep pacing back and forth in my room trying to remember any hint of the past. I had a feeling kasi na parang somehow I am not anymore existing. Like I don't anymore belong to this world. God im not yet dead, I can still feel the things around me. But still wala parin akong maalala.

Then something hit me. "tama! Si chano lang ang makakapagbigay ng kasagutan sa kalituhan kong ito." Ang naibulalas ko nalang.

That's it I decided to visit my old best friend para narin humagap ng kasagutan. I trailed down the road to chano's house. Naglalakad lang ako sice nasa kabilang street lang naman yung bahay nina chano although malalampasan ko pa yung ACU eh still I prefer to walk. Papasok palang ako sa gate ng subdivision nina chano when I saw manong guard. I tried calling his attention yet parang di nya ako naririnig.pinagsawalang bahala ko nalang since mas importante para sa akin ang mapuntahan si chano agad.

Nasa tapat na ako ng bahay nina chano, still having this uneasiness on me. I don't actually know if it is from the long walk I have or just the anticipation of knowing something may not be right about me.

Diretso akong pumasok ng bahay nila I push open the door and I heard its creaking sound. Then that sound caught up the attention of the person I am after with. Lumingon siya and I saw how his eyes widened with shock. Nakanganga pa sya na tila gulat na gulat talaga na Makita ako.

"bro! chano!" tawag ko sa kanya na tila nagpabalik sa kanya sa wisyo.

"dat?! Bro?! ikaw ba yan?" ang tanong nya na tila di parin nawawala ang pagkagulat sa kanyang mga mata.

"yes it is me bro. I need to talk to you something is happening to my body." Mabilis kong siwalat sa kanya. Knowing chano when I talk about changes in my body eh pagtatawanan ako nyan o sasabihing nagpapakavain na naman ako. However, I don't see it in his face the reaction I am expecting. Biglang sumeryoso ang mukha ni chano.

"bro wala kabang naaalala?" ang mahina ngunit sapat na bigkas nya upang marinig ko ito. "what do you mean bro? ano ba tong nangyayari? At anong dapat kong maalala?" ang naguguluhang saad ko sa kanya. "well ahmmm pano ko ba to uumpisahan? Ganito nalang sobra kitang namiss bro, it has been months already" nakita ko sa mukha nya ang halo halong emosyon. Lungkot, galak at pagkabigla sa mga nangyayari. "bro please ikaw at yung party mo lang ng huli kong natatandaan and everything is already vivid. What's happening bro?" me still confused. "dat remember the time I told you I see dead people?" di ko alam kung ano ang tinutumbok ni chano but deep in me already has the clue on where this conversation will go. "oo naaalala ko yun at pinagtawanan pa nga kita eh when you told me that you were able to talk to elise. Yung classmate natin na namatay due to cancer nung grade 1 tayo right?" I said outing some sarcastic laugh while I tried to keep the emotion within me. I know now, somehow it's getting clear. "well dat right now it's again happening. I now can see and talk to you." He said without breaking the eye contact. "direct to the point chano please!" mejo pasinghal ko nang sabi sa kanya. I need to have it all cleared. God I'm dying to confirm everything. "dat.." he paused. "that night nung nagafter party bonding tayo naaksidente-" I cut him off "yeah I remember that I know andito pa nga ang konteng galos at sugat sa katawan ko diba? Tignnan mo oh!" I raised my sleeves only to find out a pale skin. So pale that it is obviously deprived with oxygen for too long. So long that it is almost impossible for a normal cell to stand. Then I looked at my arms everything is pale, wet and wounded. "wha-what i-is happening chano?" nauutal na sabi ko. Nanginginig na ako and then I looked at chano. He turned his gaze away from me at napapikit sya. I can see the hurt in him. "chano? Please tell me what is happening?" sabat ko sa kanya na nagsisimula nang umiyak. "bro. you did not survived the accident. You acquired too much damaged on the accident but drowning is what really killed you. I'm sorry bro" humahagulgol na banggit ni chano.

And just like that everything about me, my beliefs, my life, my heart everything crumbles down. Para akong nanghina. I felt pain, a pain that is not excruciating but it is also not bearable. I felt empty, alone like a couch in the middle of a vast dessert. Nothing to comfort, nothing to shade on. Only pure pain from the scorching sun, purposeless and useless. Napakabigat ng pakiramdam, I cried in front of chano. Kung siguro buhay ako eh pinagtatawanan na ako ni chano pero iba ang sitwasyon ngayon. I can see it in his eyes that he wants to give me a hug of assurance na nanjan lang sya handang maging kaibigan ko.

After the moment of realization about everything. Chano decided to bring me to the cemetery kung saan nakahimlay ang aking katawan.

As we arrive I still hesitated to continue pero nauna na si chano. I saw him stopped in front of a tombstone. I kneeled down as I reach his place. I slowly extend my hand to the cold concrete stone where my name is embossed. Then just like that a sudden flow of memories come rushing back.

I saw myself inside the car beside the river where I used to stay everyday. Kaya pala lagi akong dinadala ng paa ko sa lugar na iyon because it was the last memory that I have. Then napagtripan namin ni chano to have some game. Horizontally just beside the river stands the rock where me and rica usually sit. Then chano, outside the car lean down as I roll the car window open. "bro! di ba gusto mong palitan na tong luma mong kotse?" he said with a flashed of 'I have a brilliant idea in mind' look on his face. "yes bro. bakit may naisip ka na bang idea kung pano ko mauuto parents ko?" I asked. "well here's the idea bro. kita mo yung batong yun. Sagasaan mo tapos wag ka magseseatbelt ha kasi dapat apurado at timingan mo para kasabay ng pagbanga eh konte nlang maaanod din ng ilog tong kotse mo. Di ba cool at least di na magaaksaya sina tita na ipaayos pa tong kotse mo at mabibilhan kana ng bago." Ang mahaba nyang paliwanag sa akin."hmmm. I don't know bro baka di ako makalabas agad eh matangay ako sa ilog kasama nitong kotse ko." Pagaalangan ko. I saw that look in chano's face kaya sumangayon naman sya sa sinabi ko. But knowing how I sometimes love daredevil acts eh when chano was about to get a can of beer in the bucket we brought from their house. Dito kasi namin naisipang magafter party. Kaming dalawa lang bestfriend bonding kung baga. Pinaharurot ko ang sasakyan. Sa lakas ng impact dumaplis ang sasakyan sa malaking bato destroying the front part of the car including the windshield in front of me sa dami ng bubog na pumasok sa mata ko di ko na namalayan na nagderederetso ang sasakyan sa ilog at unti unting nilalamon ng tubig. I manage to open slightly the door beside me yet a sudden rush of water push the door and the car further down the river.

Then it stopped. Naalala ko na ang ilog na iyon ay pinaniniwalaang kumikitil ng buhay tuwing sasapit ang kabilugan ng buwan. It extends mula sa subdivision namin kung saan nakatayo ang lumang tulay na dating dinadaanan ng mga homeowners pero dahil nga sa mga insidente ng pagtangay ng ilog sa mga sasakyan mula sa tulay eh isinara na mismo ito at di na dinaanan pa. I also remember that a guy from ACU also drowned at nacoma until now from that bridge. Napakabigat pero ayoko nang umiyak in front of chano.i looked at him and asked "pano ako natagpuan chano?". "natagpuan ang kotse mo sa may malapit na sa tabing dagat, dat, dun sa may mababaw nah na area ng ilog. Sa sobrang lakas nang anod ng tubig nung gabing yun." I sigh. "I'm sorry bro, sana hindi nalang tayo pumunta dun sa lugar na yun. Sana hindi nalang ako nagbigay ng ganung suggestion. It's all my fault dude." He added and I can see the guilt and sadness in his eyes as he say those words. "no pare, it is not your fault and it will never be. Ako ang may kasalanan, ako ang matigas ang ulo."

I felt preoccupied about everything, di ko alam kung pano ko masosolusyonan itong problema ko. Isa pa sa kinalulungkot ko is si rica. Papano na kami ni rica. As much as I would like to remain and be with her eh darating at darating parin ang oras na kailangan kong tumawid at mapayapang magpahinga sa kung saan man dadalhin ang aking kaluluwa, and the fact that rica is still alive hindi kami pwedeng magsama. She needs someone to be with her physically.

Aside from that thought paulit ulit ring sumasagi sa isip ko kung ano ba talaga ang dahilan kung bakit hindi ko pa nakikita ang liwanag para makatawid. I now understand and accept that I cannot anymore go back and that I don't anymore belong in this world. Yet di ko parin nakikita ang daang tatawirin ko. Is it just me or its just that something is holding back or maybe someone. "yes right siguro I also need to let go. Kelangan ko ring makausap si rica. The last person that I need to talk with." Ang nasabi ko nalang.

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Hope u enjoy this update!