Between The Lines

Dr. Who?

I saw my first shrink at age 7 and immediately I was prescribed Ritalin. I was having problems paying attention at my new school. I had a few fits of anger or temper tantrums, which evidently concerned my aunt. But, at only 7 years old, having to see a psychiatrist and take medication only confirmed to me that I was different from the other kids and that I didn't fit in. I just wanted someone to love me. That is all I wanted. Unfortunately, I didn't know what love was? My life was becoming a bittersweet oblivion. I was sinking, drowning in my own puddle of mud. So, I got to see Dr. Who every Wednesday after school. What a lucky little girl I was. I can't say I always enjoyed our sessions. Sometimes he would ask weird questions and ask how I felt. He would show me pictures that looked like black graffiti or dark clouds. Other times, I got to play with toys and then we would discuss what I thought of toys. I told him I liked the dolls. I began to warm up to Dr. who. He was soft spoken and he had very calm and nurturing personality. He was kinda of a small framed Asian man. He had an accent and I got to pick a lollipop after each visit. I saw Dr. Who for two years until I turned 9. My grades improved and so did my behavior. I sorta just went thru the motions and began to adjust to the changes and on the outside my new family looked picture perfect. A middle class family in the suburbs of San Bernardino Valley with four lovely daughters. Cute little brunettes with California suntans. I guess looks can be deceiving. Because I felt everything but normal and I felt like an outcast. I was an outcast. I wasn't my aunt and uncles biological daughter. Dr. Who understood that concept. I thought he was my friend? To my dismay, one Wednesday afternoon I was informed that Dr. Who no longer worked at that clinic. He and his family had moved away to somewhere in Texas to be near his wife's mother, who fell ill and he was opening his own practice. The words his former receptionist spoke just formed a dark cloud over me. I could hear what she was saying, but my 9 year old damaged heart was not receiving the message well. He left without saying goodbye. He abandoned me. Everyone in my life leaves. I didn't understand what I did wrong? I remember running out of the office and off down the sidewalk. After that I woke up in a hospital. Apparently, I had fallen into the concrete and I twisted my ankle, busted my knee, and scraped the left side of my face. I don't remember the fall. I just remember running. Running as fast as I could. Just as Lisa Marie and I ran down the sidewalk at that abortion clinic dodging the Protesters, while they screamed profanity to us and spoke of our salvation. But, little did they know....
I didn't go thru with the abortion and that was my dirty little secret that I shared with my sister, Lisa. She and I got back into the car when the handsome 21 year old picked us up. I just wanted to be with him so bad. I'd do anything. I also wanted my baby. I wanted someone to love me. Soon I would be seeing a different kind of Dr. Not one like Dr. Who. This one would be an OBGYN. However, I was no stranger to that type of physician either. Things were about to be really different. I was hiding a big secret from everyone. Lisa couldn't help looking at me and grinning. I was paranoid that she was gonna give us away. But, my new boyfriend had a secret of his own. He was high on cocaine and didn't even notice. He wanted to pull over and have sex with me. Was he serious? I told him I couldn't because I was still bleeding from the procedure. But he had some type of spell over me. I ended up giving him head and I had to snort a few lines or he would suspect something was up. If only he could read between the lines....