Lean in | Phan

Chapter 3 - Inner thoughts

AUTHOR'S NOTE

Okay this one's gonna be a bit different, I'm going to write exactly what both of them were thinking after the messages in the last chapter. Enjoy :)

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DAN:

What the actual fuck. Phil cuts himself?! Phil, out of all people, the happiest, friendliest guy I know cuts himself?! I knew he was sensitive from the start, but I didn't think the note would send him over the edge. Self harm is a big ass deal, and Phil needs help. No, he needs my help. I am determined to help him through whatever shit he's going through, after all, I love him. What the fuck, Dan? I meant it as a friend. Right? Wait. Do I love Phil Lester? No, tits. Tits, tits, tits. Yum vagina. Nope, holy shit. I'm gay, or at least bi. Phil is the one I want to be with. I hope he didn't notice me backspace some of my message, I was about to tell him I loved him but re-evaluated and told him I worry. Which I do, but, you know. Love.

Thinking about Phil this way is so new. I can see him in a different perspective, admire him more. I did always find his ocean-blue eyes slightly hypnotic. When he flicks his fringe, damn. And that smile... Whenever he smiled, it gave me an excuse to look at his lips. He also sticks his tongue out when he smiles, allowing me to enjoy that, as well. Too much, Dan.

Now how do I act around him? I mean, he doesn't really talk about his love life, but, taking into account how cute he is, he's got to have someone on the go, right? I'm not even sure he's bi or gay, so flirting with him would be wrong and pointless. But now I feel like I've forgotten how I acted before I had this epiphany, and now everything feels so unnatural. I think the only thing I can do is act as casual as possible, despite the way it made me feel when he dabbed my sore face with that tissue.

PHIL: 

I can't believe Dan found out. I intended to let them fade and if he noticed tell him it was years ago, but apparently that's not how life works. He assumes it's just because of the death note (aayyy) we received yesterday, but that was just the breaking point.

Things were complete shit at home; my sister is staying at a friend's every day until I get home so I can protect her from our dad. Bruises were another thing I had to hide with sleeves before I even went for the razor, caused by his violence and stupidity. Sky (my sister) has also suffered her share of abuse, when dad managed to swing a punch past me and hit her. I want her to be protected more than anyone in the world, she was a little star. A 14 year old with the mental capability of someone aged 25. She understood when I told her not to tell anyone, to cover the bruises. This wouldn't have been encouraged unless father dearest hadn't of told us that if anyone found out he'd give us a bruise that would last forever.

So, obviously, Dan doesn't know about that one either. Dan. The only person I would ever even consider trusting. He seemed to read me like a book, and I could never get anything past those knowing eyes. Those beautiful, knowing eyes. Phil. Stop. Gross. I keep having these thoughts about him, admiring something or another about him. Everything was perfect. His lips were soft and plump, His cheeks were smooth and the dimples that appeared on them when he smiled made me feel dizzy. His eyes were deep and romantic. I could go on forever. I think it's time to face the facts. I really like him. But, obviously, he can't know this, either. It would ruin everything.... Unless he liked me back. NO, PHIL. I'm sure he mentioned before he was straight, although I don't like to label myself. I had had girlfriends in the past, but always found myself more interested in boys.

Oh, god. This is a mess.

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SOOOOO that was pretty deep. And emotional. have fun everyone