Ambivalence

Feeling at Home

you feel at home when you're with him. you know that sounds like an over used, washed out cliche, but you cannot deny the sense of comfort that immediately washes over you whenever he's near. he reminds you of hong kong, something familiar, something that doesn't exactly add up to you, even in your mind, but you have long accepted the fact that not everything 'adds up', or that everything has to 'make sense'.

(lately, nothing has made sense. you decide that this is okay, and move on).

you're staring at the back of his head, his hair up in a tassled mess of red and hair spray - the chemicals obtained in the soft strands mean nothing, as he runs his hands through his hair out of nervous habit, rattling and shaking off the dyed colored annoyance that's been in his eyes for the whole day.

your thoughts as of the past couple of weeks have only happened to be about him. and this is usual, but the sudden feeling of your heart pounding, breath shrinking in the slightest (yet noticeable) way, is not. you're driving yourself insane, going around in circles that you cannot even begin to actually put much thought into.

you've never questioned who you are. you're jackson wang, the funny, athletic, smart, talkative,  cheerful person that you believe yourself to be, and always have been. or well, you thought, anyway. other people would describe you with these adjectives, you know because you've asked them; add 'curious' to that list, as well. there are many things to describe you, things that you were once so sure of, but now the words are daunting on you, shifting your self confidence and self worth to the edge, a feeling that you've heard a lot about, never wanted, but eventually got stuck with, anyway.

the interview then begins, making your mind go from self doubt to self awareness. you're suddenly thinking about how you look, if you're making the right facial expression for the camera, if you're talking loudly enough, being funny enough, being enough of the happy, bubbly side of yourself that the fans are used to knowing. and this is how you genuinely are, most of the time; you just wish that people would see that you too are human, despite being an idol, k-pop star, jackson wang. there's much more to you than that, something that the fans may or may not ever see, and you're not sure which way would be better.

(you wish that they would see that you have emotions and feelings, too. you're not a robot. you're not a porcelain doll set up to be clawed at by the industry. you eventually get worn down just like everyone else does, something that others seem to forget from time to time).

the interviewer suddenly startles you out of your introspection, saying something that you didn't quite catch, and when she calls your name again, restating her question in a more firm tone this time, you feel like your body freezes on impact.

"so, jackson. looks like you've got a new love interest, hm?"

the question is very direct, something that you're not quite expecting. the other members turn to look at you, each giving wide eyed expressions, flickers of different emotions lacing through their eyes as they continue to stare, waiting for an answer. your thoughts are on hyperdrive, and you think that you see a flash of hurt pang in mark's appearance, something that you try your best not to focus on.

the interviewer must be talking about seulgi, a friend of yours that you just so happened to hang out with before this weekend. both of your schedules are usually jam packed, so when the opportunity came up to go be around a friend that you haven't seen in a while - of course you had to take it. you didn't consider the press putting more thought into it than that.

('straight' is also a word that describes you. you think, anyway. with the way that you've been feeling lately, you can't say that the word relates to you in the slightest).