A Diamond In The Rust

Let Me Tell You A Thing

It's been about two weeks since Esmeralda and I made out on the roof top of my car like a cliched romance scene or whatever. The moon was high and my heart was pounding, we both leaned in slowly and when our lips touched...holy fucking shit it was perfection. First off, let me say I was so nervous that I thought I was going to puke on her, but thankfully, I stayed cool and no one vomited. The kiss was slow and soft with your occasional 'holy shit was that a firework?', somewhat careful, as if it was a test, and judging by her confident smile after we pulled away, I passed with a fucking A. That smile...I can't get it out of my head. It's like every time my mind wanders off, I see it clear as day as if she was standing right in front of me. It was such a soft but sure smile, her eyes looked right into mine, gazing softly and warmly as she held onto me lightly. Her lips easily lifted up into a smile as I found myself unable to tear away from those large brown eyes. It was as if something snapped into place that made everything perfectly fine and it was all because of me.

So after I smiled back, unable to help myself, we stayed like that for a bit before he hopped in my car and I drove her home. She thanked me for the ride, we said goodnight, I hauled ass out of her neighborhood before I got shot by someone because her neighborhood is fucking dangerous, and that was that.

Actually, that wasn't the end of it. Far from it, my reading friend who is interested in my pathetic life for some reason.

You see, after that little make out session on prom night, Esmeralda and I have been going at it every chance we get. In secret corners at school, in my car at the parking lot, in the break room of the orphanage; hell, Santino walked in on us once and all he did was give us one of those all knowing smirks and walked out. Fucking asshole, who the hell did he think he was? Our hookups were a lot different from our adorable little first kiss. The hookups were hungry, passionate, confident and a little sloppy at times but they were always passionate, as soon as we were sure no one was going to find us, we'd latch on to each other and completely ravish one another. We'd pass by each other and say these ridiculous pick up lines like:

"Hey, would you like me to come over and butter your muffins?"

And then she would say,

"Depends, is your dick toll free?"

I knew it was wrong, but I only felt a small tang of guilt when I found myself awake at night thinking about Esmeralda and the way she smelt and tasted and felt...that's when I would remember I had a girlfriend and that I was cheating on her nearly everyday. Esmeralda didn't seem to care, but then again, Esmeralda was single and didn't have anything conflicting with our rendezvous.

So now you're probably asking why I haven't broken up with Femke, who by the way did in fact bitch at me for leaving and just sending a text message, and went ahead and dated Esmeralda already. Don't get me wrong, I did want to be with Esmeralda, I even liked her better than Femke in every way possible, but there were two things getting in the way. First off, I still like Femke a little and I don't want to rudely dump her to go immediately date someone I didn't want anything to do with a couple months ago. Secondly, we never talked about it. We just did, ya know? So I don't know if Esmeralda genuinely likes me and wants to be with me, or if this is all some sort of friends with benefits business to get her mind off of Alfred. I don't know if this is all just a game to Esmeralda and I don't want to make a fool out of myself, so I just keep playing along, assuming she thinks it's a game. But then there's the way she kisses me deeply and holds me tightly and there's no way its just a game, every time i think about it, my stomach does this unpleasing pretzel knot. We even check each other out from across the room but of course she finds me attractive, she wouldn't be making out with me all the time if she didn't, so it's still a fifty fifty chance she likes me back, or just thinks I'm hot. I keep telling myself that it's obvious she likes me back, because it fucking is, I'm just screwing with myself, but then my gut tells me shes just messing around because its all too good to be true and I cant bring myself to believe it. So I just keep my mouth shut.

Eventually, Esmeralda's sentence was cleared and she stopped volunteering at the orphanage. Which meant that the amount of hook ups we had began to decrease and life at the orphanage didn't waste it sweet time into turning into a drag again. The kids went back to moping around and whenever i spoke to them, they would tell me that they like Esmeralda better and wanted her back. It gave me a fucking headache.

But let me tell you a thing, one day, this little girl came up to me and told me that it didn't make any sense that Esmeralda left. I glanced up at her and asked her what she meant. In a fit of rage, I ended up telling the kids that the chick they idolized was only here because she didn't know how to follow the law and that she was sent to work here as punishment and her time out was over. I couldn't stand their curious little minds anymore and honestly, I wanted Esmeralda back just as bad as they did. Anyways, I asked the little girl what the meant by that and she said,

"I don't understand why Esmeralda left, I thought you two were in love. It certainly looked like it" she looked at her shoes and walked away, as if she was too shy to be in my presence but had to speak her mind. Now that made my stomach flip it's shit and my heart forget how to function. I would mention the kids to her every once and a while and she'd light up and ask how they're doing. When I tell her that they're little shit heads who refuse to listen to me, shed chuckle, tossing her head back slightly and tell me she knew nothing would change between me and those punks.

I did love Esmeralda...but did she love me back? Hell, does she even like like me? I love the way she shows the rules who's boss and the way her smile would play into a little smirk and how she walks around confidently, but not like a diva. I loved it when she would be sitting there quietly, but a thought would pass her mind and shed give this soft little smile, I loved the way her lips linger close to mine after a kiss, as if wanting more. Fucking hell did I love that little juvenile delinquent.