Drowning

Prologue - Drowing

|Josh's p.o.v|

1/1/14

Have you ever been swimming in a really deep body of water? Whether it was a pond, a lake, the ocean, some crappy pool at your neighbours house doesn't matter. Was it so deep that you could barely see the bottom with your own eyes? Was it so deep that all you could see beyond you was nothing but darkness?

Have you ever been lying still in the water, lying on your back or even just floating there motionless? Have you ever had a though at the back of your mind that whispered " I could drown right now"? Have you ever tried to push that thought at the back of your mind, even though you knew it was right.

Have you ever felt a sudden weight added to your body whilst you were motionless? Like someone dropped an incredibly large boulder into your arms? Have you ever felt yourself falling below the surface of the water, trying to stay afloat as the air is slowly being taken form your lungs?

In short, what I'm asking you is: have you ever drowned? If  you have, you know how horrible it is. The need to constantly kick your arms and legs as you try to bring yourself above the surface of the water. The dreaded fear of water rushing into your lungs the second you accidentally breath. The feeling of hopelessness as you find yourself being dragged closer and closer to the deep depths of the waters seemingly endless abyss. Drowning feels horrible.

Now, for those of you who haven't drowned, you now know how it feels, right?
Well, that's how it feels to be alive to me. I don't feel like I'm living at all. I still feel emotions and feel my body functioning, but I don't feel like I'm truly alive. Everyday feels like I'm drowning.

The only reason I feel like I'm drowning is because of my mental disorders. I was diagnosed with severe anxiety and OCD when I was eleven, and I'm 26 now. I've learnt to live with them to say the least, but that doesn't make life any easier. Pretty much the only reason I'm alive is because of my best friend Tyler. Tyler is a sweet guy. He's really good at understanding and he can always help me when I'm in a jam. He's the one who helps me cope when I have a panic attack or when I'm feeling like things are out of place. He's my life.

Tyler's so good at helping me because he's got some mental disorders like I do. They may not be the same as mine, but they kinda help us think alike. Tyler has depression and ADD. He's always hyper and excited even if he's super run down and exhausted on the inside. It's kinda like me, except I'm never run down. I'm either always too busy cleaning or organizing things or worrying and being deathly afraid of pointless things to be run down. Even if Tyler hasn't been this way for the majority of his life, he copes with his illnesses better than I.

Jeez, I've been talking about Tyler so much that I forgot to introduce myself. My name is Joshua William Dun, Josh for short. As I mentioned earlier, I'm 26 years old. I'm single, and I've only really got one friend. I've got an overactive mind and a need for organization, even if the way I write and talk about things doesn't show that.

Honestly, I don't know why I bothered to go out and buy this. My close friend Mark suggested that I should, but I don't see a point. It'll only give me a chance to reflect on how hopeless I am. Whatever, it's too late to be thinking about that now. Tyler is asleep and I should be too. I'm so glad that I got to spend this New Years with him. He made me feel like a real person today. I hope this continues for the remainder of this year.

Even though you're nothing more than an inanimate object, journal, I still want to thank you for listening when nobody else can. I hope I can make this part of my routine. Maybe I'll turn this into a goal tracker? Yeah, I'll talk about my day, how I felt, and what my goals are. I hope I bring myself to do that anyways. Goodnight.
-Signed, Josh
__________________________

Josh gingerly laid the small leather journal down on the coffee table as he looked towards his bedroom door. Even though Tyler had his own room, he still found the older man passed out in his bed. Josh smiled at the sight. Tyler looked so peaceful when he was asleep like this, even if his arms and legs were sprawled out in all different directions. Josh looked around the living room of their small apartment. There were Taco Bell wrappers on the floor, chip crumbs everywhere, and a couple bottles of beer scattered around the coffee table. They had both stayed with each other this New Years and decided to celebrate not only to celebrate the new year, but the one month anniversary of them being roommates. It was the little things that Tyler did for them that made Josh feel really happy, which was strange for him. He usually felt bored or sad, not happy. But when Josh felt happy, he felt so happy.

After a few minutes of observing his surroundings, the mess started to make Josh cringe. He felt beads of sweat form in his forehead as the situation made him more uncomfortable by the second. He didn't want to wake Tyler up, but he couldn't leave the house in a mess like this. He quickly grabbed a garbage bag and threw away all the garbage and beer bottles. He gently swept the living room floor, and reorganized everything to his liking. By the time he was done, it was almost five am. He looked back to his bedroom door. He must not have hard Tyler shift positions, because when he saw Tyler he was practically in the floor. Since Josh was content with his surroundings, he quickly checked the lock by unlocking it then locking it again. He then quietly rushed to his room to assist Tyler. He gingerly grabbed Tyler under the arms, and propped his roommate back into his bed. Making sure that he hadn't woken Tyler up, he snapped in front of his face three times (no more, no less). He quietly whispered a goofy sentence into his ear. He didn't earn a response, so he figured it was safe to get ready for bed. He started by taking off his left sock, then the right. He took off his shirt and folded it up three times before gently laying it in the corner of the room. He left his sweatpants on since they weren't dirty. He climbed into bed on the right side, then laid down on his left side. He got a perfect view of Tyler from that angle.

Tyler look so angelic while he was sleeping. He looked angelic on a daily basis, but he was adorable even when his hair was messed up, he was snoring so loud it could cause and earthquake and there was drool dripping out of his mouth.

Josh liked Tyler a lot, much more than he'd ever admit. But he kind of pushed those feelings aside since Tyler was his best friend, nothing more and nothing less. Josh didn't realize he was staring at Tyler until his snores ceased and he went to open one of his eyes. Josh quickly shut his so Tyler would think that he's asleep.

"Josh?" Tyler's voice was raspy and tired. Josh didn't reply. He only laid there almost completely motionless as he felt his friend move and wrap his arms around him. He dozed off again quickly because he started to snore again. Josh could feel his cheeks heating up as he looked down at Tyler while he clung onto him. It was things like this that made Josh content with some of the things in his life.

His couldn't help but smile as he drifted off to sleep, thinking about how much he loved having Tyler in his life.