Ambivalence

Tides

you stare at your reflection, looking at the bland way that your hair lays, the soft strands turning into somewhat of a mess, with all of the dying that's been traced throughout it during the last couple of months.

your eyes stick out in an odd angle, the color that laces around the dark, intense pupils being a laxed shade of brown, with none of the usual spark in them as they usually hold.

you've always been in shape, your body well muscled and toned with how many sports and fencing activities you took part in when you were younger. (and take part in even now, also, when you have the time for it. free time doesn't come nearly as often as you would like, but you take what you can get and don't complain out loud nearly as much as you could).

your body doesn't seem as it used to. before you could see the appeal, could see the idea behind why other people would like to look, like to touch at whatever they could get their hands on. you are no saint, but you're definitely not a tease, either. you've been with a few people, all of them girls, but now you're starting to change, something in your mind is shifting, and while you wish you could stop it, you know that that is not how this works.

now as you stand there and scrutinize yourself, it's kind of like looking at a stranger. you don't know how that's possible, you were so sure of yourself just a few days ago - so sure of who you were, and all that.

but then that happened, and everything just kind of... fell off. went disarray. whatever you want to call it.

because now, now when you see yourself you want to hide away, you want to move so that you don't have to see who've become. and you're fine, you really are; you're the same jackson that you used to be, you know that. there's this underlining of doubt that swells deep within yourself, situating itself wherever and whenever it wants.

you don't like it. (i mean, who would?) you've told yourself to get over it, stop being such a cry baby, you're fine as you are. you believe these words, but it doesn't stop the feeling from bursting every once in a while, leaving you in shambles, a mess that you're not quite sure how to get yourself out of, but do, regardless.

you're alone. the other members are out doing god knows what (you were listening, you really were. you could see jaebum's words forming as he spoke, but nothing registers within your mind like it used to. you nod when you see the movement of his lips stop, and respond that you just want to stay at the dorm by yourself. you'll go out with them the next time, you promised).

but now, you wish that you would've gone out with them. being distracted and having some of your favorite people around is something that you should want, something that you do want, but your mind is on autopilot, and according to your brain, you want time alone.

you hear your phone ping in the background, somewhere inbetween the couch and the side table in the living room. you walk quickly over to it, careful not to make a sound. you're the only one at the dorm, yes, but the silence is too loud, too unusual, and you want something around to keep you grounded.

you see a text from mark, the letters blurring on the screen for a moment before your eyes focus. it reads that he won't be home tonight, and you don't read any further on from there. you already know what the rest of it says.

you respond with a simple 'okay', and hope that he makes it home safe the next morning.

~

he does.

somewhat.

he's still wobbly on his feet, his balance uncoordinated (even for his sober standards, which is saying something), his eyes glazed over, a slight tipsy yet appearingly happy smile on his face, and you want to say something, you really do, but. it's mark. he'll come to you if he's having issues, you're sure of it.