Ambivalence

Memories

you can't believe that it's turned out this way. that's what you chant, at three o'clock in the morning, on a gloomy sunday, when there's rain pounding on the windows, the tv softly playing in the room opposite to add to the drowning effect -

and you think, when did everything start to fall? you didn't see the way he looked at you, like something had changed - briefly and suddenly, so small that you hadn't even noticed it yet yourself.

and just. you hate it. you hate the way that he looked at you, the way he taunts you, the way that everything has seemed to shatter yet at the same time build itself up in the best way possible.

you think back to how it was before this. before the debut. before the fans. before the ships, before the skinship moments, before the contract was signed that would change your life forever.

and just. you love the boys. your boys. you really do. you may not be the leader (which, given, jaebum is a much better leader than you would've ever been. try as you might, you're not as affectionate, not as dependent, not as helpful to the other members as you could've - should've been), but you try, and they all know that.

(sometimes you wonder if they need you in the group at all).

you shake your head, soft tufts of straight, dyed bleach blonde hair falling into your eyes. your body is aching, your heart pounding, and if he wasn't here to keep you steady, then you know that you would've been lost a while ago, completely gone from reality.

while he keeps you steady, he also keeps you unbalanced. on your toes. he may not be the most wild and courageous person ever, but he keeps you where you need to be - something that even you yourself aren't exactly sure of nowadays.

he keeps you locked to actuality, whenever and wherever that might be - at the dorm, at the studio, wherever the hell life decides to drag and carry you to.

and it's just. he's always there. he's a constant in your life that you've had since the groups debuting days, and even before that. you trained together, worked hard together, ate well together whenever possible.

you know each other's families, of school and accomplishments. of friends that were, of passions and dreams that may or may not still exist, of likings and dislikings - there is not one thing that you can think of that you don't know about each other.

keeping that in mind, it's strange how much you're aware of this enigma of a person. he's so different from you, such an opposite that it's a shock that you two became such good friends in the first place.

he's so quiet, yet his presence is loud. if there's one thing that mark is it's contradictory, yet you find that you don't mind at all. this piece of information is what makes mark mark, your best friend, your ally in the group.

the one person that you can always rely on, no matter what.

so when he cradles you in his arms, the feeling shaky and unkempt, you can't help but look into his eyes - those perfect, dark clouded eyes that don't shine nearly as much as they used to.

(you deserve the world, you want to say. but i already have you, is his unspoken reply).

it's not the same thing. you know that this is just in the spur of the moment, that in the morning this will all go back to usual. you'll go back to the studio with the others, go back to playing pretend, go back to being grateful that these opportunities are what you've been given the chance with - which really, you are; eternally grateful for what you've given the chance to do. but