St. Mallory's Forever!

6. HELEN: Culture? Cult!

They were so cheerful! So what's that all about?

I mean, they didn't even have their parents there. Not that I'd mind saying goodbye to Mum for a couple of weeks every now and again, but all the girls were acting like this was all some big adventure. Er, hello? It's school.

Still, the first day is the worst, isn't it?

I've always been bad about meeting new people so I kept my head down in the hope that everyone would leave me alone. It's a technique I use every time I start a new school. Only problem was, they seemed to have been told to look after me because they just wouldn't go away.

But I'm not the only one who's totally lost by all of this. There's this other new girl, the Chinese girl I mentioned earlier. Her name is Xuan – pronounced "shin". That's all I've managed to get out of her so far. Not being too strong with English I guess she was lost amongst all the jabbering posh girls.

Well she's not the only one.

It's a different planet here, with its own language and everything. I mean, this girl Abby asked me which prep school I'd been to. So I told them, no, I came from a comprehensive in London. I might as well have said that my brother was an axe-murderer or something, they were so horrified. Well, screw them. We're not all knife-wielding hooligans, you know.

Anyway, Xuan (pronounced 'shin', don't forget!) asked me my name (Helen – pronounced Helen!) and we talked for a few minutes about how weird this place is. Especially the House system.

And it's funny, but Xuan seemed to understand me pretty well considering. And me her. Not that we had any time to get acquainted before someone grabbed her by the wrist and carted her off to ESL.

So I just ended up feeling even more alone. I guess that goes to show that Mum was wrong when she said moving to St Mallory's would be good for my education. At this rate, all my learning ability is going to be used up learning how the system works.

As far as I can make out, the houses are like the 'houses' in our old school – they're the team you're on for competitions and that. But at a boarding school like this they're also where you live, so like real houses. My house is called Marylebone, which is a nice little reminder of London, at least.

We've got lessons starting tomorrow, and I've checked my timetable. Looks like we kick off with Biology, but then I've got Music second period, which is just before break, so I should have a chance to talk to Mum at the end of it. That is, if she's not too busy. Maybe I can make her see sense and let me go and stay with Dad.

Yeah, dream on. I know the money's better here, but I'm sure the real reason Mum took this job was to make it even more difficult for me to see Dad.

But you're not interested in my personal problems. You're here for dirt on St. Posho's. So, let's start with the uniform. You know, we have a kilt? Oh, yeah, I said that before. But it's just not normal.

For starters everyone knows kilts are worn by men. In Scotland.

So why are girls wearing them in Brighton, which is about as far away from Scotland as you can get without leaving the British isles? And it makes me look like I'm about to start doing a sword dance or something.

Which is actually one of the few dances I've never tried. But I hear they're good for cutting your toenails!

Sorry. It's this place. It's just made for bad puns. And I wouldn't say no to a sword just now, if I'm honest. Then I could fence anyone who looked sideways at me because I come from a state school. En garde, Abby posh girl! Prepare to meet thy doom!

Anyway, maybe I'll get a chance to prove I'm not stupid once lessons start.

Ha. You did realise that was sarcasm, right? Most probably I'll just end up confirming all their worst prejudices.