Is there Somewhere? - Ryden

23

There's a long pause as Brendon looks over the man standing at his door. Their eyes are roaming each other, inspecting each other maybe, so that they know this is real. And as far as Brendon can tell, it is.

"How did you find me?" Brendon all but whispers. His mind is spinning. He didn't tell anyone he was here, not a soul, and yet somehow Ryan found him.

"Pure fucking luck." Ryan let's out, a hint of relief in his voice. "I went to every motel in the local area, asking for you.... Got turned away by all of them. Then I decided to not ask anymore. I went through and knocked on every door of every motel until I found you... Fuck, I'm so happy I found you Bren..." He smiles, instantly moving in for a hug, which Brendon steps away from.

"Don't..." Brendon mutters, voice full of tears.

"Bren..... I...." He takes a step closer, but Brendon only backs away more.

There's this weird thing about people who were abandoned before, they don't want it to ever happen again. The pain of being thrown out like garbage by someone you love was the worst pain Brendon had ever felt. Yes, he was in love with Ryan. Every part of him screamed for the man. But was he going to let himself fall into someone's arms just to be hurt again? Absolutely fucking not. "I didn't want to be found." Brendon lets out, eyes pointed to Ryan's feet. "I can't Ry...." He shakes his head, bottom lip twitching slightly.

Ryan's fingers brush under Brendon's chin, and as Brendon tries to pull away he tightens his grip, tugging his chin up so that Brendon is forced to look at him. "Why not?" Ryan whispers, voice loving, caring, not at all harsh.

Brendon tries to look away, but Ryan's grip is too strong and his eyes are much too alluring. He sighs as a single tear rolls down his cheek. He didn't want to break in front of Ryan, but then again he also didn't want to fall in love with him. Ryan has a funny way of making him do things his body is begging him not to do.

Brendon sighs and moves to pull Ryan into the room, closing the door behind him with a kick of his foot. His eyes are glued to Ryan's, unable to look away. There is something about those amber colored eyes that pull him in, and leave him captivated.

"I can't love." Brendon says after a moment. Ryan's eyebrows furrow lightly, as if he's confused. "Not just you. I can't love anyone... It's just not something I'm capable of anymore." He remembered telling Ryan he doesn't fall in love early in their relationship but he says it again for emphasis.

"Of course you can love..." Ryan says sadly, bottom lip jutting out slightly.

"You're right I can i just..." He sighs, sitting on the bed that's covered in empty bottles of alcohol. Maybe he should have pulled Ryan somewhere else instead so that he wouldn't see how fucked up he has been the last few days, but it's too late now. "I don't want to be in love with you. I don't want to feel the pain I felt when...." He pauses. "This week has been hell. I didn't know I loved you until it was too late and... Seeing you with her..." He sighs. "I can't feel that ever again." Tears stream down his cheeks. "I-I think you should leave."

Ryan's eyes are watering now, and Brendon can swear he sees some wetness on his cheeks already. "I never meant to hurt you..." Ryan lets out, making Brendon sigh. "Pete caught us and I... I wanted to prove to myself I didn't love you... I... I went to her so I could get you out of my head, but when I closed my eyes i only saw you, Bren..."

The words sound familiar. Brendon remembers doing the exact same thing with Sarah, just minutes after he caught Ryan with Helena. Ryan sits next to Brendon, hanging his head. "And then Pete showed me your letter and I.... I broke.... God you should have seen me break down. I made a fucking fool of myself. Broke up with Helena on the spot... She took Dottie..." He rubs the back of his neck. "I didn't even care... Brendon all I cared about was finding you. Just give me a chance to show you how good love can really feel..." He turns to Brendon, a small smile playing his thinner lips.

If it were anyone else Brendon would say no. He would throw them out without another word, but hearing Ryan talk about how in love with Brendon he was and how distraught Brendon leaving made him made Brendon feel a tingle in his heart. He felt... Love? Maybe? He still wasn't sure. All he knew was that Ryan was here, begging for another chance and he knew that he would be an idiot to give up a chance at love, no matter how badly he wanted to. Brendon was no idiot. "Fine..." Brendon whispers, making Ryan's eyes light up.

"Fine!?" Ryan asks, hopeful. His body perks up and he's practically bouncing on the bed as he realizes he's getting another chance.

Brendon chuckles and nods his head. "Yeah. Okay. You've got another shot, Ross. Just don't blow it this time okay?"

"Okay!" Ryan replies happily, and then he's pulling Brendon to his car, body suddenly dull of energy, full of happiness.

Brendon hardly wanted to do this, but this was Ryan, and he couldn't quite bring himself to say no.

He would never say no to Ryan.