A lot can happen in just a week. So many thoughts that you can think. Lots if memories shared. So much time lost for nothing, spent in dreamless sleeps. Nightmares remembered. Laughs to be heard. Cries out to loved ones who were lost at war or in other mysterious, tragic ways. A week spent watching tv, listening to music, and traveling people. A week of screams in the middle of the night because something was stirring in the dark of the night.
So many things can happen in a week...
Businesses fail. Friendships fall. Minds lost. Hearts broken. The sick healed. The healthy becoming sick. Hair lost. People becoming older each day of that week. But for me, my week was spent in pure agony, complete torture. All I can think is nothing. I can't day dream about people because I don't know any one except Josh. I can't look back on my memories because I don't have anything to remember. I haven't been out of the house since I first walked into it from when I left the hospital because people will probably judge me and think I have a kindergarten education because I can't remember anything. It's so frustrating that I want to punch something, someone, anyone. I can't eat, well not properly anyway. I can't intake water because of how depressed I've gotten I feel I might choke on the water. I can feel the weights on my shoulder, mind, eyes, and feet become heavier every day.
Please can someone make this end?
I toss and turn each night only to just get up and watch some stupid reality show on tv. I need help I know that but I don't want to admit it. I'm getting weaker with each and every day. I can feel myself dying slowly. Josh tells me that I should go out on a walk with him, but I can't bring myself to, I'm not motivated at all. He asks me every day if I want a sandwich or a glass of water but I decline so he shoves a carrot in my face and tells me to eat it. I do eat what he forcefully shoves into my face to make him happy. Every time he looks at me I can see the hurt behind his eyes.
"Fay.." Josh interrupts my thoughts, clears his throat, and sits next to me on the couch, "please eat something, I-I made you you a smoothie, please take it, and t-this time I won't take no for an answer" the words that stutter out of his mouth pierce my heart and I end up nodding after a moment of thought.
I hear him mutter a thank you under his breath after I nod. After a couple of minutes he walks into the living room with a sandwich in a napkin and a smoothie in a plastic cup with a straw.
"Fay, maybe, would you like to go on a walk with me but this time I'll push you in a wheel chair so you don't have to walk because I know you feel really weak. If you aren't up to it I underst-" before he could finish his sentence I nodded with a slight smile. He looked so determined to make me better that I couldn't keep putting him off watching him suffer silently, while I slowly kill myself. His face lit up like a Christmas tree and I couldn't help the small laugh that escaped my lips. He took my hand in his and before I could reject anything he kissed my knuckles and whispered "you won't regret this!" And ran out of the room. I took a tiny sip of my smoothie and fought back the urge of gagging it back up.
Even though the old me apparently has known him some what of all my life and I have only known him for a week, but even I can only take watching someone suffer because someone else is for a short amount of time.
Josh returns with a wheelchair in hand and walked out the door. I heard the tail gate open, then the sliding of the wheelchair going into the bed of the truck, followed by the closing of the tail gate. I started to stand up while reaching for my crutches before grabbing them. Once Josh came back in he looks at me in disbelief, "I was going to help you up,"
"No," I laughed slightly, "but could you get my sandwich and smoothie," he smiled grabbing my food and followed me out the front door then locking it behind him. He handed me my food once I was comfortably in the truck. I smiled up at him apologetically for being such a pest. He waved me off like it was nothing but I know it is.
Once we reached the park he helped me out of the truck with gentle hands and then got my wheelchair. Then we set out for the parks trail.
"You know Fay, you don't have to be sorry," I kept looking forward with a heavy heart.
"I don't mind doing this for you I actually enjoy taking care of you," I can hear the ends of his mouth curl up and I could feel him staring down on top of my head.
"Josh, I-I don't want to be here anymore.." I say with my head held low. I could feel my skin becoming paler with each and every passing minute.
"Oh okay we can leave," his voice was laced with disappointment. I placed my hands on the tires which probably wasn't a smart idea because it left a little burning sensation on the palm of my hands. I almost missed it but Josh's breathing stopped when he saw my actions.
"I didn't mean here Josh, I meant earth," taking a long dragged breath I spoke again, "I don't want to be alive it's getting harder for me everyday I can't sleep anymore. I can't eat or hardly drink, I'm living off sips of water and the occasional baby carrot. It's not good for me or for you. I see you struggling watching me and even though I've known you for a week it still hurts to see you hurting. What's earth without one less of a person right? It still turns, people will still carry on with their lives."
"You're wrong! Okay, Fay I know you're hurting but you've gotta try. You can't give up. It's more like what's earth with out an angle?" I could feel the tears pricking at my eyes and filling my water line making it hard to see, but through my tears I can see a tear roll down his cheek and through this he kept staring straight into my soul. "If you don't have a reason to live let me be your reason. Let me help you. Will you let me help you? Fay I don't want to loose you, I can't loose you. You may not know everything about me but I have been there for you for so many heart wrenching times. Please, let me help you?" He begged me. I nodded vigorously letting all the tears I struggled to hold back fall. I stood up from my wheechair and lunged myself into his arms letting myself crumble into his tight hold onto me as if I was going to let go and walk away like it was all just a joke. He pulled back from our embrace and placed his forehead onto mine, reaching up and wiping away the tears that were still flowing out of my eyes.
"I've missed you so much, Fay" he whispered.
