See No Evil [Original Version]

Journal: Insomniac

AN: Journals that take you into the mind of the characters and their written thoughts throughout the story - I had forgotten to upload these for you guys. My apologies & enjoy! Merry Christmas to my wonderful readers.

July 26, 2013

3:30 AM

I've been awake for three days straight.

Three agonizing motherfucking days.
Of course my body has without a doubt gone further than usual without the slightest increments of sleep.

Deprivation and insomnia, I had been all too familiar with.
It's currently what superstitious souls would call the "peak" of the witching hour.

This is the exact time that my medication fails to work, every single prescription is useless. My mind is robbed of little shred of silence that it can find. The voices plague my every thought, Zane eats at the solitude I escape to in my psyche. Feeding off every moment of lamentation.

I find myself playing Russian Roulette alone, staring at the branding between my thumb and pointer finger. 

Moments like these is where I encourage no one to be near me, my hellish instincts take over and I have little to no control over them.
I see contorted faces in the shadowy corners of my bedroom where the moonlight fails to grace.
I'm fucking insane. I slowly have come to terms with this. 

As a child, I was afraid but as a grown man I've found a bit of solace.
They became my friends. 

However, I get aggravated by their presence as if they were as real as Zane himself. Everything I experienced was assumed to be illusion or delusion. By doctors I had been diagnosed with night terrors, psychosis but I KNOW better. 

My thoughts are racing as fast as my heart and it's hard for my brain to keep up with my hand. I struggle to write and describe exactly what I see in my daily life.
What I see before I shut my eyes at night.
Sometimes, I wish I could blind myself but that wouldn't be an escape from the voices.
With pure concentration, I can move objects. Manipulate any shadow. But I still attempt to convince the world that I am ordinary. 

As we speak, I can hear Zane's laughter. He feeds off my torment, but he claims that he's my protector and I am his. I am his "host" and he is just another part of my soul.
Telling him to shut his goddamn mouth doesn't exactly work anymore. He finally has the upper hand.
He has power to wipe my memory, to erase what he pleases from my mind. He's admitted to this plenty times.

Rambling on and on about what he can, or cannot do.

Right now, I can't even be annoyed.
I sit here in the corner of my bedroom observing my familiar surroundings while observing the night's changes.

While processing the fact I may be a father...I've had recurring dreams about a baby boy who's eyes resemble my mother's. 

In another part of my dream, the infants cries resembled a bellowing voice similar to the dragon and was surrounded by flames.

I had no idea what this meant but apparently to my so called "friend" and brother. This was comical.
I just pray that if I have a son, he's as normal as he possibly could be.
I wouldn't even wish this on my enemies. If people knew of this inner battle I fight every day they'd use it against me.

The women in my life especially....

In the midst of this I still can't stop myself from having the most impure thoughts of , but I do admit the feeling I get is one greater than lust.

I'll close this entry by saying,

Not everything is what it appears. But you'll still fear what you do not understand won't you?
It is human nature. Haha.

Peace,

Xae.