The Center

Chapter 40 - "it (love) will change.

The door to Dr. Maggie's office stands open and African drums beat out a rhythmic tune. When I peek around the corner, I half expect to see the counselor dancing. Instead, she sits at her desk. A standard number two pencil busily scribbles on a page.

"Hello." I step in and smile at her for real. Sad that this is the first time. I promise myself that it won't be the last. Not to her or anyone else.

"Hi, Courtney." She leans back in her office chair. Soft ringlets escape the band that pulls her hair back into a ponytail. The music from her handheld compliments the room. She turns it off as I sit.

"Sorry to bother you. I know we are on break, but I really wanted to talk."

"You look happy." She smiles at me.

I am happy.

As my psychologist, I'm sure she's going to be pleased that I've made some real progress. The Center has successfully cracked the hard ice of my heart. Melted it with an act of friendship. "I've got good news."

She slips my folder from off the stack on her desk. Her eyes shine with interest. Of course, up until now, she had to force information from me. Now I ooze with a desire to talk.

"Remember how you said I needed to love myself more?" I lean forward in the overstuffed chair.

"Yes." The orange pencil twirls around her fingers. "You can't possibly love others if you don't love yourself. It's like the blind trying to help others see. It just doesn't happen."

"Well, I've been thinking about that," I start.

Then I stop.

A small bit of my excitement fades.

I rub my stomach. I'm not sure this woman is going to like what I'm about to say. I study my hands and realize how stupid it was for me to laugh at her song. It will make it hard to share with her what I've learned.

She taps her pencil waiting for me to go on.

I swallow for no apparent reason and then say in the nicest tone I know, "I think you're wrong."

"About?" Her back stiffens. She leans back surprised. Her pencil rests between two fingers unmoving.

"I didn't come to argue."

"Who's arguing?"

"Right." I bite the inside of my cheek. "Well, the way I see it. I've spent my entire life loving myself."

"Are you sure about that?" Her stare is hard. And the pencil now twirls rapidly.

"Very." I want her to understand. I need her to understand. The risk I took for Mario was amazing. Roller Coaster amazing. I could have been zapped approaching Rowena that night. Yet I did it.

I swallow, look her in the eye and say, "I'm not a good person."

"Now, Courtney."

"I'm serious. Do you realize that I got someone addicted to drugs in order to get what I wanted? I've repeatedly gone after my sister when she's done nothing to provoke me. I even bullied someone to death in San Diego."

"Because you were seeking love."

"No. Because I wanted my own way. I don't think that's the same thing. I don't want to spend another second of my life trying to find love for myself."

Her eyebrows come together and I notice a slight shake of her head.

"I need to find a way to love other people. That's what I want you to help me with."