September. (A Josh Ramsay Fic)

Final Chapter - Twenty Five - I Quit, I Give Up

The darkness had truly fallen when I reached my destination. The air had frozen, and whipped my exposed arms as the wind danced around me. I hurried to the bridge, and leant against the barrier as I reached it. I hopped up and sat on it, still urging myself not to back out now. Not now I was so close...

I slid down the barrier, my feet touching the thin strip of cement on the other side. I clung to the cold metal as I stared at the murky water rushing below me. 

Here I was. This is where my story ends. Four months of excitement, paranoia, and heartbreak, culminating in the pooling water below. I could no longer be taken for granted, no longer had to deal with the constant mood swings from Josh, or the disapproving looks from my mother whenever she saw me with him. She suspected the worst of me when she found out about Josh's drug use, and I couldn't say she was wrong in her assumption. She never asked me, though. 

There was only one person who made me hesitate- Matt. When I met him, he was just a sweet kid who loved playing on the swings, but the last time I had seen him, he looked exhausted and dishevelled, struggling to keep himself together much longer. I broke a sweet boy, and leaving him would merely deepen the cracks. But at the same time, without me, he could begin to repair himself, could he not?

I didn't deserve to stay in his life and hurt him any longer. 

I wondered what would happen after this. Would my family be sad, or would they be relieved? Would they cry, or would they be thankful that such a weight had been lifted from their shoulders? Who would attend my funeral? Would anyone even show up? What would people say about me, who would pretend they had adored me in my life? 

I didn't have many friends here, and my mom would probably try to fill the seats as best as she could- I laughed at the idea of my "friends" from Alberta attending my funeral, and sobbing as if they hadn't been the people to run me out of the state and into Josh's arms.

Josh. I wondered how he would react to my death. He was the main cause in all of this, after all. Would he accept responsibility? Would he realise that he was the root cause of all of my problems, or would he merely make himself the victim once again? I wasn't sure I wanted to find out. 

Suddenly, I felt someone's breath on the back of my neck.

"September" he whispered, leaning close to me. "What are you doing?". I clung tight to the metal barrier as he spoke, trying to keep myself from succumbing and turning to face him. 

"You know what I'm doing, Josh" I said through gritted teeth. Why did he have to turn up? I was coping perfectly well on my own, and now he'd turned up, and was no doubt going to try and stop me from what was imminent.

"You're right, I know, and I'm trying to stop you" he said, his arms reaching up and resting on my shoulders. I cringed at the touch. I wanted him to go away, I didn't want him to be here while this happened. I wasn't sure whether or not I could even go through with it if he stayed. So I told him just that.

"Josh," I began, my grip on the metal tightening so much so I could feel the edges digging in to my palms. "You have to go. Now. There's no way out of it, and I'm sorry, but it's true. I can't deal with the fights any more, I can't take one more argument. All we were ever built on is fights and ice cream. And I wish we could just have ice cream all of the time, but the fights are all we ever seem to get. It's better off this way, Josh, you'll be happier. You can forget about me, and focus on your band because I know that one day you'll be huge. I can see you playing arenas, but I'll never be backstage waiting for you. That's not something we can ever have, and God I wish we could, but that's not how it's fated to be. We end here."

I knew he was crying. I didn't even have to turn around to know. His head was burrowed into the back of my shirt, between my shoulder blades, and I could feel him shaking against me. I tried to block it out, tried not to think about how I was causing this. But I couldn't. I turned around on the concrete beam to face him, watching my footing cautiously as I did so. He looked up at me, and smiled despite his red face and welled-up eyes. 

"When I first met you" he laughed, "I thought you were hot. An absolute smokeshow. I wanted a way to get your number, so I stole your phone. All I wanted was a hookup- I planned to fuck you and leave you, because I was an ass like that. I never planned to actually like you, and definitely not to call you that night. I don't know how I got so caught up in you, but I wouldn't change it for the world. What I would change, though, is fucking you up. Because I did- royally. I got you addicted to heroin, for fucks sake. You might not realise it, but I can see it- you're jittering even now. You may not be as bad as me right now, but if you don't get help, you will be at some point. We'll get help together, okay? We'll go to rehab together, we'll beat this and be normal. Maybe get married, get a dog, adopt Matt- it'll be great." 

"So you're saying you wanted to fuck me and leave me, but now instead you've fucked me and want to marry me?" I laughed, not mentioning the idea of adopting Matt which, by the way, is probably not even legal.

"That is exactly what I'm saying, I am glad you understand. Why don't you join me on the correct side of the bridge barrier?"

I'd almost forgotten why we were here. I prised my hands from the barriers they had almost frozen to, and found that the corner had left a sharp white line running down my otherwise bright red hands. I showed them to Josh and he laughed, shaking his head at my accidental markings before holding one of my hands to attempt to hoist me up. 

I placed one of my feet between two of the metal bars on the barrier and attempted to push myself up from there, but it didn't quite go to plan. The metal bars were wet due to the rain earlier in the evening, and I slipped. I attempted to steady myself, but I quickly found that neither of my feet were touching the ground.

"SEPTEMBER!" Josh yelled, and I looked up to see the reason I had not yet fallen into the murky waters below- Josh was leaning far over the barrier, both hands gripping my arm tightly.

Terrified was an understatement. We looked into each others' eyes and I could tell we were thinking the same thing- we both knew that Josh wasn't strong enough to pull me back up, and there was no way for me to climb up again. He tried to shout for help, but the bridge was deserted. It had to be about 5am, and almost everyone who would normally use this bridge was asleep. I prayed for someone to walk by at the very least; I didn't want to die.

"This is it, isn't it?" he said, tears falling freely from his eyes now that he wasn't able to wipe them away. "This is the end." He bowed his head, leaning it on the cold barrier and hitting it softly a few times. I was trying my best to stay calm, and accept what now seemed inevitable; I no longer wanted to die, but it seemed to be the only end.

"I love you" he whispered, barely audible over the pounding of my own heart against my ribcage. "I love you so much, and I'm so sorry. I'm so fucking sorry."

"I love you too, Josh. And now you have to let go. This is the end." I said, and with that, he let go, and the last thing I heard was his heart shattering as I fell into the cascading water below.