St. Mallory's Forever!

10. XUAN - Pronounced "Shin". Comprendez?

Finally! I'm soooo pleased to see you!

No, not you. My iPad.

My father's driver took it back to the Embassy with him last week by mistake. Well, my mistake, not his. I slipped it into his briefcase for safe-keeping when we stopped off at one of those unforgivably dull service stations on the way down, and forgot to retrieve it. I must have been having a blonde moment.

Anyway, obviously I'm pleased to see you, too. That's always assuming you're out there somewhere reading this. Of course, that's a big if, but I'm going to push on anyway, and just hope somebody's listening. After all, what else is there to do after studies at an all-girls English boarding school?

Well actually quite a lot, but that's for another day. Right now, as this is my first ever blog, allow me to introduce myself.

Okay, so my name is Xuan, which if you don't speak Mandarin Chinese is pronounced "shin".

Actually, it's pronounced "shin" if you do speak Mandarin Chinese too, so that was a pretty poor use of the conditional tense. Sorry! But I've got a good excuse. English is my fifth language.

And let me tell you now, that is both a bane and a blessing.

A blessing, obviously, because English is the lingua franca of the world. Speak good English and it can open doors. At least, that's what my father says, and as Cultural Attaché to the Chinese Embassy in London he should know.

So as I was saying, before I rudely interrupted myself, the name's Xuan, I'm fifteen years old, and I've been in England about three months. Before that I was in Paris, and before that it was Berlin. Two years in each.

Yeah, being the daughter of a top-ranking diplomat has its upside. And I'm told being sent to schools like St. Mallory's is one of them.

Hmmm. The jury's still out on that one. Not too impressed so far, I can tell you!

When I lived in Paris and Berlin I was at one of those American international schools, so I was taught in English. And anyway my father had been teaching me English since I was knee high to a Tibetan yak, so I had a good start. Being in Paris for two years I obviously learned French, and in Berlin... Exactly. And I also speak Cantonese, as well as Mandarin.

Yep, I'm fluent in five languages. And bizarrely that's causing me problems here at St. Mallory's.

You see, when I came here for the school tour prior to enrolment Dad was on some official... thing, I don't know what, with the Embassy, so I got lumbered with one of the staff to drive me down. And guess who happened to have a throat infection that week? Yours truly. I could hardly speak, my tongue was orange from sucking lozenges, and I had to use universal sign language (nod or shake head, smile or frown, a thumbs up, or maybe two fingers, depending on the circumstances...) to respond to any questions.

So when they asked me about my English skills my idiotic driver explained, accurately but to disastrous effect, that English was my fifth language.

"Oh dear," said the Head. "We don't have a class for English as a fifth language," *visualise condescending smile here* "but I'm sure our English as a Second Language facilities will help you pick up the basics, at least, and we can arrange for extra tuition on evenings and at weekends until you catch up."

Extra tuition in evenings and weekends? Catch up?! I probably speak English better than she does!

I tried to put her right, and tell her where she could stuff her ESL lessons, especially the ones scheduled in my free time, but all that came out of my mouth was a fair imitation of a dromedary camel with asthma. The Head gave me a look of unadulterated pity such that I wanted to set about her with a lacrosse sick and beat her incessantly.

And I can tell you now, having been sat in ESL classes today being made to read Dr Seuss, that this desire to rearrange the molecular structure of the aforementioned Head has diminished not one iota.

In fact, if I... Oh drat. And double drat. Here comes one of the girls now, to escort me to my next ESL lesson. In my flaming free period! Count to ten, Xuan... Count to ten...