2 Months later.
I was early, as usual, because timing is everything . Though, it did have its downfalls, my arriving at 2:30. The secretary always gives me the same strange look, not even trying to hide the judgement in her voice when she says " You know that you're an hour early," I guess it seems odd to the secretary as to why I show up, sit down and wait, for exactly 60 minutes, every Tuesday. You would think she would be used to it, seeing as it's my 3rd meeting and shes always the only secretary there. Georgina.
" Always punctual are we, Marisa " says my therapist Dr. Jody as she with a smile as she strides in through the buildings double doors, I never have to look to know it's her, as she is the only one here that makes that tapping sound as she walks in her 6 inch heels, plus, she's often 10 minutes late so I've timed her arrival to be precisely at 3:40. Instead of leading me into her office, she stops in front of Georgina's glass window and whispers, though,loud enough for me to here what she's saying,
" she came early again didn't she? " Georgina nods and resumes her secretary duties on her desktop and in response she sighs right before turning towards me and puts on her fake smile,
" are we ready to begin? " I return the smile and nod and follow her into her office. Turning the corner, 3 doors down.
*
" I hope you weren't bored out there " she said smiling for a split second.
It doesn't get boring, it gives me time to think about things.
" it doesn't get boring " I reply keeping a straight face,
" you like coming early, huh?"
I show up early because I never want to be late again, not especially after what happened. I can never be late again.
" yea " is all I say. There was a few seconds where it was just awkward silence, i shifted uncomfortably in my seat. I wish she wouldnt look at me like that. Like i was on trial.
"So do you want to tell me what you were thinking about while waiting"
I was thinking about how rude that secretary is, like shoudltn she have a bed side matter concidering where she works
" My dad " I said surprising the both of us, i kept my head down, because i could feel my eyes burn just at the thought of him
"would you like to talk about him some more" I looekd up to see her sympathetic smile, and the kindness in her eyes made me slightly less emabrrest.
" I lost it on my sister when she mentioned him, " My tone angrier than i wanted
" The fact that she feels entitled to bring him when she knows itll hurt me, and call him father, hes my dad, i grew up with him, i lived with him and cooked for two after my mother- " I was full on sobbing now, i didint bother trying to hold it in, i though if i tried id most likely fail.
she stood up to grab a box of tissues from the coffee table behind her, and handed it to me
" You're father meant alot to you, so its only a normal reaction to feel hurt when someone uses that in a negative situation, " She spoke softly, and i wondered if she always spoke that way.
I grabbed a tissue planning to blow my nose but felt too uncomfortable to do so infront of her.
"I just hate that i get this way, i should be able to control myself at this point, its been a year and still at the mention of his name I loose all control. "I stared down at my yellow converse, it was getting harder to look at her.
" There is nothing wrong with being sad, allowing yourself to be sad will help you to move on"
There was a pause after that. I picked at the crumpled kleenex in my hands, something to distract me from this anxious feeling I got everytime she waited quitly. I looked up to see her big green eyes making contact with mine. Which didnt help. I sat there in silence and replayed what just happened, the crying... god i must be red all over. the more the i thought, the more mortified i got.
" Well, I think we made excellent progress, its not easy dealing with emotions, especially infront of someone else. " She said, like she had read my mind.
As i walked out the building a gush of cold winter air breezed past my face and i could feel my stomach settle for the first time.
