Robert's Random Rants

The Evolution of the Hipster

Well, kids I'm trying to adjust my sleep schedule, so I'm actually awake before 10:30 AM today. Surprisingly, this doesn't mean that I'm grumpier. So, instead of me ranting, I'm going to give you a quick history lesson* on a group of people I despise: Hipsters. You see, maybe if you understand their history, you can understand the group of people a little more.

Let's start with a question: What smells like a hobo, but is so rich that they could buy all the hobos as personal slaves, and probably would if it wasn't too "modern"? That's right, a hipster.

It's almost as if hipsters just sprang up in the 21st century out of nowhere, right? Wrong.

Hipsters have been around forever, and they've actually evolved into the hipster that annoys everybody today, it didn't just happen.

Now, before I continue I know that some of you don't know what hipsters are. This probably means that you've been spared the pure Hell of being around them. So, what is a hipster?

Well, the whole point of being a "hipster" is to refuse to conform. Now, that SHOULD make them hard to identify, but amazingly, they're need to slip away from the "mainstream" has caused them all to dress exactly alike and act the same way. Funny how things work out, huh?

"I thought they were all just annoying rich kids that eat out of dumpsters?"

Haha, no no kiddies, there is actually a reason why they smell and act this way.

But before we get to that, let's go over a few ways you can identify a hipster.

By sight: A hipster is normally embarrassingly ironic. they wear winter clothes in the summer, shorts in the winter, and fedoras when they're clearly too young and trashy to pull it off.

By attitude: If someone acts like they're better than you, but they smell and look worse than you, chances are it's a hipster.

By income:  This is kinda hard to explain, so I'll go over it via scenario. Okay, someone drives up in a rediculously expensive hybrid, and then they pay for some mac and cheese ... with pocket change. Well, that or they drive their hybrid to the dumpster and eats out of it, because resturaunts are too mainstream. That would explain the smell anyway.

All right, time for the question you've all been waiting for. Just how did hipsters come to be like they are today? Let's start at the beginning, cavemen.

STAGE 1: CAVEMAN

The caveman is stupid, has a beard,and smells really bad. And so the evolution of the hipster has begun. With the Hipster Caveman's constant urge to not conform to the pack, he evolves into the Greek philosopher. For this example, I'm gonna use Socrates.

STAGE 2: SOCRATES

He still stinks and has a beard. The only difference is that now he's smart, writes poetry, and never stops telling people about how he's right and they're not. Eventually people didn't know what Socrates was talking about, and got frustrated with his attitude, and so they killed him. A little extreme, I know, but that was the time.

By 1950, hipsters made their next huge step in evolution, which was a long time in the coming. Hipster Caveman Socrates became the beatnick.

STAGE 3: BEATNICK

They took the concept of being misunderstood, poetic, and preachy to a whole new level. They met in dark basements, wore ironic black turtlenecks, played bongos, and read rediculous poetry to each other that no one else could understand. Annoying poetry that didn't make any sense.

No, this guy isn't a jerk - well, technically he is - he's a beatnick. Which began the Bob Dylan, which began the Hippy.

STAGE 4: HIPPY

Hippy's were the first stage that the hipster (this is also where they derive the name as a modern day hippy) starting smelling disgusting.  They enjoyed hemp and marijuana, and believed that "meat is murder", and so started to forsake a common and very important part of our diet, which is why so many hipsters are vegetarians today.

Now, some of you may be asking why they're similar if they were the first to do so many things. So, here are some Hipster tendencies:

Beard        Smelly        Thinks no one but other hippies understand them.

But eventually, the hippie shaved his beard, got a job, and became the yuppie.

STAGE 5: YUPPY

This stage is almost a full departure from the modern hipster, but a very important step in evolution nonetheless.  The differences are that the Yuppie is clean, doesn't have a beard, is clean, and smells nice.

Hipster Tendencies:

Thought they were better than other people.      Drove BMWs    

And finally, the hipster was complete as you know him/her today.

STAGE 6: HIPSTER

A terrifying genetic hybrid:

Beard of the Caveman, arrogance of Socrates, irony of the Beatnick, wealth of the yuppie, and stink of the Hippy.

Well, the cycle of Hipster evolution is complete, now here are the things that they have ruined for modern society (not just me, remember that I am a minor and don't partake of alcohol or any illegal substance)

1. Sunglasses

2. Light beer

3. Bycicles

4. Amazing mustaches

5. Winter hats

6. Tattoos

7. Chuck Taylors

8. Just about any  Tshirt you'll ever find. They'll wear the same one as you on the same day, but they'll tell you that couldn't possibly understand it and that it's too meaningful.

And that kids, is today's "rant", and if any of you trust fund dumpster divers are mad at me for making fun of you, here is a cover by Pomplamoose: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=meT2eqgDjiM

There, now you hipsters are too lost in apathy and irony to remember what I just said.

And that, kiddies, is todays rant. I hope you either loved it or hated it, because that's the audience I want to reach.

*This is not an actual history lesson and do not use it as a source for any paper, project, or speech you may be working on. ThisisBo productions writes purely for entertainment purposes, not for historical value.