Ambivalence

You Wouldn't Change A Thing

you probably haven't considered the part where this would actually get better, and would drastically change your life for forever. did you consider this? no, you did not.

and it's not like. like you haven't thought about it, you have, but it's like this beaconing of light that just pours itself onto you, onto your existence, something that you've wanted for so long - and you just.

you feel happy.

genuinely, honestly, sincerely happy - and considering that for years you haven't been able to say that, well.

that says a lot, in itself.

~

the group's dynamic isn't the same. hasn't been for months, whether mark was around or not, and you find yourself wondering when everything changed so much with (and without) you noticing, at the same time.

it's kind of like seeing someone that you haven't seen for years. you know their name, their general appearance, maybe you've heard something from someone else pertaining to that person.

but you don't actually know them. you like to think that you do, like to be able to add to the list of the people who know and somewhat care about your existence -

but it's like looking at a blank page, in the end.

like trying to relearn someone that you've never met.

this is the group that you were brought into, and you love them all the same.

no matter what.

~

the public takes the news terribly, as expected. there are multiple theories as to where mark actually is, and what is going to happen to the future of got7, despite the many lies that you've all spitted out in spite of yourself, and in benefit of your company, your career.

the facility has said that he should only be there for a few months, tops - depending on his behavior, his coping skills, his medication, his therapy.

you can't say that you're unhappy with the decision, because no, you're not. you're above the moon that he's there, getting help, and that mark - your mark - will be back to you soon.

but when you're laying there, room pitch black, the covers piled over your head, hugging a pillow so tightly that it feels like your body will cease to the bottom of the earth -

you find yourself only wishing that he was here, beside you.

~

you still remember the day after mark left.

everyone was going on as usual, the laughter and joking going on between members, the loud remarks from the maknaes coursing through the room with the hyungs yells shortly following behind.

none of you were sure of whether to speak about it. about what happened. it was peaceful, a mutual decision made by all of you, you won't deny; but didn't it hurt like hell to have someone so close to you being so far away.

so close yet so far, something that you've always dreaded.

the members had all hugged each other tight the night before, whispering acts of encouragement, promises laced in the comfort of arms, breathing, heart beats of seven.

before the night had ended, mark had pulled you to him, breathing you in like he wouldn't see you for years. and after being with each other for so long, consistently, just a few months away from each other would feel like years, you were sure of it.