Clear

Clear: Chapter 40 *ENDING*

Chapter 40: Starting Over

The lines of the blank yellow pad were mesmerizing. The spaces in between them were empty. Filling them in would require motive– a general purpose. Yet, I left them as they were to match the nothingness inside of my mind.

It was Thursday morning, and I sat in the boardroom. It felt surreal. My head was at the bottom of a fishbowl as two voices filled the distorted air.

Carefully, I put my pen down and hid my shaking hands under the table. It was hard to lift my eyes from the finished surface. If I did, I knew I wouldn't be able to breathe.

Baddone sat to my immediate left, continuing to challenge Lebleu's update about Reagan Digital. She couldn't grasp the concept as to why the current methods of production needed to change and aggressively pondered how time consuming it would be to fully integrate the purchased company.

When will this end?

No one else spoke, as Lebleu's naturally mellow tone rose with aggravation as though her continuous rebuttals were transgressions.

Though, the greatest offense was sitting across from me at the table. I could feel the burning stare ever since I entered the room. But I wouldn't return it. I couldn't grant him that privilege.

Even after six days of inner monologues and missing puzzle pieces, my anger felt as fresh as the moment I saw Baddone touch him with a glimmering left hand.

God... make it stop hurting. Please.

As the meeting concluded, I shadowed Chris out of the room. He had to ask me twice if I was feeling better from what he still thought was food poisoning. The second time I heard him and nodded my head.

"But you don't look well," he noted sympathetically.

He found out why I couldn't bring myself to smile when I asked to have a quick meeting with him in his office. I had to tell him the truth.

After several long breaths in the bathroom, I returned to my cube and meditated my way into calmness. The reaction from Chris was rough to bear, but that was the risk I took after keeping a secret for so long; his silent disappointment killed me as I thought it would.

I didn't know how I was going to do any work when my mind refused to focus. It was nearly impossible, when I knew falling back into routine would make everything hurt. I also knew the consequences of letting my phone lie face up beside my keyboard. Forcing it to be silent was the best way to save my sanity from another vibration, but around 2:30PM, I stared at the sixth text from Ezra asking me to see him upstairs.

She's there. How can you ask me when she is up there in that office where she belongs, beside you?

But the problem was that I still wanted to see him. I needed to.

Ezra paced in front of his office in hallway of the thirty-third floor. The moment I escaped the elevator, he rushed down the hall and to me.

"Ada, I'm glad you decided to visit," he huffed with panic.

Finally, I gave him my full attention. Though, when I did, it tore at on the inside.

I clutched onto the folders in my hands, "May we speak about this in your office?"

"Of course," he nodded, observing the stack of papers.

He promptly gestured for me to go ahead of him, and I didn't waste another second. Keeping my eyes ahead, I ignored the fluorescent lighting that emitted through the slender window of the office to the right.