Tears for Fears

Lu(ca)

"They can't do anything for him anymore" I say as my voice skips. I swallow the emerging tears away and look up to Britt, my best friend. She looks at me with an expression which I can't place. It mostly looks like frustration and she seems uninterested.

"Luca" she starts and you can see that she's thinking about how she's going to pronounce her next sentence. "I know you don't like it, but you shouldn't make it a drama. You know it's not a disaster"

I can only look at her in shock, I'm making a drama about it?! I remember when she couldn't stop crying for a week when her cat died. I was there for her and now I'm making a drama? I decide not to respond to her and I continue my English. It's very easy for me as I'm pretty smart and they make no distinction between the children yet. Right now I'm eleven and I'm in the last months of my senior year in primary school. Most people would be sad that they have to leave this place, but to be honest I'm not. I'm happy as I will soon have some challenge. I jump up from my chair and walk to the bathroom. I don't even ask if I'm allowed to go anymore. They can't stop me. I take a glance in the mirror. Two bright blue eyes look at me and I rush my hand through my long brown curls. I don't use any make-up yet cause my mum thinks I'm to young, though I would really like to wear some mascara. My eyelashes are long and beautiful but I believe it'll drag all the attention to my eyes. I would be what people call a beautiful girl, if my teeth were all straight. but they aren't, in my opinion my teeth belong to a rabbit. Luckily my mother made an appointment with the dentist so we can discuss some braces. Silently I walk outside and sit in the sun, it's nice and warm. I close my eyes and think. Am I making a drama about it?

Let me tell you what's going on first. Last month they ascertained cancer at my neighbor. I was totally upset as he was like a second father for me. My parents work a lot so me and my brother spend a lot of time at their place. they sort of raised us a bit. A couple of days ago his wife told me that he was done with the treatment and that the doctors couldn't help him anymore. He was going to die, they just didn't know when. It could take a week, but he could also ive for another year. I saw how fast he was falling back, how weak he became at such short notice. The strong man full of life I knew was now confined to bed. It hurted me, so I told Britt. and that's the point you came in my story. Welcome. The only thing I can tell you straight away is that this journey isn't going to be easy for me. You will read everything and I will not sugercoat anything. Don't tell me I haven't warned you. Let's continue the story.

As I was thinking about what Britt said I realised she was right. I didn't have the right to be so upset about this. He is only my neighbor. My life won't stop when he's dead. I'm being selfish, I mean. His wife, children and grandchildren have the full right to be sad, upset, angry and torn. Not me.

I know that was wrong to think from me, but you have to realise I was a eleven year old girl who wants to please everyone.

I push away all my feelings, I have to be strong I tell myself. Lu, you have to be strong. I slowly walk back in the classroom. I feel Britt's eyes burning two holes through me, like lasers.

"Luca, are you okay?" she silently whispers to me as I reached my spot next to her. I put on my biggest smile before I answer.

"I'm perfect, thank you" I say. It probably sounded really fake bacause Britt looks at me with one eyebrow lifted. She always does this when she doesn't believe me

"Luca" she starts, but I interrupt her

"Lu" I only say, she should call me by my name. Lu is the new me. The stronger me. I see that Britt wants to say something so I quickly add "and I'm perfectly fine, really", look her in the eyes and before she can answer I hug her tight. I believe that she realises that she can't change my mind bacause she goes back to her work. I'm already done so I check the time. It's 14.55, which means school's done in five minutes.

When the bell rings I run home at the speed of a cheeta, in my imagination, kiss my mum, grab a piece of candy and I'm gone again. I can just hear my mum yell at me that I have to be home at six for dinner.

I realise that this is the point where it all began, but nobody noticed my problem. I created Lu, a more spontanious, stronger person as I was at that point. Nobody realised that she was my second personality, everyone thought Lu was my nickname because nobody wanted to call me Luca. People would think I found Lu more feminime as Luca, which is also a boy's name. I don't blame them. I kept my secret well, even untill now for many people

I walked over to the treehouse we, all the children in the village, made. It wasn't actually a house, but the could sit over ten people in the three trees we used. It was our spot and we were proud on what we made. I enjoyed myself with the children who were there, at six I went home and I ate dinner. After that I went to my balletclass and around eight 'o' clock I made myself ready for bed. It was just a normal day in my life. If I only realised...