Frail | ✓

F L A K E

[ not for the frail of hearts ]

The fairy lights looked like stars on Earth- twinkling and beautiful. She could almost breathe Christmas as she took strides in the neighborhood, something that had become a part of her routine on Christmas Eves. Madeline adored Christmas and for her, Christmas was the start of a New Year and not the first morning of January. There was nothing as hopeful and joyous as the Feast of Lights.

All of her anxiety and depression lulled down to zero during this time of the year when she could calmly sit by the window and stare outside at the falling flakes with a pot of hot chocolate as a treaty delight. There was nothing as soothing as that and she made a mental note to make hot chocolate for herself once she was back home. There was just something about Christmas.

She looked at the little kids of the neighborhood gathering together to build a snowman, and their mothers somewhere around them gossiping all the while keeping an eye on their little ones. Her little brother and mother were there too, she looked at her mother who was giggling with her friends. She turned away before her eyes fell on Madeline and started walking again realizing that she had stopped.

Years of depression had perfected Madeline in the art of pushing people away, be it anyone. It was always one step back and overtime she had gone so back that she had completely drowned in her past. Now, getting away from everyone was more of a reflex action than a thoughtful decision.

Not a day went by when she did not think of those times that made her like this, that got her depression and a series of regular appointments in a therapist's office. The pills did not really help; they had their side effects and were simply a menace and nothing else.

She knew only she could cure herself- by accepting what happened and then accepting herself. But it was not so easy, not when all she could think of while being alone was how she was touched when she was a little girl.

When Madeline was of the age when girls obsessed over Disney Princesses, she was being physically abused, and she did not even realize it. The sad thing about the innocence of a child is that anyone can take advantage of it, and that's what her abuser did.

Plus, when it came to Madeline, she was first naïve, then innocent- and while she was not naive anymore (due to her circumstances) she was still very-very innocent and when you are almost an adult and still very innocent like a child, you sometimes grow into an irrational person. That's what happened with her.

Madeline did not realize what was happening to her when she was six, she thought it was a game- a secret game; that's what her teacher had told her, but it stayed in the back of her mind, always, even when at six years old she had to change cities because her parents separated and her mom decided to move.

Gradually, when she started watching more of TV (despite her mother's protests), she was exposed to sexual scenes and while they wouldn't exactly ring a bell, they would send triggers to her brain. Slowly, as time passed by, while she started hitting puberty and sex educations were given in the school she had started realizing what had happened.

And in eighth grade when there was a documentary up on the TV on Physical abuse, she was sure about it. Till date, Madeline had never spoken out loud in words, not to her councilor, not to herself. The only proof were her traumatizing words recorded in her journal.

Sometimes it was necessary to speak, because if you didn't, unsaid words would weigh down and burden your heart slowly and steadily, shrinking its capacity to feel anything. Ultimately, making it numb.

But, Madeline was tired- tired of feeling this way. It was not a good life if you didn't enjoy it, if you didn't feel, if you didn't love.

Yesterday, when Tony Cooper kneeled down in front of his girlfriend in disguise of Santa (because it was his girlfriend's fantasy), Madeline felt butterflies in her stomach. She couldn't even imagine how the girl must be feeling.

Today, when she saw friends meeting up to celebrate the night before Christmas- having fun and lurking, she felt a weird sense of excitement. She wanted to celebrate Christmas like that with her friends too.

When she was home and preparing hot chocolate for herself, she saw her little brother and mother sitting on the couch watching a Disney movie. Her brother's head lay on her mother's lap while she embraced him. Madeline wanted to be like that with her mother too.

Madeline went to her room and sat on the window, with an open book on her lap and a mug of hot chocolate in her hands. She looked outside, everything was bright and shiny. Everything and everyone looked happy. Time flew by and she kept sitting there, kept looking outside at the falling snow and kept thinking about happiness.

And before she knew it, hours had passed by and her cell phone let out a sound of bells- her alarm for twelve in the morning. It was Christmas.

She knew that she had waited too long, she knew that it was time. So, Madeline decided that she was going to be happy today. She decided she was going to be like Christmas, bright and jolly. She decided that her past was gone and that she couldn't hold on to it anymore and so she was going to let it go.

She decided that she was going to make up for the lost years. Madeline decided that she wasn't going to be happy only today, but every day from today.

"Merry Christmas." She whispered to herself smiling, "And a happy new year."

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