When I think about my life, it's weird. Either I'm really happy and positive about life or I'm sad and I'm self-harming again. I think I have depression. I'm not sure though. I did study about depression and I do have a lot of the symptoms but I have never had enough courage to tell anyone that I think there is something wrong with me. Maybe it's because I don't have enough courage to actually get diagnosed. I want to get diagnosed, but, at the same time, I don't want to know there is something truly wrong with my brain.
It all really started last summer. Last summer was hell for me. Last summer ruined it all for me. Last summer a couple of things happened to me. When I say that, I don't mean good things. Last summer I had my first kiss. It was wonderful. At the time I thought it was perfect. He was handsome. He seemed like a really nice guy. Later on, I find out that he has a girlfriend. He kissed me, not for me but for fun. I am a toy. If he told me he's single and he lied about that how do I know he didn't lie about the other stuff too?
But that isn't the worst part of my summer. The worst part of my summer was when I traveled to another country and I went to a great hotel and I got a lot of friends there. It doesn't seem bad at first but what happened next I never thought something like that would ever happen to me. I met a guy. He was great and all. One day we were talking and he asked me if he can kiss me. To this day, I regret my next decision.
I nodded. He kisses me and then grabs my ass. His arms wrapped around me, forcefully grabbing my body. I nudge him and pull away a bit. The look on my face was helpless and powerless. I didn't know how to control this situation. In his eyes, I was the perfect prey. I keeps on kissing me and then he puts his hand into my swim suit and tries to finger me. I try to push him off but he is too strong. I am struggling to get him off and he is clearly enjoying himself. When I finally do get his disgusting hands off of me, I run away.
I started to feel like I was more of a toy than a person. I started to self-harm and I started to smile way less. Then one day my older brother invited his friends over to hangout. My parents were out of the house and I was in my room listening to loud music. I hear a knock on my bedroom door and when I open the door I see three boys standing in the doorway. I was wearing a hoodie with the words, "I'm a hugger." on it. They ask me if I was hug them since I am a hugger. I hug them and they grab my ass. Yet again, like a broken record, my life is repeating itself. I am just a worthless, stupid, weak tool.
