A Diamond In The Rust

I Always Do My Best Thinking in the Bathroom

I woke up around two a.m. I was having those weird dreams where nothing was logical and your conscience was trying to tell you something. I was locked inside an abandoned castle, probably from the sixteenth century. All the lights were off, except for a few lighted torches here and there. Just your classic old castle. Smells of death, air is too cold, cobblestone everything. So I was walking around and I couldn't fail to notice what a low sense of fashion the place had when suddenly, a curtain appeared. It was beautiful. Thin red sheet and light seemed to shine from behind it. I walked into it, desperate. As if something was pulling me in. My body was numb, but my mind was buzzing. I was about to be blinded by the light when it suddenly vanished...I was back in the dark. I heard noises, so my dumb self went to go investigate. Uh, rule number one: Never ever ever investigate! I guess that doesn't apply in dreams. I walked through this spinning tunnel and I wanted to puke, but I kept on walking. Suddenly, the tunnel burst into flames and I was in a forest. I ran like mad hell until I saw a phone booth and entered. When I entered, I was back in the castle. I saw a shaking figure. It was Femke. I ran to her weak body. She was crying. I held her and asked her what was going on. Suddenly, all the lights went out. I felt as if I was carrying weights and I lost my smile. Everything was wrong and I felt horrible. Sick and depressed.

She disappeared in my arms. A lady appeared behind me and said something..."You still need to put some pieces together. Then, you will be free. The last piece is already there. You are so close. You just need to realize and get to work". I don't know. Was she like my Fairy God Mother or some shit? I still have no idea what she was trying to tell me. She was some fat Italian lady. I saw another phone booth and decided to go inside. What do you know. Another room in the castle. Esmeralda was there. She was in a renaissance dress and I found myself in old fashioned clothes as well. She offered me pasta and I said yes. She took out a silver platter, but instead of seeing pasta when she opened the lid, a freaking butterfly flew out. Suddenly, all the lights turned on and I felt weightless and unstoppable. Happy and carefree. She started laughing and she took my hand. We danced around for a little bit. She stopped and said it was time for me to wake up, then disappeared. I looked around for her, but my Fairy God Mother popped up. She simply nodded, smiling...Then I woke up. What the hell!

I got up and dragged myself to my bathroom. I turned on the lights and splashed some water in my face. I looked at myself in the mirror. I stared at my own hazel eyes, trying to figure out if I was going insane or not. I studied my face. It was actually healing pretty quickly! I didn't look like a deranged freak anymore. Bravo Lovino, bra-freaking-vo. I sighed. What is life? What is my life? Why is it coming so undone? What am I going to get from this? How am I going to get out of this? Why am I asking my self all these questions! I don't have time for anxiety! I knew a girl once who had a bad case of anxiety and she always looked so worn out and tired. She said she never rested. She's in a psych ward now...No one talks about it anymore...

I continued to look at myself. I'm an attractive guy, but at the same time, I'm not. I'm lanky and not buff. I'm short. I have an awkward curl that hangs out. But I am attractive...don't get me wrong. It's my personality that needs fixing. I'm cold and stubborn. I've built up my walls over time because I'm so pathetic. Why do you think I walk around acting like I'm top and tough shit? So I don't loose myself and let my confidence go crumbling down. I mean come on...I'm good with verbal attacks, but I always seemed to get bullied...and sometimes beat up. So I have to amp up my charm and put others down. Like Feli and Antonio. Well...me and Antonio aren't exactly buddie buddie anymore. I remember we started to fade when he started dating Esmeralda. He was always to dumb or oblivious to notice my verbal attacks. It was great. He knew I needed to vent in that way and he let me. He was okay with it. He knew I needed to constantly put him down and that he wasn't supposed to snap back. He was my best friend...But then we started getting really distant. He always had me as his first choice, but then he started to only talk to me when no one else was around. And he didn't pay attention to me. He wouldn't say hello when I walked into class. He wouldn't walk out with me like he used to.

Then one day, out of the blue, he said he was done. It turns out he was getting peer pressured into standing up to my bullying. They manipulated him to change his mind on our friendship. He said I had issues that I needed to solve. He said he didn't need to be put down all the time. I was so confused. He understood me and why I was like that then..POOF! It was like I was talking to someone else. So I'm a loner. A loser. I have no friends. I suck. I only have Femke and Feli...But I don't know about Femke. She doesn't understand me. I can't let my walls down to her. Everything has to be so peachy perfect. I don't want that kind of relationship. I want a sentimental one...Gosh I'm such a sap. A relationship with someone who likes to have pointless fun and drive me to the point where I'm laughing for hours. Someone to work and grow with. They know my problems and I know theirs and we help each other out. Someone who has a good view on the moral of life...

I sighed heavily and mumbled a few words of frustration in Italian. I let my mind wander to Esmeralda. I was alone, so what was the danger right? She's so real. I remember when we were working on our solar ovens, she told me that the oven at her house broke and she fixed the whole thing by herself. I tried to imagine Femke getting down and dirty and just couldn't even picture it. Femke is so fragile. Esmeralda has life experience. She's been through hell and back. She's fought and worked hard for what she has. Sure she has flaws, but so do I. Sure she's a trouble maker and needs some fixing up, but it's who she is. Her life has turned her into that rough little rebel. She knows every corner of the dark and isn't afraid to face it.

I sat there and continued to analyze the Mexican. Then it hit me. When you stop being biased and stubborn about reputation, when you look at everything in a neutral point of view, you realize that Esmeralda is one of the most amazing people you'll ever meet. She's so dynamic and has tons of personality, her own personality. I always tell myself I'm too good for her company, but now I'm not even sure...

I thought about the way she took care of me while Femke ran away from the blood. I never knew Esmeralda could be so gentle. Like all these years, I just told my self she doesn't have a heart, but it might just turn out that she has one of the biggest hearts ever. The saying 'Don't judge a book by it's cover' just kneed me in the balls. People will always surprise you. She was just...being so nice and careful not to hurt me. And she apologized for her stupid boyfriend. I remembered her face. She smiled, but she looked concerned. Was she actually worried about me? I thought to how she is with the orphans. They light up and she joins in with their activities. It's so amazing to realize that side of her. I always told myself to stay away from her, but now I want to get close...Is that weird? I also remembered the way I felt when her face was so close to mine. I was nervous and my stomach had butterflies...Looking into her eyes was hypnotic. Her scent surrounded me. I still remember it from when she took care of me and we almost.....uh...yeah.

Dammit Lovino. I felt my stomach flutter. You're either going insane or developing a crush. Please let it be the first. I prayed for my sanity while I remembered the three major D's that gramps taught me.

Deny,  deny, deny.

I'm not developing a thing for Esmeralda. I don't think she's the most amazing person I've ever met. I don't think she's beautiful.

There. I'll just keep repeating that to myself and I'll be able to sleep soundly. Right? Wrong! The more I keep denying, the more my stomach flutters. I'm getting no sleep tonight....