Gray Skies

Chapter Thirty-One: Good and Evil

Chapter Thirty-One: Good and Evil

                Matthew stepped from the hotel and looked up and down the muddy street. It seemed fitting somehow that it had begun raining after Jessica had left the day before and the rain had only just let up moments ago. After a full night of rain the streets were a mess and as he crossed the road to the livery it only took moments for Matthew to have mud splattered up to his knees.

                He owed both the mercantile and the saloon money now but they had agreed to let him wire them their payment once he reached home, because home was where he was going. He had to go back to the cabin he’d shared with his family. Matthew had a lot to come to terms with and work his way through and he wanted to do that in the place where his monster had been created.       

                That’s what he was calling what he had been before the accident. A monster. He was unwilling to say it was the man he was now that had done those things because it wasn’t. Matthew would never murder a man, Indian or white, in cold blood. Matthew would never lay an angry hand on his sister, or any woman for that matter and Matthew would never drag another person down just to make himself feel stronger.

                No, it had been a monster that had done those things but Matthew knew that monster still lived inside of him somewhere and it terrified him that the monster might once again surface.

                That was why he was leaving Jessica with her father. He loved her with all his heart but he needed to make sure he could control his demons before he tried to build a life with her. She was a good woman and if he failed and once again became the monster then he didn’t want Jessica becoming his victim.

                Matthew readied his horse with a heavy heart. He had wanted to end his life but after Jessica’s pleas with him he had known that he couldn’t. He could not be that selfish. He had taken a man’s life and so it was his duty to spend the rest of his life trying to make amends for that and do all the good he could. He had to do something to even the scales though he knew not what he could possibly do to get that done.

                He led his horse into the daylight, glanced up at the cloud covered sky. This was going to be a hard goodbye. He had to go back by Fred’s place and ask to borrow the horse with the promise to send money for it and his hospitality once he returned home….. and he had to say goodbye to Jessica.

                He wasn’t quite sure how he was going to do that and he wasn’t sure what he was going to say. He wanted her to wait on him but knew he couldn’t ask her to. She was a beautiful, vibrant, intelligent woman and deserved a good man—there was a real good chance that Matthew would never be that.

                The long ride to Fred’s house flew by because Matthew was dreading his task so badly. He saw Fred on the porch and the man stood as Matthew dismounted, held the reins in his hand and approached, “Hello, sir.”

                “Hello, Matthew,” Fred’s eyes were looking him up and down with a disapproval that was like a punch to Matthew’s gut. “I think it’d be best if you just got along now before Jessica realizes you’re here. I’d just as soon my daughter had nothing more to do with you.”