look alive, sunshine

▶︎ broadcast 13.

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"i know what it's like to feel burned out"

-hold on till may (feat. lindsey stamey)

[8:50 PM.]

let's get right to it, shall we? I've never been one for sympathy or over exaggeration (okay, maybe a little exaggeration) but I can honestly say that I consider myself, at least on the exterior, to be a pretty okay person. I'm usually helping others, always just there. (now of course there are the usual contradictions where I'm really dramatic and loud and selfish but that's beside the point.) the point is, I actually do a lot for other people, despite my claims at being selfish. yet one thing has always been evident - no matter how much I help others, I never get credit for it. now, I hate calling it credit. but to simply go unnoticed forever is sometimes a little too far. 

I chose to stay at home with nick and kore to watch re-runs of old 90s shows last weekend rather than go to that party, or gathering, or whatever you want to call it, that was happening at melody's house. his reasoning was this:

"it's not like you don't know anyone there, just go and hang with, I don't know, nina, or something."

 at which point I reminded him that no matter how hard I try to make conversation, no matter how close nina and I are, I will never truly belong. 

here she goes again, you think, with her "I know it's cliché but it's true" spiel. well, deal with it. because it was only then that I realised just how little people that I'm not related to that I can turn to. I could help each individual in a group of, say, five, with something, they would give me the casual "I love you" we all throw around these days, and for a few hours, I would feel good about myself. (like maybe this time, they really meant it.) but no, the instant that we're in a situation that does not require my help, it's rather like I cease to exist. 

if I had gone to that party, just like the many other gatherings before, I know I would have just sat there at the edge of everything, and that no one would even notice. you know when people are sitting in a circle, and you sit down next to them in an attempt to join their circle? only they don't move, and suddenly you're in the awkward position of staring at everyone's backs, but it would be rude to ask them to move back (and even if they did it wouldn't be enough to let you in) and if you were to get up and move away it would draw too much attention? 

it feels like glass. like a huge, sheet of glass, rather like the two way mirrors you see in all those action films and crime shows. where I can see in, only no one can see out. and because they can't see out, they are incapable of noticing that anyone else is there. I'm not even exaggerating here when I say that out of all the 'groups' I belong to - you know, those things fabricated by society to divide us into- well that's another story. I digress. out of all of the groups I belong to, there is not a single one that I would be able to approach in an outside school situation (ie, a party) where I would be included.

not a single. one.

so when nick said, "go hang with nina", it brought sharply to my attention this fact-the fact that I'm the spare. the extra. yes, the one 'appreciated' in the heat of the moment, but also the one afterwards forgotten. it makes me less of a person, and more of a convenient switch for people to flick back and forth. 

on.

and off. 

it leaves me in darkness until light is needed again, whereupon which I am called forth to carry out what others must see as my duty. 

here comes the sappy part (advance apologies). it hurts. believe it or not, it hurts. it's draining, too, when you finally come to realise this. (I got a rather painful ache as a result behind my eyes and at my temples just before beginning this broadcast. I had to sleep for an hour to make the headache go away. in case you were wondering. which you weren't.)

 despite this station, I am not an invincible ball of optimism. not in the slightest. (although as a result of my own actions I may have convinced everyone that I am.)

we all hurt, some of us are just better at hiding it than others. I happen to be very good at hiding it; always ready to whip around with a smile and the well rehearsed "I'm fine" whenever anyone asks me if a) I'm okay and b) if I would like to join in. (as you may have guessed, the answer is always no, for reasons that are self explanatory.)

now for the part where she contradicts herself (you see, you listeners are getting to know me very well.) admittedly, I two-way-sheet-of-glass others on purpose sometimes too. (though usually it's with myself, blocking out everyone else). however on those rare occasions where I am with other people, I confess to you that it's usually because I don't want to talk to someone. for the thousandth time, we've all been there. it's a mark of how hypocritical I am that I still continue to do it to others even though I know how it feels myself. 

chhhhkkk

wow okay so this is an extra cut before I broadcast this but I just realised how absolutely demented I sounded. apologies also for all the brackets. I don't usually do that too much, I guess I was in the mood today. 

tune in next time for (hopefully more regular) broadcasts on SSFM 109.2; I'm sunshine.