Dreams of a Red Horizon

6 - Kristina

My finger hovered over the 'connect,' button, as I argued with myself one last time that this was a terrible idea. I bit my lip and breathed a prayer that this wasn't a trap. I had no way to know what to expect.

I had originally decided to not come. It was too much of a risk. It would put everything I had worked for in jeopardy. Connecting to the room he had set up for the 'interview' was a sure way to walk into whatever ambush I was sure awaited me. A hundred eventualities of a hundred scenarios of what could happen if I went played themselves out in my mind. I was sure there was no way he could be who he said, that his intention was not to hire me, but to bring about some dark ending that I knew I deserved.

Every muscle in my body screamed at me to run, to grab the bags I had placed by the door just in case and never look back. It wasn't hard, I had done it before again and again. I could disappear, move to another apartment, find another café, alter my avatar and change my name. It was easier than you would think.

In a city this big, in a city where another person is less important than the scenery, you could vanish easily. Nobody cared, nobody would stop me, not here. Apathy was in New Babel's water supply, and we all drank heavily. And I had taken advantage of that apathy almost every six months since that first year I became a woman of the night. Never stopping to make friends, never stopping to connect with another person. If running away was a race, then I was an athlete, watching places and people flash past me.

And then there was what had happened when I closed the chat with the man who had contacted me about the job. I had accidentally reopened the session with Sean, and as quickly as Kristina had switched to Kirsten, Kirsten changed back to Kristina. And I was sitting on Sean, naked, feeling the sweat on my back. And worse, feeling him inside of me.

"What's wrong?" Sean had asked, sitting up in the bed.

"Nothing," I said, not knowing what to say.

"Well, then let's keep going."

I thought about what to do. I considered it for a moment. But I wasn't supposed to feel any of that ever again. Not here, not this way, not on these terms. That was the whole reason I had made Kirsten in the first place. That was the whole reason I had spent so many nights, tired and dreaming and typing and whispering to myself, working on her. And just like that something inside of me moved. Something that had wrapped itself around my heart a long time ago. A web that had formed around me, restricting my breathing and holding me in place for as long as I could remember, broke.

"I'm sorry," I had said, untangling myself from him. "I can't do this anymore."

"What?" he said moving to the edge of the bed.

"I'm sorry," I repeated as I wrapped myself in a robe. "I have to go."

He stood up, his muscles tensing as his face contorted into anger. "Bitch, I fucking paid you. You finish or I'm going to..."

"Let me stop you right there." I interrupted him. "I'll refund your money. But don't make threats, or you'll never see it again."

He jumped at me and knocked me over to the floor, pinning me. "Do you think I give a fuck about the money?" he had said, breathing hate and fire over my neck.

"I'm leaving," I hissed.

"You leave," he said, "and I'll find you, you fucking whore. You'll regret it."

Those words, the last thing he had said before I disconnected, rang in my ears now. I should go, I told myself again. I should just leave. Why haven't I left already? Why can't I just go? Back in forth my thoughts went, like they were waves in my skull. Run or stay. Fight or flight. I couldn't decide.