Not On Fire (Phan AU)

11 | two faces

Dan has been semi-seriously burned twice in his whole life.

                The first time happened when he was young and he had a sparkler in his hand. At first, he was entranced by the sparks that it emitted and when it was so far away, it didn't hurt, so he didn't think about it when he dropped his arm and let it rest by his side. He can't remember why he did this when he found the sparkler so interesting in the first place, but he can remember the pain, the sparks that once gave him amusement now attacking back. However, he had survived with just a few burns, ones that could be treated at home with ointment, so he felt powerful and in control. It was the spark that started it all.

                The second time happened not too long ago when he first set something big on fire. Once again he had become entranced by the flickers of yellow and orange, the dancing flames that engulfed a place whole, that he hadn't thought to step back. At first, he felt the sweltering heat, but then the fire spread, jumping and reaching towards him. It only licked his arm before he ran until he was a safe distance away, but it had hurt for days after, and they didn't have any ointment to put on it, so he just hoped it would be okay. And it had been. It healed on its own, and he was able to wear long sleeves until then.

                But he has burned others many times, hurt feelings in ways that could never fully heal, and sometimes, he thinks that he's done this to his parents and everyone who has ever gotten close enough to him to know something about him. So even if he doesn't particularly like Phil (or even if he's not ready to admit that Phil's a good person and would make a good friend) he doesn't want to add him to the list of things he's burned, ruined, destroyed, and in the process, he hopes that he'll stop hurting Louise, too.

                This morning he gets up early and doesn't make an attempt to be as late as possible. In fact, he's up before his alarm clock goes off and his mother doesn't have to bang on his door to get him up. He grabs a random pair of black skinny jeans from his closest, puts on his favorite gray shirt and slips on his shoes before stepping outside of his room. He straightens his hair without his mom walking past and finishes getting ready before he'd usually be up.

                His mom's jaw drops when she sees him in the kitchen, her eyes wide. She quickly covers up her surprise, but her eyes follow him when he moves to go get a glass of water. He would ask her why, but he knows the answer before the question even presents itself in his mind. He wakes up late, gets to school late, and generally does everything late most days. In fact, this whole thing is surprising to even him and he's the one who is doing it.

                He hesitantly grabs a glass and fill it up with water, feels her eyes on him with every move and itches to tell her that this isn't the first time he's ever woke up early, but keeps his mouth shut instead. His parents have walked on broken glass around him for too long, and while that doesn't mean he's going to completely change—for one thing, he's not going to buddy up to them and act like they're best friends and tell them everything—he does want to have a somewhat relaxed and normal relationship with them (whatever that means).

                He knows he's not going to be that good at it, and this isn't the first time he's decided he was going to make a change either. However, this is the first time he's actually felt like doing it. Before, his decision had come out of another one of Louise's lectures and he had done it because he felt like he needed to in order to make Louise happy, but now, it's about him and a little bit of Louise.

                 His shoes squeak on the ground, breaking the silence and shattering it into a million pieces. In his mind, there's glass on the floor now, remnants of the quiet that was once in the room, and if he had to guess what his parents normally feel like whenever they're around him, this would be it. His steps are slow and less sure, which is something he's not used to because he's usually sure of himself, confident in what he does even when he knows he's destructive. In fact, the only thing he's ever been unsure of his taking control of his life; he's fine being in charge when it comes to anything else, but whenever it comes down to power over his life, he always passes it over to Louise, letting her tell him to do whatever she feels is "right." But now, he's two seconds from shutting down just because of the sound of his shoes.