The Worst Hamilton Fanfic Ever

Part 3

The Hamiltons were jus chillin at home and Alexander was really busy updating his Twitter account by way of quill and scroll, because after all, it was 1801. Eliza came bursting into the room, and Alex got so startled that he threw his copy of Common Sense by Thomas Paine at her (he always kept at least one copy on hand in case it needed to be thrown at someone).

"Hey!" Eliza, annoyed, said in a very annoyed way. "Maybe you should read that thing, since.....y'know.....you have no common sense....." She waited a moment before pulling out an industrial sized blow torch out of thin air and torched his 13" macbook pro which had his mixtape on it. "HA! BURN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Eliza yelled.

Alex threw the blowtorch out the window. "Damn it Eliza!!!!!! Wtf did i tell you about fire???"
"You didn't tell me anything............" Eliza replied in a very idiotic way.
"Oh yeah! Well anyway, now that 1776DOF!ATCM's new mixtape is gone, what's up?"

"well, for one thing........our SON IS MISSING???!!!!????" She smacked him in the face bc tbh Alex was really dumb sometimes.

"We.....have a son......??? wait, philip's ours????? The fuck is happening. I'm pretty sure we didn't even have sex." Alex opened the copy of Common Sense to see if it held the answers to their problems.

"Give me that," Eliza took the book and sat down next to him. "If we're gonna find any answers, first we have to think about the first time we saw him." searching and scanning the pages of the paine book, she pointed. "OMG ALEX. LOOK AT THIS!!!!!!"

Alex read the page she showed him. "This......doesn't even mean anything you stupid ho!!!!! also no one says 'omg' in real life."

Eliza stood up excitedly. "Exactly!!!! I have a idea--"

"So did Thomas Jefferson??? GET TO THE FUCKING POINT, WOMAN." Alex said, throwing the book out the window, which was now becoming a regular occurrence.

"shut UP alex!!!! i don't need your COMMENTARY!!!!!!! Anyway, the first time we saw philip was with angelica and james madison, back when 1776 directions of federalism! at the cabinet meeting first tried to win battle of the bands. Long story short: he's not ours. He's madison's and angelica's." Eliza said in a really boring way, but maybe it was just Alex because he thinks everything Eliza says in boring.

"Why? because Angie found him???? is THAT it???? BLAMING YOUR SISTER FOR EVERYTHING, HUH ELIZABETH????!!!!!?????" Alex was getting pissed not because of Philip, but because he was really depressed that he threw the only copy of Common Sense out the window.

"That's......not even what Eliza's short for??? And, no, it's because SHE was the found who found him in the first place. Why do you think James Madison left the band???? Just bc he wanted to be the Zayn of the band?? NO. IT'S BECAUSE HE WAS FUCKING MY SISTER!!!!!!" Now Eliza was getting pissed bc no one knew her real name. or so she thought. alex thought the girl was just really stupid, because what else can eliza be short for??

"Alright listen. I'm already texting Gwash about this. He can DEF help us solve this mystery!!!!!" Alex said, pulling out his Motorola flip phone because it was 2003 and iPhones hadn't been invented yet.



When the two finally met Gwash backstage at 1776DOF!ATCM's usual headquarters, they totally caught him doing some Farewell Address and chill, but they decided not to mention it. "YO WHAT UP MY HOMIES!!!!!!!!" Gwash was super excited bc they hadn't had an orgy in like at least two weeks but that was besides the point. "Alright y'all. Sit yo asses down and GET READY FOR A FUCKIN RIDE. I'm boutta spill all the secrets of 1776 Directions."

So they did and GWash started to explain. "Eliza, this all starts with you. It's gonna have to end with you too. Let me explain. After you decided to fuck my bro John Laurens, my homeboy Alex over here got super depressed, bc tbh, he loved yo crazy rachet ass!!!!! And even tho he liked Angelica and she married James Madison he got over it because we had to focus on the band." Eliza started to cry bc........wtf, Gwash?? Why you gotta play a girl like that???

Anyway she almost got up and left but Alex stopped her. "HOMEGIRL I DIDN'T RAP FOR YOU THAT ONE TIME JUST TO GET A DIVORCE. YOU WANT A DIVORCE???? YEAH.......THAT'S WHAT I THOUGHT. i mean this was your idea anyway so like..........."

Eliza came back and was like ".......U right, u right." And so Washington continued.

"As we all know, Angelica is kind of evil and annoying af. She wanted to create more drama in y'alls life, so 19 years ago she fucked James Madison and together they had Philip. She raised him in secret and then that one day brought him to you guys and acted like she found him randomly........Ya pretty fucked up ik." Gwash said in a very said way.

Eliza punched Alex bc she was always right and that's what she does idk. "TOLD YOU THAT'S WHY MADISON LEFT THE BAND!!!!!!! YOU OWE ME 20 BUCKS LOSER" Alex complied even tho they never bet on anything.

Suddenly, John Laurens came sprinting backstage BLASTING the John Cena theme. "ALEX!!!!!!" He screamed because Alex was bae. "and.......eliza........yay.....???" Tbh things had been super awkward between them ever since that one time Alex caught them fucking.

Eliza tilted her head, squinting. She'd just realized something that completely changed Washington's entire story. "John, have you ever realized that......Philip looks exactly like you???"
John changed the music to "Sorry" by Justin Bieber bc John was so gay for the Biebs. "Philip who?? Oh yeah! Nah. I feel you. Homegirl, he looks exactly like me. What's your point-- Oh........wait a second......." John said really awkwardly because he was now realizing what Eliza was realizing.

"Bitch, the fuck I look like?!?!?! Are you saying philip is yours and JOHN'S?????" Hamilton screamed throwing John shitty chromebook out the window.

"ALEXANDER THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT I'M SAYING!!!!!!!!!!!" Eliza yelled back, consoling John who was mourning the death of his beloved Chromebook, which had all of his fave 5 Seconds of Summer songs on it.

Meanwhile, Washington was confused af bc this was 1778 and Justin Bieber hadn't been born yet and stayed silent until now. "What the FUCK is going on here MOTHERFUKERS!!!!!!!!!!!! son, ur out of the band."

"WHAT.........I was never in the band!" Hamilton punched GWash in the face. "i'm notcha son."

"Yeah, because clearly u can't even have ur own son............" GWash said like one would say a subtweet in real life.

"OHHHHHH SNAP!!!!!!!!!! GET REKT!!!!!!1!!!!!!1!!!!!!!" Hercules Mulligan screamed, tapping the airhorn app on his iPhone 4S, which was so outdated btw.

"GUYS!!!!!!!!!!! shut the f up........ we still haven't solved anything." Laurens said, taking Mulligan's phone to DM Angelica. "We have to fight fire with fire--" He was cut off.

"I HEARD FIRE!!!!!!!! SOMEONE SAID FIRE. WHAT AM I BURNING???? I'M GOOD AT THAT..........LIKE REALLY GOOD" Eliza screamed excitedly.

"Shhh. Eliza, no. No one said anything about fire. Come here." Alexander said, pulling her away from Laurens who was about to hand her a blowtorch. "John, what the fuck man?? You know how she is about...........FIRE....."

"Bro, I know. Chill......I meant..........THE MIXTAPE KINDA FIRE." He smirked, revealing a flash drive with a piece of tape on it labeled "1776DOF!ATCM's ULTIMATE MIXTAPE" with a fire emoji on it.

"I am equally cool with this kind of fire......." Eliza said suspiciously, bc knowing John all the songs on it were NSync songs and Eliza hated JT.

But THEN.........the power went out. Everyone screamed and apparently NO ONE thought to use their phones as a light source, but then again, this was 1803. The lights came on not even a second later, and they all saw her standing in the middle of the room............Angelica.

"HELLO SLUTS!!!!!! and Eliza....." Angelica laughed in a very evil way.

"SHUT UP ANGELICA, WE KNOW YOU HAVE PHILIP" Eliza shot back bc tbh Angelica was being really annoying rn.

She shrugged. "Maybe i do.......maybe i don't.......You might have to talk to Laurens about that." Angelica winked at him.

"yo, what??? I didn't do nothing!! Y'all know me....." Laurens smiled skeptically.

Just then they all heard a familiar voice humming "What the heck I gotta dooooo to be witchu" which was really weird bc This American Life doesn't exist in London. It was................................PHILIP !

"PHILIP???" They all screamed at the same time. "JINX!!!!!" Alex and GWash said.

Philip flashed a peace sign. "What's good my homies???? I just needed to grab my mixtape and...........WAIT WHY DOES LAURENS LOOK EXACTLY LIKE ME????????????" He screamed extremely confused.

"Are you asking me.......???" Laurens asked, looking at Eliza to explain.

"If anyone asks me any more questions I'm setting myself on fire. Tbh I don't really care anymore." Eliza sighed.

"Yeah tru!!!! Let's get outta here guys........and by that I mean.............HAVE SEX AND DO DRUGS!!!!!!!!!!!!" Hamilton screamed.

And so, everyone got super high and had so much sex that no one really remembers what happened...... Philip still hangs around John Laurens even though the fact that they look alike freaks him out. 1776 Directions of Federalism! At the Cabinet Meeting released 5 more mixtapes and they were all fire. Perhaps our heros will never find out the answers to all their questions........Or maybe Common Sense really did have all the answers. WHO THA FUCK KNOWSSSSSSSS
also James Madison and Thomas Jefferson fucked around on those viner hoverboard things the whole time so ya.