My Life

Restarting: Looking Back

There are times where you find something that you've done years back. Now usually, for me, this is either flashbacks or random stories that I half started and never finished. There are times where I laugh at all the stupid things I wrote, sometimes I cringed, sometimes I want to hide in embarrassment... and sometimes... I want to cry.

If you've read any of the past chapters in this book, you'll know that I see myself as someone who's full of flaws. Of course I'm a little more positive and more confident in myself. Though there are still times where I utterly insult/roast myself, I'm different from the person I was years ago.

So three days ago, I was cleaning out my closet/spare room/junk room and I found this really dusty binder. At first I was going to trash it because when I touched it, it literally stuck to my thumb. Of course I just sighed and was about to trash it, but then suddenly a bunch of stuff fell out from the binder.

It was literally all paper which I thought was my old school notes until I saw in big somewhat fancy handwriting the words: "Last Words." And at that moment, I literally had so many flashbacks. I picked up all the letters and just sat down, reading everything. Now in case some of you don't understand, before I attempted suicide, I would write my last words to whoever would find it... I saw it as leaving my mark on the world. I read everything and remembered why I wrote each and every one of them... and just broke down.

There were some really just painful things to read and I just started picturing myself, sitting in the very same desk I have now, writing the letter... about how I felt... how I looked.

But I know that some people will never know how I feel. So to give you some understanding as to how I felt just even finding my letters, I've provided a typed version of a letter I randomly chose.

~~~

Last Words                                                                                                March 25, 2014

I'm tired of this. I'm tired of being here only to know that if I do manage to get over this, I'll just be left alone again. So why do I even try?

Mom and Dad are in their room. I can hear them talking about me. I don't blame them. It's all my fault.

I don't think I should say goodbye to Katlyn or Adam (Changed the names to hide true identities)... I'll only get in their way. Besides, they have other things to worry about.

Screw  this world. Even if I never live again at least I don't have to live with all this damn doubt. It's time to admit that it's over.