Let Me Love You | Toni Kroos

Chapter 35 - Hold It Together

Gabi's POV

"Maybe we should stay away from each other for a while," Toni had said as he pulled over on our street.

"What do you mean?" I'd asked. He didn't answer. "You...don't want to be my friend anymore?"

"Maybe I don't want to be your friend now," he'd said without looking at me.

"But –" I'd started, but he'd suddenly gotten out of the car, walked over to the passenger side, and opened my door.

"Have a nice day, Gabi."

"Toni, I –"

"I can't do this, Gabi. I can't do this now. I need some time alone, okay? Take care of yourself."

I closed my eyes again as I remembered the last words he'd said to me all those days ago. No more familiar silhouette from across the road, waiting for me. No more surprise visits up the pipe. No more rocks flung at my window to get my attention. And no more Toni, not in my room, on the street, at the dinner table, or in my life. I hadn't seen him in weeks.

Suddenly, my room door opened a crack, and Amelie peeked in. "Gabi," she called softly, walking over and sitting next to me on the bed. "We baked some cookies. Do you want some? Come downstairs and eat with us."

"Go away, Amelie," I said with a lump in my throat.

"Gabi, don't be like this," she tugged on my sleeve. "I'm sure it's hurting him as much as it's hurting you."

"Oh, really?" I demanded. "Yeah, I'm sure it does. That's why he hasn't talked to me in so many weeks, or called, or shown any sign that he's still alive, except being on the bloody TV playing his bloody football. He plans his schedule so damn carefully, you know? He plans it so that he'd never run into me on the street ever. Even when walking the dogs. Yeah, I'm sure it hurts him as much, Amelie."

There was a short silence as Amelie thought of what to say, as if she wasn't sure if she was supposed to say it. And then she started, a little hesitantly, and then more determinedly as if all she wanted was for me to understand what Toni was going through.

"Do you remember when you first came back from the hospital?" she asked. "Remember how you and Toni only said hi to each other whenever you guys ran into each other on the street, and he never talked to you? And then remember that day, when you saw me playing with the dogs together with Toni and Felix, and the four of us went for a walk together, and Toni started talking to you again?"

"Yeah, and?" I asked back. Of course I'd remember that day.

"That was the day Felix and I ambushed Toni in his room, and asked him exactly why he refused to talk to you. Because we knew he loved you, and we knew he'd given everything for you when you were in the hospital. And do you know what he told us? He told us how much it hurt him that you woke up every night screaming – but that it hurt him even more that you'd look at him with those expressionless eyes whenever he talked to you. It hurt him that you didn't recognise him. And that's why he took so long to talk to you again. And he cried so much, Gabi. He cried so much that day, telling us how much it hurt. I've never, ever seen a boy cry so much in my life. He went to your bedside every single day, talking to you, reading to you, hoping that you'd wake up and tell him you loved him. And he blamed himself for the accident. He felt so, so guilty that he wasn't able to save you, and that you got injured, and that you had to lie there for weeks, because you saved him.

"So believe me when I tell you it hurts him as well, okay? Because it does. I know how much he wanted to talk to you again, to be by your side and to take care of you, but every time he does it, he's hurting. He's hurting because he thinks he's the one who made you this way, and he's hurting because he knows that things might not ever be the same ever again. And being by your side hurts him so much more, looking into your eyes and not seeing the love that he's so used to hurts him so much more. But he's been by your side all this time, hasn't he? Because he really loves you, Gabi. He really loves you and he wants you to remember everything, even though you've told him he needs to wait and you've basically friendzoned him. And you know him, Gabi, you know him just as well, or even more than I do. He'd remain by your side forever if that was what it took. Even if you never say you love him ever again.