Hanging on: The story of my life

Fantasy vs. Reality

Have you ever read books? Seen unicorns or just hoped everything would work out and you would feel happiness? That is a fantasy. Something that is most likely to never happen. My fantasy was for an amazing family who would always be there for me or never let me down. I thought it could happen and you may too but I've got to face it. It's just not the truth. It won't happen. What you've already read in this is only the beginning. Far worse things have happened to me this year. Last summer my dad abandoned me and cheated on my mom. He also did meth which is a very powerful drug. If you've seen depression you don't know it like I do trust me. This drug caused my dad to be violent and mean and he took everything out on my mom and I. He kept putting the thought of everything was my fault into my head. Now I believe everyday that it truly is. Once someone says something to you like that over and over again there's no escape. This abuse kept happening for months. It never stopped. How did I survive? I had my friends. Without them I would have hurt myself. One day I finally said I had enough with my dad. I was done with him. I couldn't handle anymore abuse! Even at school he would send me very mean text messages and I would hold back tears while I was in class. This also happened last year but now I'm talking about this year. I will never forget what he's done. One time he threatened in a joking manner that he would throw the toaster in the bathtub with my mom in it and it could kill her! That's not all he did! He put the hairdryer while it was plugged in into the bathtub with her! If she hadn't jumped out she'd be dead! Doing things like that is unforgivable. He also kept it secret from me for a week that my grandpa died. I didn't find out til my mom told me. That was when I decided I wanted nothing to do with him. I ignored him for a while but out of nowhere at a random time he tried to barge into my life again which happened about 2 months ago. He would always drill into me about my mom and seeing if they would get back together and I couldn't handle it so I kept my distance as much as I could. He was still on drugs then too. My mom finally committed him to get help and he went to a drug treatment center for a month. That whole month I had nightmares and couldn't sleep so I missed a lot of school. The kids at school would judge me for it and that hurt even more. That's when I made a terrible mistake. I slit my wrist. When my dad got back from treatment he raised hell at the house and I was depressed again. All these things caused me to have depression. Sometimes my friends wouldn't have my back so I just stayed alone and was scared to get close to anyone again. I never wanted to be so hurt again ever in my life. I developed social anxiety which is also very bad. I battle with both of these everyday and my only escape is my song writing. It's been my escape since I was 7. Without it I'd be struggling so much. I also have anxiety because I worry about my dad barging in again and that gives me nightmares. My mom put a restraining order on him which kind of helps but worries me. He used to say he doesn't know what he'd do if he lost me so that caused another nightmare. In the nightmare my dad pulled the trigger and said it was my fault. I woke up crying and missed school again. All this depression and worrying makes Christmas feel awful. I don't want anything to do with Christmas and that hurts so much which reminds me I forgot to mention about my dogs. They ran away and have been missing for 2 months and I cry every time I think about them. They were a huge piece of my childhood and now I don't even know if they're alive. So you see this is the reality and no fantasy can fix this as much as I wish it would but I keep dreaming and smiling. Just got to keep my head high.