My Life

Real Friends (?)

So I'm a huge gamer. I used to play WOW, League, AQW, Dragon Nest, etc., but currently I'm playing Ourworld (Which I've been playing for like 5 years). Like every gamer, I tend to act different when I'm playing. Why? It's a lot easier to talk to people (well some people) than in real life.

On the net, I actually have friends from places I've never heard of that actually enjoy talking to me... it's not that I don't have friends in real life. It's just... it's hard to talk to them, it's hard to really be with them... how can I say it... Well let's think of things like this.

You've just reached school and then head towards your group of friends who are already in a deep conversation about... well like anime/school/music. Your friends know you're there, but once the hi's are exchanged, that's it. You literally stand there, sometimes just adding in your personal opinion, until the bell rings. I don't know, maybe I'm over reacting, but I never really felt like I was a part of my friends at all. I'd walk over to the tables and find out that my friends are planning to get together. I'm never invited to join in the fun. I get promises every time that I'd get invited to the next event, but it never happens... why? Because they've known each other longer. Because they don't know me enough. Because the truth is, whether I'm there or not there, it doesn't really matter.

Let's get this straight, out of all my friends, if I disappeared, it wouldn't matter. All my friends have known each other for years and I was just added in to the equation. To be honest, I've tested this theory. If I disappeared from my friends for a month... what would happen if I came back? Results? Nothing, but a few extra words: "Where have you been?"

Actually just recently, we've just survived finals. So before winter break starts, it's common in my high school for friends to give gifts to friends. While I gave out chocolates (because why not?), I never expected anything in return. I mean it's not like everyone is forced to give something out. I'm not complaining that I'm not getting anything in return... I'm complaining about the part where your friend gives everyone else a gift... except you.

"Whoops! Sorry Chris, I don't have one for you... but thanks for the chocolate!"

Sure. Smile, and just let it slide. She really didn't mean it, really she didn't! But... there's always that part of me that gets the point: Or did she meant it?

Sure, we talk and have our interests, but is it enough? I can never be completely honest with my friends, but it's not because I don't trust them. I feel as if I don't know them enough. I mean... I try to get to know them. I can tell you about my friend who loves anime as much as I do, and I can tell you his every reaction to every scenario. I can tell you about my other friend who loves kpop and lives to fangirl over her bias' stardom, but why would that matter? I know so much about them, but what do they know about me? Oh... Right... I forgot, the obvious things.

"Uh... you like anime and kpop... you're a guy. Uhh... Chris, you're in high school right?"

"You like to draw... wait you play guitar? You can write?  You didn't seem to be the kind of person who would, you know, do that kind of stuff.

So after 3 - 7 years (depending on which friend I'm talking to) ... that's it? While I can guess your every reply, mimic certain repetitive behaviors, and know what can piss you off, you can barely guess what's my favorite color and what I like to do when I'm alone.

That's why, most of the time, I'd rather be alone.  When I'm alone, I can be myself, but without anyone to talk to. I mean when you're alone, who can ignore you? Who can really say things that might hurt you? Isn't it better?

I have two friends on Wattpad who know I have an account that I know in real life. I'm not going to say usernames, but I want to say sorry to the both of you. You two are awesome friends, but sometimes I wish I could join in with you guys. I've tried... I really have... but it never seems to work. I'll always be standing around all of you, and even if I disappear, maybe it's for the better.

Sorry for my ranting, but writing this down has really helped. My intention isn't to say my friends are terrible. They're not. It's simply my fault. I can keep telling myself it's their fault, but I know that my crazy/smart/goofy/super serious friends would never really do the things I've mentioned intentionally. So if anything, this is my chance to change this part of me. I like every one of my friends, and I'm sure even without me saying this, they know this too. I might not be completely honest yet, but I care.

And I think, out of everything in this world, that's what's most important.