Empire of Deception (Harry Styles AU)

Chapter 27

I can't sleep. I toss and turn, fighting off nightmares of Niall's face as he realized he was going to die. My hands feel wet with his blood and I see the horrified look on Mia's face as I crumbled to my knees, clutching the last bit of his life in my arms. "Murderer!" Madison screams and I jolt awake. A fine layer of sweat has collected all over my body and I throw off the covers. I bring my pillow to my face before screaming into it. The cry is muffled but the vibrations tickle my ears.

In slow motion I roll of the bed before sinking into a sitting position. I wipe away warm tears which fall by my face and I beg them to stop. I can't take it anymore.

I feel so alone. So trapped and so confused. There is a battle going on in my mind between the person I used to be and the person who I am now. I don't know and I can't trust either one and it is driving me absolutely insane. Harry Styles. Son of Des Styles. That was who I was. Someone who never questioned the system because I believed in it. Someone who had a bright future ahead of him and someone who was respected. Someone filled with coldness and darkness because of the world I grew up in. I held no empathy. And I was okay with that. Fast forward to the person I was for a little while. I was a friend. Someone who was warming up again to the idea of humanity. And then it happened. And now I am dazed, confused, and utterly broken beyond repair. My soul is being ripped apart by two forces that I can't see, hear, or even understand and I can feel every muscle connection breaking. It fucking hurts. I clutch my chest and my breathing shallows and soon I am grasping for air. I am trapped in my own prison and there is no key to get out. The guilt that wrecks me won't go away even though I saved the life of my best friend and the love of his life as well as gained justice for Louis. Surely in God's eyes what I did was justified, even if it was barely passed by the legal system. I suppose I have Alexander Jarwin to thank for not being in an actual prison right now.

My mind wanders to Madison. Beautiful and pure. Do I want to infect her with my poison? With the dark deeds of my past? The drugs, the soul searching, the money and the greed that drove me to hunger for success? For respect? For power? Or do I want to confide in her the part of my life after I discovered who I was. Or perhaps the person I became once I got over my own pride and started helping Zayn. Or perhaps she should know about just how deep my sorrow goes and how everything is driving me to the brink of nothing. She doesn't know the half of it and she shouldn't. I know she would leave me. She begs me to leave Bolton and leave everything behind but she doesn't understand that I can't. I am bound by not only typed words and signatures, but also my very DNA. This is all I know and it is wired within me. If I were to leave I surely would turn into dust. Even then I don't think I could do it... Start over again. I know too much and have seen too many things and as much as I hate to admit it, minus the Project I don't even really mind being the Director of Finance for my father's company. It makes me feel needed and important and I get to put skills to use that would otherwise go unnoticed and unused. The guilt that I feel stepping into the facility every morning is enough to get me to keel over, but every day the darkness gets lighter and I can stand up a little straighter. Until the night comes again and decides that it is stronger than the sun. The night sucks away any warmth and growth from the passing day and only makes the darkness in my mind bigger than ever before. And it is happening right now.

I manage to get the strength to stand up and the floor is cold as I walk across the room, searching for the liquid that will soothe me. The glass clinks as the tip of the bottle hits it and fills it. As I bring it to my lips, I feel numbness that trickles back in like a creek melting after a hard winter. I welcome it for I know that the pain should subside soon after.

***

As I walk into Bolton I feel like people can literally see me slowly deteriorating. They don't step out of the way when I walk towards them, and they don't nod in acknowledgement. They know that I haven't been the same since I came back from the trials and it bothers me because I feel like I am losing control over one of the very few things that were constant. I was Des' son. Everyone else is below me and should treat me like I was actually someone more important than them. Looking at it now I feel like a pretentious dick. Despite this acknowledgement the thought still nags at me as I ride up the lift. Balance needs to be restored in Bolton and it needs to be restored fast. If an authority figure like myself loses the respect and status from the people around me, it is only a matter of time before people start picking apart bigger authority figures. That would be chaos.