Crossed Tracks

3

If you had to pick one moment in your life when you couldn’t bare the fake smiles and the pretence of everything being fine, what would it be?

That time a loved one left without reason, either from this world of from your life?

Or the time when you failed all your goals and just sat there with a block in your throat?

How about the worst of them all? That time when you’re heartbrokenly upset and yet you can't talk to anyone about it. You can't tell your mother because the only conversation you get from her is about ... well herself. Your friends aren’t like you and if those word “no I’m not okay" slipped out your mouth they would be brushed aside with a thoughtless comment or analysed in every way you can’t handle.

In my option there are so many bad moments in one person’s life. But the worst are the ones you can't tell anyone about. The fear of them not helping and making you feel worse .Of the person you finally decide to tell turning on you like your scum.

Lying on a patch of grass with the suns heat brushing my face, i can feel the deadly blackness crawl up my throat. It’s hard to keep it at bay, to keep pushing it back so as not to burst from the box of my body

It’s been close to escaping. People simply with a concerned faces and a “are you okay?" seem to crack through my steal wall.

These words are always my undoing if I’m not careful. You feel as though you've built your walls strong and tall. So much so that the reason for the pain seems small in-comparison . But as soon as someone- anyone asks those words you feel it crushed down into a powdery dust. Letting everything locked away stream through the gaps and seep through your eyes in clear watery drops.

The park is my refuge today. Not home or work or even friends. Today is a day when you turn your music up and blast away any thoughts that might appear. My palms are flat, playing with the soft cold grass beneath me and as the piano melody drifts threw my ears. A single tear breaks free angrily swiping it away, i open my eyes to see bare tree branches and blue sky.

Reaching deep into soft fleece of my coat pocket, i pull a cigarette out and cast my mind over the past few months. Everything is pale now that spring is returning, following the theme for the last month or so of my life. Pale. It seems that everything blurs together into a mixer of grey skies and uneventful memories. Brads face as he kisses me clumsily, the moan I hear behind my closed door , my hand as it smacks him around that stupid face and the feeling of pride as i see scratch marks on poppy’s face.

Here it goes again, the bubbling anger and something close to black ink seeping through my body .deep into my veins in a sticking to each and every thought. I didn’t love him. I’ve never loved anyone, i don’t believe in it. But i care for people and i trust them and one thing they both seemed to do was fuck me over.

A deep huffing sounds from my body as i raise the cigarette to my lips again. Pulling deep i feel the smoke reach into my body, pushing back at the black anger. It grounds me, makes me feel more of a person and reminds me how this is temporary .i will move on from this painful ache. This event does not define my life.

My mind forces itself to wonder in and out of the past few months. Brushing over the routine day to day things like brushing teeth and eating food. As a blur of my lecturer’s faces passes i hear a noise to my right. A shuffling of shoes slightly too big and a small sniffle of a person without a tissue. Without opening my eyes to the blinding whiteness that will invade my senses, I speak clearly to the mystery person “I’ve got pepper spray . So fuck off yeah?" it’s not a question, more of a verbal attitude slap. A shuffling of movement drifts through the air and quite laughter seems to caress my ears just before something drops to the ground. Cracking open the darkness of my eyes i see the back of someone’s body as they drop to the ground beside me.