Undying Passion

Fears

I just wanted to wash away everything that happened. I scrubbed and scrubbed but the shadow of what happened yesterday still loomed over my head like a dark cloud.

I was so embarrassed to even show my face at work. Maggie was right. How am I even supposed to have a relationship with this guy? He's my boss for Christ's sake, he clearly hates people, and hates the world for that matter.

I have the worst luck with men.

My last boyfriend, Matt, was my first ever boyfriend. Yeah yeah I had my first boyfriend at 18.

I lost my virginity to him and then he cheated on me and left me crying my eyes out. From then on, I looked at men differently. It seemed as if all they wanted from women was sex.

No one wants a relationship anymore, no one cares about bonding and starting families. This world is fueled by sex crazed men and women.

Granted, I couldn't even look at my parents' relationship for advice. They didn't even have a relationship. I don't remember the last time my mom and dad hugged, or told each other that they loved one other.

I don't remember the last time my mom left her house to go socialize. My mom was miserable and my dad was in prison and still is.

My brother John has been in the Middle East for over 3 years now and every time he comes back home he goes to Minnesota to see his girlfriend.

I barely know my own brother, I have no one. I don't have anyone in this world to keep me sane. I only have Maggie, and she probably hates me now.

My biggest fear in life is to be hurt by the one I love the most. I'm scared that if I trust someone, they'll just use it against me and I'll end up being alone and miserable like my mom.

As I walked into my office, I immediately buried myself in my work. I didn't even want to stop by Ryan's office to say good morning because I was so embarrassed.

At around 1 in the afternoon I received a knock on my office door.

"Come in" I chirped.

Ryan walked into the office and sat down in front of me.

We just stared at each other for a good 2 minutes.

"Good afternoon" he said rudely with a hint of humor in his tone.

I smiled "good afternoon. Nice weather we're having right?"

He shook his head and from the corner of my eye I saw a small smile playing on his lips.

"Your roommate seems very...assertive" he said.

"Oh yes she is. I managed to have my first fight with her because of her assertiveness" I drowned.

He sat up straighter in his chair and straightened his collar "how come?"

I looked at him and folded my arms on the desk. "She thinks you're no good for me, and I wasn't having any of it. What happened yesterday meant nothing. You're way out of my league and I'm well aware of that. It was just spur of the moment"

He swallowed and nodded while pursing his lips "well first, I would like to say that in no way shape or form am I out of your league, and  secondly, you have no way of assessing my feelings for or about you. Have a good day Maddie" he stood up and left briskly.

Did I just...hurt his feelings? I have never been more confused. He actually seemed hurt at my comment. I thought he'd agree with what I said.

"Ryan" I said as I knocked on his office door 30 minutes later. There was no response. I knocked again and opened the door to see a lady sitting on his desk in front of him with her skirt halfway up her thighs.

My eyes widened and almost fell out of my head. Ryan quickly stood up and was about to say something but before he could, I slammed the door in his face and went back to my office.

First of all, this was completely inappropriate, for a man of his power and societal ranking to be fooling around in his office was absurd.

Why should I care? We're not dating, we're not married. This isn't my problem and shouldn't be. I tried pushing the thought of him kissing another girl away and out of my head for good but when the thoughts came back, they made me want to physically vomit.