Toxic

iii

     Jimin flinched slightly as the splinter fell to the veranda floor. To his dismay, blood began to well up at the fresh wound on his foot where the splinter was once embedded in. Moral of the story, Jimin thought to himself, wear socks on the veranda. Jimin absent mindedly wiped the blood off his foot before limping to the kitchen for a band-aid. Having wanted some fresh air, Jimin went to the veranda and like the clutz he is, ended up with a bloody foot trying to pull out a splinter without Jungkook's help.

     After managing to place the band-aid on without killing himself, Jimin shuffled out to the veranda again, this time wearing socks. The October air chilled him slightly but Jimin found the cool breeze refreshing. The slight pain in his foot and sharp wind biting his unguarded face broke through the dull throb and haze Jimin's medication constantly put him under. Jimin hated his meds for that reason, his senses were dulled and he constantly felt slow and sluggish. He couldn't see the vibrant blue of the sky, couldn't feel the cold glass window panes, couldn't hear his lover's voice as clearly as his heart yearned for. Before living with Jungkook, the doctors promised Jimin that the medicine would make him feel better, that he'd feel happier and stronger when he took them. Jimin didn't feel that all, Jimin wanted to feel.

     Closing his eyes, Jimin leaned on the railing of the veranda. He was 7 stories above ground and on the precipice of oblivion. Leaning foreword slowly, Jimin felt the shift of gravity move from his feet to his torso balancing on the railing. It was suddenly tempting, to push forward, to test how far Jimin could push himself before the ultimate fall. Just to see his limits and feel the plummet.

Would it hurt? More than it does now?

     Jimin's toes were in the air now as he hovered at the edge. His hands hung limply over the railing and dangled freely. It was damn tempting to just let gravity take control. Just like he was now, Jimin was the furthest away from the apartment he's ever been since he dropped out of college four ago to live with Jungkook. Eyes still closed Jimin could feel it. His body precariously wavering. He was at the tipping point of the scale, everything was balanced and everything could fall.

I could leave.

I can escape.

     A sudden burst of wind rushed by, throwing Jimin off balance. Fear tore through his body as Jimin's eyes flew open. He seized the railing with trembling hands as he nearly toppled over into the open embrace of death. Clutching at the railing with enough force to turn his knuckles white with tension, Jimin slowly lowered himself back onto the veranda floor. Shaking madly, Jimin curled in on himself as he tried to calm his pounding heart.

I can't leave. I can't leave Kookie alone.

     Rocking back and forth, Jimin stared out to the view the veranda gave. It wasn't particularly impressive but Jimin found himself staring out into the distance more often these days. The street to the apartment complex was visible and Jimin often spent his evening waiting for Jungkook to come home from work. Sometimes he'd wait ten minutes, sometimes he'd wait for ten hours. It was work Jimin would convince himself as he watched the sun rise as Jungkook would enter the complex after being away from home and Jimin for an entire day. It was a company outing that Kookie forgot to tell me about. It wasn't that Jimin doubted Jungkook, he was just lonely without him.

     It was the same loneliness that made Jimin stare further out, past the street, to the distant greenery across the street. A simple park a mere ten minutes away from the complex lie there. To an onlooker, the park wasn't even that impressive, it was little more than a field with trees and a bench.

Jimin saw paradise.

     When he first moved in with Jungkook, visits to the park was what he looked forwards to the most. Jimin had imagined Jungkook and himself doing couple stuff there like picnics or eating ice cream together while holding hands. He never knew exactly when he stopped dreaming of such things; when his mind dismissed such thoughts as impossible fantasies. Maybe it was when Jungkook first hit him.

     How long has it been, Jimin mused, since I last went out? The combination of medicine, sleeping in for days, closed curtains, and nights staying up in terror had left Jimin feeling disconnected from time. Clocks and calendars were meaningless to him, nothing more than random numbers. The sensation of being outside, of being not in here was lost to Jimin. He wouldn't trade his life for what he didn't have though, being with Jungkook far outweighed any con. Still, the feeling of walking outside was becoming more of a bitter memory then a possible future for Jimin. Besides, even if Jimin wanted to go outside against Jungkook's orders, he didn't even have shoes to do so. They were all thrown out last time Jimin left without permission years ago.

But that doesn't mean I can't get more.

     Jimin slowly rose back to his feet as his mind raced with conflicting thoughts.

No, I don't have any money to buy shoes. Besides, Jungkook won't let me. He told me not to leave and threw out my shoes so I wouldn't.

But Jungkook has money. He didn't tell me that I couldn't buy shoes and it's not like I'm going to use them to leave. I just want shoes, nothing else. I want to feel like I'm outside again.

There's no way for me to buy them.

There is.

     As if in a trance, Jimin limped out of the veranda and back into the house. He walked towards Jungkook's study where the only computer in the was. Upon reaching the entrance, Jimin hesitated. There were so many rules he was about to break just by stepping into Jungkook's study. Rules that Jungkook specifically told Jimin were put in order for his own good. Rules established to better care for Jimin.

     And he was about to break all of them.

     Swallowing his terror, Jimin tiptoed into the study. Feet ghosting the wooden paneling, Jimin crept to the computer as carefully as possible. Just the act of turning the computer on almost had Jimin bolting for the exit in fear of being caught. Jungkook always knew what Jimin was thinking. They've been in love long enough for Jungkook to read Jimin's mind although he himself remained a mystery to Jimin. The computer powered up at an agonizingly slow pace as Jimin nervously glanced around the study. There wasn't much in it honestly. A shelf with books that meant nothing to Jimin, a desk with nearly stacked papers on it, and pictures adorning the shelves. Jimin was about to examine the pictures when the home screen lit up. Jungkook had no password on his computer, proof that he trusted Jimin not to break the rules and look at his computer. Ignoring the guilt gnawing away at his gut, Jimin pulled the email on the computer and began to frantically type.

To:Rapmonster@bighit.com
Subject:This is Jimin
Hyung, can you do me a favor?

     As Jimin continued to type out his request, a turbulence of emotions rocked through his body, threatening to consume him in a tidle wave of confliction. Guilt, joy, imprisonment, freedom, submission, and rebellion courses through him. One thought pulsed through him, pumping liquid determination through his veins, that made Jimin send the email. One thought that made Jimin grit his teeth in a smile when leaning on veranda and wave eagerly at Jungkook as he returned home. One thought that kept Jimin alive.

I want to feel.