the absurdity of life [Undertale]

in which a skeleton and a fish go to the park

In the pursuit for knowledge, I began to realize that I wasn't strong enough or mature enough to handle the truth. I am living in a constant time loop, I am at the mercy of some alternatively benevolent and cruel deity, and I have lost the strength to act out of my place. I think I'm the only one who understands. I won't burden anyone else with this information. I am living in a repetitive hell.

I don't even know anymore.

I have knowledge, but my memories, my wisdom, everything gets reset. Again and again and again.

I don't know anything.

This is torture but I can't stop.

It will all be reset and none of it will matter.

I want to build a time machine.

It will take me and my brother to a place before the resets. We'd find our parents. Remember, Papyrus? Remember Mom and Dad? Remember how proud they were when you were born?

No, you don't. There's so many things you don't know, Papyrus. I will shield you. I will build a world that makes sense for you to live in. An existence where omniscience simply means knowing your strengths and being nice to strangers. You will live in that world through every reset. I am an architect of my brother's experience, and if you have a little brother, then you're the architect of his experience too, though it may be unintentional in your case.

I wonder if he knows that I live in a different world from him.

But then I remember.

The resets and saves ended.

I'm trapped in one timeline.

The one w h e r e . . .

"Sans!"

I want to vomit.

A hand runs up and down my spine. Undyne crouches to look at me.

"Look, I know, this is incredibly hard, but, we have to get through it! We have to survive! There's no other option. Come on. Stand up. You're doing good, Sans."

She grabs my arm and pulls it forcefully. I stumble and follow her. We're at the park. A park. We're at a park. Papyrus is dead, we're at a park, we used to stay inside on lazy days, we're at a park, Papyrus would cry when we heard thunder up above, coming from the surface, we're at a park, but how can we be at a park when Papyrus is dead?

My body freezes up again. Undyne sighs. I'm such a burden to her—

"Sans, please, when you get like this you make me want to cry! I've been holding back because I...promised Alphys." Undyne effectively kicked Alphys out of her life after it happened. She felt like she wasn't getting the attention she needed, which Undyne agreed with, so they cut ties. Undyne was grieving, Alphys couldn't understand, I was Undyne's burden. My mind has been a jumble.

We're in the park, a park, I know that much.

I think people are staring at us. She had to catch me when I fell. I must look like a wreck in my greasy athletic shorts and sweat-stained hoodie. I haven't slept. I haven't showered. I'm used to believing that nothing i do will have any lasting effect. How do you find any impetus in such an existence? I know the answer.

"Look at the lake, Sans. Isn't it gorgeous?"

It doesn't interest me, but I look anyways. It's pleasing to the eye. As far as Undyne knows, one day her good friend and his brother had a mental breakdown. As far as I know, I've been trapped in a timeloop for an immeasurable amount of time and now I'm not, and my brother is dead.