Hotel Ceiling

November 21, 2015

If you look up lonely it says that it means that you are sad because one has no friends or company. But I think that you can be in a crowded room and still feel completely alone. I'm surrounded by people and at the same time I feel like I'm sitting in a corner alone. It's been a little over a month and it's really starting to hit me that Jongin is gone. Baekhyun is gone. I know that I have Chanyeol but do I really have him? Honestly I don't think that what we have is anymore than two friends having sex. Neither one of us is going to try to make this more. At least I'm not. I don't think I am. I can't speak for Chanyeol but I think I know where his heart really is and it's not with me.

I scanned the room and there were plenty of guys but none of them caught my eye. Not until he walked in. Our eyes locked and he darted over to me and sat down. "Where's Chanyeol?" He asked, looking around.

"He's not here. He's probably at home. How should I know?" I bit back, looking back at him. "I just figured that you two were together. You're not the type to take sex so lightly." Jongin leaned onto the table.

"No, that was you. But I realized that sleeping with the same man for damn near five years meant that I had no idea what or who else was out there. And Chanyeol, Chanyeol is great. Very attentive. Knows just how to bring me to the edge without pushing me off."

Jongin's eyes narrowed and he sighed. "You don't have to do that. I think seeing you in bed with him was all the information that I needed about your sex life."

Shrugging, I picked up my glass and took a sip. "What do you want, Jongin?"

"You." He responded immediately.

"Well, you can't have me. You had me. And Baekhyun. And whoever else you were probably fucking. So, try again. What do you want?" Jongin's eyes stayed locked on me and I swear it's like he could read my mind.

"I want you. You matter how many times you ask. No matter how you word it. No matter what language, the answer is still you. I fucked up. I did and said things that I wish that I could take back. I love you and I was too fucking dumb to cherish you when I had the chance. Chanyeol can't love you the way that I can. He won't be able to take my place. Nobody will." He pleaded.

"You sound like a broken record. A cocky broken record, at that. You say all these pretty things but what does it really mean? What are words when actions show an entirely different thing?" My glass was empty, now.

"Soo, then let me show you. I'll show you that he can do you like I can. He can't touch you how I can. He can't make you cum like I can. He can't love you like I can." His hand reached across the table and grabbed mine. It was a familiar touch.

"Prove it."

Those were the only words he needed. I was dragged away from the table and pulled outside of the bar. I had no idea where Jongin was staying. I figured it was his parent's house but I was wrong. We stopped at an apartment about a block away and he pulled out a key and pushed the door open. He led me to the first floor and once again unlocked a door. Before I could back out, I was inside of his apartment and inside of his room.

My back hit the bed and Jongin's lips molded against my own. As much as I wanted to resist him I couldn't. I missed the way that we kissed. I missed how he'd cup one of my cheeks and let his fingers trace over my skin. Most of all I missed the sounds that pushed past his perfect lips. Lips that I'd grown so accustomed to. The lips that formed so many 'I love yous'. The same lips that produced words that broke me. They were also the lips that put me together.

God, it was so hard to resist the man that I never thought I could live without. A week ago I was convinced that I didn't need him. I was so sure that everything that I felt for him was locked away and buried with my self esteem. But here I was kissing him back and wanting to pretend that nothing had changed. I needed this. I needed to feel him just one last time. I needed to make sure that the thoughts that filled my head wasn't just my heart telling me that Chanyeol was better because Jongin had hurt me. I needed to know if there was a trace of love left between us. I wanted to stop missing him.