Pools of Emerald (frostiron fic)

9.) The Fallback *TW*

Just letting everyone know this has a trigger warning for self-harm. Not trying to offend anyone.

The next few days were hard, very hard. Loki has to force himself to even be awake most of the time. Him and Tony didn't go to coffee anymore. Tony hardly even spoke to Loki anymore and Loki hated himself for it. He knew that would happen. His true self came out and now Tony wanted nothing to do with him. At least these were the lies Loki told himself. In reality Tony wanted to give Loki some space, he didn't think it would help him to smother him. So both men went not truly knowing how the others actions would affect one another. Loki spent his time in his room beating himself up for being how he is. He spent a good portion of his time talking to himself. "You pushed away the one person who cared about you, stupid." He had his face buried in his hands as he let out muffled screams. Loki knew he was overreacting, but his inner demons and the voices told him these negative things.

"Remember there is a nearly full bottle of whiskey in the bathroom." Loki told himself. He glanced at the clock and realized it was only ten in the morning. Stereotypically he said to himself, "it's 5 o'clock somewhere," grabbing the bottle off of the counter. Loki quickly opened it and swigged as much as he could in one go. The familiar burning in his throat. "I need to kill the demons." He muttered under his breath. Already feeling the effects of chugging the whiskey; Loki felt himself becoming more and more numb. "This isn't good enough, I need them to be gone." He let his drunk thoughts take the wheel. "There has to be something else." Loki rummaged through the drawers, cupboards and medicine cabinet until he found what he was looking for; a shaving razor. He scrambled to take it apart. It took him a good minute before it gave way. "This has to work." Loki's drunkenness was hitting a peak. He pushed the blade around a few times in his hand; he knew what he had to do to make it go away. He pressed the cold blade against his arm and sliced until blood formed. Again and again. The burning pain stung, but slowly formed into a euphoric haze for Loki. He repeated until he got tired. Before he knew it, his left arm was covered in fresh cuts. "They're gone, they left. My demons are gone. Gone for now." Loki softly spoke to himself, watching his arm bleed slowly. He knew they would come back though, they always did.

. . .

Tony and Bruce were both in the kitchen, still waking up. "How's Loki today?" Bruce asked with a yawn.

"Hopefully still sleeping. Haven't gotten a chance to check on him yet. I'm going to see if he wants to get coffee today, I've given him enough space to get his head cleared." Tony yawned.

"You're right, I wish Nat and Clint would lighten up a bit, he's actually a pretty nice guy when you get to know him. When I do see him he always asks how I'm doing." Bruce smiled.

"Yeah, he is. You never would have known he tried to attack a whole city. Well I better go get him before I decide to just have coffee here." Tony said already starting to walk away from Bruce.

Back in his room Loki was laying on the bathroom floor letting the room spin around him. His head was completely clear now, a slow smile spread across his face. Thats when he heard a knock on the door. He ignored it at first until he heard the voice he knew best. "Lokes it's me wake up, I want coffee." It was Stark. Loki sat up as quickly as he could with the room still spinning. He glanced at his arm, still bleeding. "Loki do I have to come in and dump a bucket of water on you or what?" Tony grew more and more impatient.

"Uh, hold on a minute." Loki slurred out, trying to sound as sober as possible.

"Ok sleepy head you have two minutes before I come in there fully loaded, bucket in hand." Tony laughed. Panic filled Loki's head. He ran the water from the bathtub and rinsed his arm, water running pink.

"Fuck." He muttered to himself. He rummaged through the cabinets again until he found gauze and wrapped his arm, very uncoordinated. It didn't look good but it was better than bleeding everywhere. He hid the whiskey bottle behind the toilet where it had been left and scanned the floor for any stray blood. Once he was sure he left everything normal, he found a sweatshirt Tony had given him and threw it on. He took a deep breath, and tried to regain his thoughts. The smell of Tony filled his nose, and the room still spun slightly. Before Loki got the chance to open the door, Tony came waltzing in.

"Come on Reindeer Games I want some coffee..." Tony was hardly paying attention and then he finally got a glance at Loki. The circles under his eyes were worse than Tony had ever seen and there was a purple tinge to his skin. "Whoa, man. You look like hell froze over. Are you okay? Maybe a cigarette would do you some good."

"I am fine, just didn't sleep very well last night." Loki faked a smile and sobriety. Sad as it was, he was a good liar because Tony didn't question anything.

"Let's get you some caffeine, come on goat horns, you know the way." Loki tried not to stumble as he walked around Stark towers. Tony was incessantly chatting as if nothing had ever happened and hardly paid any attention. Which in Loki's case was good. He was still feeling the alcohol inside of him. As soon as they stepped outside, the first thing Loki did was light a cigarette. "If that will get you out of this daze, I won't even give you shit for smoking today." Tony chuckled. Loki looked at the ground. "What's up with you?" Tony raised an eyebrow. He still wasn't right after the other day? Loki shook his head.

"Nothing's wrong, I'm sorry. Just out of it. Like I said I didn't sleep well last night." Loki took a drag of his cigarette.

"Alright well you know where to find me if you want to talk." Tony half smiled at Loki. Something was up with him, he wasn't sure what but it was something. Once they got to the coffee shop, Loki grabbed their normal table and sat down, immediately lighting another cigarette; hands shaking. Tony watched intently from inside as Loki chain smoked. He could see him shaking, and if he could see that all the way inside, something was wrong. Once he paid for and received his coffees, Tony made his way back to the table. "Lokes, what's up? What's wrong?" Tony questioned. Loki remained expressionless and quiet.

"I'm ok Anthony." Loki said through clenched teeth. He was doing everything in his power to make it seem like he was fine, but he could only do that for so long. "I just- I just thought you were never going to speak to me again." Loki admitted. He wouldn't go any more into detail than that.

Tony chuckled "you thought I was never going to talk to you again? I just wanted to give you some space, some breathing room." Loki looked at the ground, embarrassed. Truth being, he didn't want space, he wanted Tony by his side. He could never tell Tony what he did, or how he felt about him. As badly as he wanted to tell him he just couldn't. He didn't just like Tony, he was in love with Tony. So he would continue his days living a lie. A lie that would be one of his hardest to tell.