Colors

Novem

This is absurd. This is completely, utterly crazy. And yet I'm doing it. 

I just framed Ben after saying that he framed me.

I just kissed Captiosus for really no apparent reason.

It's evident that I'm insane. I'm literally out of my mind.

"Can you just stop, for a quick second, and tell me what the heck just happened?" Captiosus asked me. I wiped sweat off of my brow and kept walking.

"Captiosus, I'm a murderer! It's finally setting in, and I'm not even the one who's taking the blame. But why did Ben do that? Why would he say something like that?" I replied.

"Why would you say something like that?" Captiosus asked. I stopped walking altogether and glanced at him. Did I misread him back at the filming studio? In my spontaneity, I think that I confused my emotions for how I wanted him to feel, or how he really felt.

"I thought that you would want that, Captiosus," I opened up. "You seemed so eager for me to say that. I've known you for only a few days, why are you so--"

"Want what, Ventus? Want Ben out of the picture so that you and I could be together?"

"That's what you wanted?"

"No. That's what YOU wanted. Don't you see, Ventus? How quickly things have been moving, changing, how much you've changed my life in the few days since you got here? You were chosen for Black to be strong, daring, and brave. Blacks are not murderers. They are protectors. We don't do things in vain. We don't date four people at once. We love four people at once, but when the time comes, we let go. We know that in the end, none of them are right for us, and none of them are the people who we want to foster true, caring relationships with. We are the people who, when we kill someone, we take the blame. THAT is what we do. You are not Black, Ventus."

I charged forward at him, but he grabbed my arms and pinned me up against a nearby wall.

"I am Black," I said through gritted teeth. "That is my Color, that is my lifestyle, that. Is. Me."

Captiosus peered into my eyes. "No you're not. You dishonored our color. You are a disgrace."

"Let me go," I said, closing my eyes. It was starting to rain. A drop fell onto my head and slid down my forehead. Reluctantly, Captiosus let go. I looked at him with an intensity that I had not known before. The way every muscle in his arms moved, the way his jaw was perfectly angled, and the spike of his hair were enough to make any girl collapse. But not me. He had just opened up a whole new side of him, one that I had never seen before. They say that when you have cracked open someone's exterior, and they pour out their heart and soul to you, you have won.  But me? I felt like I had lost, and that I had disappointed everyone. A few weeks ago, I was a mellow girl looking to fit in. I had an ideal lifestyle that many people elsewhere (or so I've heard) do not have. Was Captiosus one of those people struggling to come to terms with himself? Does he long for friendship or conformity the way I long for justice? Do I really long for justice for everyone? No. I'm shallow and cold-hearted, and I only want justice for myself. How could I have gone so far downhill in a matter of days?

I slid t0 the ground, my knees pulled up to my chest, and put my head in my arms. I heard Captiosus hesitate, and then leave, and when I pulled my head up again, it was nearly dark. I could not-would not- go back to the dorms. 

I stood up and started walking in the opposite way I came. I looked at each building carefully, sometimes going inside or peeking through the windows. When I came to the building with the tall, barred windows, I knew that I had found the right place. When I entered, and saw the inscription "BLACK YOUTH CORRECTION CENTER AND JUVENILE DELINQUENT CENTER," I knew I had found the right place. 

At the front of the room, there was a black desk, and a young man, probably in his twenties, sat behind it. There was a large holding cell to the right of him. Two guards were talking in front of it, shielding my view from the person inside, but I didn't think that Ben would be in there anyway. 

"How can I help you?" the man behind the desk muttered. 

"I'm here to see Benignus." The man, who had been typing before, stopped and looked up at me.

"He is not taking visitors," the man said.

"I need to see him, please! Just give me a few minutes! I promise, it's super important!" I begged. The man pointed behind him, then gave me a "don't tell anyone or you're screwed and I'm fired" look. I nodded and hurried in the direction he pointed. 

It wasn't hard to find Ben. His cell was right in front, and there were extra guards stationed around it. They didn't even blink when I ran right up to the cell and stuck my hand (narrowly) through the bars.

"Ben!" I cried. He turned to face my direction, and when he saw me, his face totally changed from depressed to angry. I started crying, my makeup running down my face.

"I'm so sorry," I repeated over and over again. He just glared at me.

"You whore," he told me, his face stone. "You and Captiosus, ain't you special. How facetious, the two of you."

"No! You don't understand, Ben, why I did that, the same way I don't understand why YOU did that! Please, I'm sorry, I just-"

"I still love you."

"What?"

"I did this for you. When I first saw you, I knew that there was something different about you. You were so naive and innocent, and I took advantage of that, but I wanted to do everything I could to show that I cared for you. I wanted you to know that in the end, everything would be okay. But then you surprised me, Ventus. You came back strong, and you wriggled under my grasp instead of hanging there limply. It took me a while to realize how incredibly special you were. I did this for you, Ventus, and you repaid me by sleeping nude next to Captiosus."

I cried even harder, finally understanding his motives. 

"I never undressed in front of Captiosus, or slept with him, or anything! I kissed him, once, because I thought I was never gonna see him again, but he just got really mad at me and left me alone here, and I don't want to go back there, Ben, I don't! I'm gonna turn myself in, and save you."

"No! Go. You need to help us all, Ventus. You know how."

"No, I don't."

I walked up to a security guard and told him my story. I confessed everything, and I mean EVERYTHING, before he locked me up, too.

No, I was not happy, but my conscience was clear. Ben was mad, but once I explained my side of the story to him, he understood. I know that I am meant for bigger and better things, but I thought that, for what it's worth, I deserved to die the most out of everyone.

No, I was not suicidal. But this was me doing just what I always do: finding justice for myself.