Mermaid, Me

Chapter 2: Love Triangle?

Chapter 2: Memoirs of a Tgirl

"I'm a straight female, and I found your essay quite touching and thought-provoking. You see, I've found that my boyfriend seems to have a thing for Tgirls."  So writes Bev in one of the countless responses I've gotten to the first chapter of "Mermaid, Me."

"How did you find out?"

"Wow, Joy, never in a million years did I expect to get a response from you!... Well, to answer your question, I discovered porn sites that he visits."  Bev is close to tears.

"I was incredibly hurt and shocked and  confused when I discovered this," she continues. "I asked him why? Was he gay? And to  quote your very question to your readers: 'Why in the world are we shemales, or T-girls, such a turn on? Why? I want to know.'"

Soon Bev and I are instant-messaging, texting, even chatting on the phone.  

"He could never give me an answer," she says. "Then again, he has serious issues with lying and honesty. It hurts so much. I just wish I knew why. And why does he choose to be with me?"

What do I say?  How do I help?

"I'm just so, so thankful you are able to spare the time to relay any insights.... I still wonder if my boyfriend is really straight. God, I wish I understood what he was about. Because he is unwilling to be honest about his thoughts and desires, I'm left to come up with wild guesses of my own about why he's interested in Tgirls....

"And I hate the way I resent him for it and lash out at him for my ignorance. I also have a friend who feels  he was meant to be a woman and is currently on estrogen treatments. I accepted it and didn't really think much of it, except for sympathy for him  having to hide this 'secret' from everyone around him...until now when I begin to think my boyfriend would be turned on by all this!"

"Yes, we all have secrets," I suggest, lamely but helpfully (I hope).

"It's just so hard for me to accept that my boyfriend is interested in transsexuals!"  

"Maybe if you and I could trade places!" I laugh. "That would be fun, at least for me! To be a real girl, at last!  And you might gain some insights into my  weird -- there's no other word for it! -- condition and life and therefore what's going on in your boyfriend's head."  

I have so many responses to my "Why, Oh Why" question from guys attracted to girls like me, trying to explain their fascination. But none of them really satisfies my intellectual curiosity. I think there's so much more to their attraction than they -- even the most introspective -- are willing  to deal with.  

"My easy guess," I offer Bev, "is that, yes, girls like me are a way to 'legitimize' certain homosexual urges. But these guys are not at all gay in the classic sense of the word. If I looked like a guy, they'd be totally uninterested!"

"Sounds like my boyfriend maybe."

"And real gay guys are not at all attracted to me. They don't even like to be around me.  They like men, real men!"

"So I don't need to wear a strap-on dildo to excite my boyfriend!" Bev is laughing now.  "That's a relief!" 

"Guys who like me LOVE women! That's the one constant. In fact, some of  these guys tell me that the real problem with real women is that they take their femininity too much for granted. Whereas a girl like me, not blessed as a girl at birth, must work really hard and always be on stage, as it  were, trying as hard as she can to please and be sexy and be attractive."

I can tell from her pictures that Bev can be a real hottie. But maybe, like a lot of attractive women, she takes for granted her boyfriend's affections and desire and so sees no need to be sexily on-stage all the time.  No makeup, baggy clothes...you know. 

"Believe it or not,"  I share my suspicions, "some trannychasers love women so much they probably want to be women themselves. To become what they most desire. So they're attracted to me just to see what it would be like for a man to become a woman."

"Fascinating!"

"I know that before I fully admitted I was a transsexual and acted on it, I found myself attracted to tgirls myself! But now all I  want are straight men, to confirm that I'm a girl!    

"Joy, you're wonderful!  That really helps!"

"Or maybe it just leaves you even more puzzled than before. Confused just like me!"  

"Here's an idea!" I exclaim. "It might be fun.  So much fun!  Somehow get your boyfriend to read my  essay and then respond to it. Don't tell him, of course, that  you and I have already spoken. Then I'll share with you whatever he's told me! Teehee."

"I love your idea!" Bev blurts out, then reflects: "But he's so sneaky, we might not know it's him....he'll use another email address or something.  But I shall give it a try. Perhaps you will get another response that will be helpful for your book research, and perhaps I could finally get some peace and  resolution!  Ah, if only life were that simple, ay?"

So I'm on the lookout for someone real-named Todd, 32 years old, from Short Hills, New Jersey.  But here's the best part:

"Geez," says Bev, "I just realized, only a fellow gal would try to help out another girl like this, huh? I've noticed guys will cover for just about anything to protect their buddies... even if they know a girl or anyone else is getting hurt in the process! *sigh*"

Fellow gal!  I love it.  For a girl like me, there's no higher compliment!  

And, yes, a regular girl like Bev could learn a thing or two from a special girl like me. (I'm usually the one doing the learning. It's so hard to learn to be a girl.) 

And more: I see an incredibly intense Ménage à Trois happening!

Bev (the self-described "run-of-the-mill straight girl"), her boyfriend Todd, and shemale moi!