Thoughts

Drowning

For as long as I can remember, I've only ever had one fear. Now, when I say fear, I don't mean spiders, or clowns, or anything like that. I mean my deep, dark fears. I, for as long as I can remember, am afraid of drowning. Not drowning in water, but in my own head. I don't know if anybody knows what I mean by this. I don't know if I come off as mental when I say this, but it's true.

When I was younger, I always had that sinking feeling, maybe that's what sparked that fear. I was afraid that one day, that sinking would turn into my drowning. The drowning that would be my complete destruction. I feared that my habit of bottling everything up inside of me would drown me. That all of my emotions, feelings, thoughts, everything, would drown me. And I knew that once I drowned, there would be no coming back.

I wanted to let it all out, I wanted to tell somebody about my fucked up thoughts, but I didn't. I felt like I was going mad, I didn't think that anybody would understand me. Even when I tried to tell somebody, I backed out, it seemed like everybody had problems that were bigger than mine. So, I continued to bottle everything up, my fear of drowning increased, but I didn't care anymore. I knew that I was a goner,'why should I try to get better if nobody will listen?' is something that I asked myself frequently.

My fear grew bigger as the days went by, and I did nothing to fight back. I laid there defenselessly as my fear of drowning took over my brain. It's like that fear tied a noose around my mind, slowly killing who I was. I felt worthless, I was sinking further down into the lose ocean in my mind, and it was not fun or pretty. My fear took over my life, I dreamed about drowning, I would wake up in the middle of the night shaking because of my dreams that the fear had given me. I had stopped sleeping, I lost the only thing that had given me comfort.

Once that fear started to take over my mind, I just sat there, in my mind, in silence. My once happy thoughts turned into dark depressing thoughts. I was once able to relax, but I only became stressed. I started to care about what other people thought of me. I was losing who I was in every way imaginable. I had no source of happiness, I barely had anything left that was really ME. My emotions were locked away, in a place where nobody would ever be able to find them.

The silence in my mind was almost violent, it's like there was no escape from that sinking feeling. I had truly become gone, I was lost in my own mind. I couldn't find a reason to hold on, I had nothing but my fears and the darkness. But, a part of me wanted to keep on fighting, so I did. I tried desperately, I did everything I could. I broke down the walls that kept me trapped in my mind, one by one, they all fell down.

CRASH

CRASH

CRASH

CRASH

And then, there was nothing. The drowning sensation slowly started to fade away, after fighting for YEARS, I was on my way to recovery. I wasn't fully there, I wasn't even close. But, I had something new, I had a bit of hope. I found my reason to stay alive. No, it wasn't some boy/girl that I fell in love with that made me want to keep on fighting. My reason to fight for my life was me, I was tired of being alone and waiting to be saved by some stranger. I decided that I was going to save myself. And eventually, I did. I was broken, but later on in my life, I fixed myself, and I did it for ME.