Exed out

What If, What If, What If

Jonas got me home and I was surprised by how patient he was with me as I ranted about Calum and his audacity to talk to me as if I owed him a damn thing. I knew I was being irrational as I cursed and groaned about Asshole Calum. I was wrong and Calum was right, but I was too stubborn to admit it. Jonas use to never tolerate angry outburst. He use to be irritated rather quickly and quick to tell me to shut the hell up and get over it. Now he sat and just listened. It was so unlike him, and it made me even more frustrated because I wasn't here to see his miraculous change in personality.

"Fuck!" I yelled for the umpteenth time. "He's such a fucking asshole!"

Jonas kept his eyes on the road while I was gripping my hair on my fists. "Jonas, do you think he had a right to come up to me and demand all these answers?"

Jonas swiveled his head towards me once his truck came to a stop at a red light.

"Don't answer that," I grumbled.

"Let me tell you what I think," Jonas said patiently. "I think you're trying to avoid talking about what happened four years ago, and that's understandable. It was a tough time in your life, and you'd rather just forget it."

"Exactly!" I exclaimed, throwing my hands up.

"However," Jonas continued, waiting for me to calm down, "however, I don't think you should avoid him."

I laughed humorlessly. "You can stop talking now."

"Stop it," Jonas said seriously. "Stop being stubborn and just listen to me. I think that avoiding it for the past four years hasn't helped, so maybe, just maybe, you should try talking about it. And I think Calum is the perfect person to talk about it with. He needs it just as much as you do, and it's selfish of you to deny him these answers."

I thought about what he said. I didn't consider it because I simply could not handle talking about it, but I tried to see it the way he saw it. But selfish? I had the right to be selfish. I had to look out for myself. I still have the right to be selfish, didn't I?

"I don't owe anyone an explanation," I said out loud. 

"No, you really don't. But, Beth, Calum was your best friend, probably the only person at that time who cared about you. I mean Dad was consumed with grief over his failed marriage, Max was busy being Mr. Amazing, and I was high as a fucking kite 24/7. He was the only one who waited in the waiting room of the hospital during every free minute he had even though you said he couldn't see you. He was the only one who was worried enough to ask questions and that's why you ran from him."

I was quiet for a long time before Jonas said anything else. "You know I'm right, Beth," he said rather smugly. "You don't owe him an apology, but you owe him answers. And you owe it to yourself to give them to him."

"How the fuck did you get so deep, Jonas?"

He shrugged. "Lots of meditation and therapy sessions."

•

When we got back to the house, all the lights were out and my mom's car was gone. I sighed wondering if they had calmed down or if mom had just up and left. She was really good at just leaving.

Jonas helped me out of his truck and up the stairs to my room because when I tried to open my door, the cab of the truck began to spin and I couldn't get out. He helped me take my shoes off and tucked me into bed, and then he sat with me because I started to cry. I felt so stupid and my face was hot with angry tears.

I started to cry because I was reminded of the first few nights after mom left. Dad locked himself in his  room and even thought I was almost seventeen, I felt lost in the simplest activities. I was consumed with worry over my dad, and it was Max who helped me adjust and become strong. That first night, I didn't know what to think or what to do. Max told me it was best to just sleep off the first day, so I followed him upstairs and let him tuck me into bed like I was five years old. That was one of the last times that Max felt like my brother. He was twenty-two at the time, finishing up college and about to start a new life, so after things at the house settled down, he left and kind of distanced himself from the family. Not that I blamed him for it. Things were falling apart and leaving was the only way to make sure that he didn't fall apart too. After that, though, every time I saw him it was as if he wasn't my brother but someone else's.

I cried because I had hoped that one day Jonas would stop popping pills and be present in life, and Max would let us be apart of his life again. Now he was dead and that was never going to happen. He was dead, and he still didn't feel like my brother. At least Jonas was back to planet Earth.

Jonas ended up falling asleep next to me, just like when we were little kids, but I couldn't bring myself to shut my eyes and sleep. I kept thinking about Max and all the times it felt like he was brother. I remember thinking I was a badass when I was twelve because my older brother was the senior quarterback of the football team and a key player in basketball. That was when my family was still together and happy about it. We all worshiped Max because he was so smart, athletic, and nice to everyone. He was the perfect son, the perfect brother until suddenly he didn't have a family to be a son or brother to.

Then my mind wandered even further to the what-if situations. What if two years ago instead of Jonas and Lila knocking on my door, high on whatever drugs they took, it was Max, Riley, and Rachel, his wife and daughter, who knocked on my door and asked me to join them for Christmas? What if I made more of an effort to get ahold of him? I knew Dad spoke to him over the phone occasionally. What if four years ago I never lost my shit and was able to do what I planed with Calum? How different would my life be? How different would any of our lives be?

Eventually the lack of sleep, the time spend traveling yesterday, and the alcohol put my ass to sleep. I pulled myself together while making sure not to wake up Jonas, and became the strong woman that Max showed me how to be.