Bite The Bullet

dreams

Though I rarely sleep well, I have big dreams. When I was younger, all I wanted was to own horses. My dreams have changed. When i can block out the voices, I dream of getting married. I dream of living in the country, raising kids, growing old together. These dreams fade when the voices come.
The voices only let me dream of being skinny, pretty. They make me dream of someone actually loving me, or caring. The voices let me dream these things for a second, then they remind me what I am. The dream is over. This is reality.
It's a Saturday, so no school today. I get up and throw on a sundress and socks. As I leave my room I hear someone in the kitchen and smell pancakes. Does mom have the day off? Pancakes. She is gonna make me eat some! Wait this is good! No. No. Think of the mirror, the scale. I battle with the voices for a minute. Before I can stop myself, my feet have moved me into the kitchen. Mom gives a quick good morning and slides a plate of pancakes onto the table. My mouth waters, my stomach growls. Before I can think about what I'm doing I have already eaten 2 pancakes. My stomach aches. But it feels good. I tell mom I'm full and start to clean up the dishes. She says she is going on a business trip this weekend and I will have to fend for myself. This happens alot. Usually only for a day or two though. I wonder why she made pancakes to let me know this time. then I remember. My birthday is tomorrow. She is gonna miss it.
I explain that it's no big deal and walk back to my room. It's no big deal mom. Just my 16th birthday. I have no plans for the day so I grab my computer and get on YouTube. I watch a couple random celeb videos. But quickly switch to kids cartoons after I see how thin all of my favorite celebritys are. I check my phone. 0 messages. Figures. Why would anyone want to talk to me.
My mom comes into my room to say goodbye. I hug her and she does the usual mom thing and acts like she will never see me again and says that she loves me alot. I don't think much of it at the time. But it is moments like this that I wish we could freeze in time and stay like that forever. When nothing seems to be wrong and someone cares about you.
After she leaves I brush my teeth and brush my hair. These two routines have kept me sane on the worst of days. My day as usual slugs along. I run on the treadmill in our living room, then I watch TV all day. I skip lunch and dinner since I ate those pancakes. I fall asleep watching Disney channel on the couch. As I fall asleep I think about tomorrow. I wonder if anything will change once I'm 16.