September. (A Josh Ramsay Fic)

Fifteen - Goodbye Addict

-----k this chapter is kinda heavy. tw for hospitals, attempted suicide, self harm, a fuckton of swearing, angst, i think thats it but like,, be careful reading this pls-----

The monotone beep of the heart rate monitor flooded through my ears, rushed through my brain and flowed into my veins. I drowned in the noise, yet breathed it at the same time. The beep told me he was okay. Told me he was alive. I hadn't lost him, not yet.

The doctors told me what had happened- he had a lethal amount of heroin in his bloodstream, and had overdosed. I'd assumed that myself. What we didn't know was why. A million and one questions had rushed through my head in the hours that I had sat alone with an unconscious Josh and his heart rate monitor. Was it an accident? Was it intentional? Did he mean to overdose? My breath hitched at the idea of Josh trying to kill himself- because if he did, it would have been my fault. My fault because I hadn't run after him when he kissed me. My fault because instead of going to his house, I stayed out with Matt.

When the ambulance first arrived at the Ramsay house, sirens turned off and paramedics silent, just as I had requested, they had been initially reluctant to allow me into the ambulance with him.

"Are you a family member?" one blonde medic had asked, looking at Josh's dark brown hair and light blue eyes compared to my light red and deep green, obviously noticing the lack of resemblance.

"N-no, I'm uh, I'm his.. friend." I stumbled. I still wasn't all too sure as to what I was to Josh.

"Well, I'm sorry, but we only allow relatives in the ambulance" she had informed me, looking bored as if this happened to her five times a night. It probably did, I thought.

"I'm all he has right now. Please." I begged, praying my desperation would come through to her.

"Fine" she sighed, most likely recognizing that I would cause trouble if I wasn't allowed with him. "but if anyone asks, you're his cousin."

"September Ramsay, you got it." I nodded, rushing after three medics who were wheeling Josh out of his house through the front door, which I had managed to unlock using his keys.

I was pulled back to the present when I felt Josh's hand move under mine. I looked over at him, and saw his eyes open.

"Josh?" I whispered, hardly daring to believe he was awake. He had been unconscious since I'd found him. His lips were still tinted blue, his mouth cracked and dry.

"tember... what... happened?" He breathed, his voice mumbled under a breathing mask.

"You OD'd, Josh. You took too fucking much" I sighed, resting my head on his lower arm, being wary not to move the IV. "You fucking scared me."

"I'm soh...sorry". He had taken off the breathing mask, and was breathing shallow, as if he couldn't get enough oxygen in his system to speak.

"If I hadn't found you, you'd be dead" I spat, looking him in the eyes. His pupils were smaller than I'd seen them before. "No amount of 'sorry' can make up for this Josh. Do you realise how badly you've fucked up? They're calling your parents in the morning. As soon as it strikes 7am, your parents are going to find out. And you're not even wearing a fucking jumper."

I didn't care how bitter I sounded, especially on the last sentence. At some point before becoming the wreck I had found him as, Josh had cut himself, and pretty deeply too. He'd pathetically wrapped it in toilet paper, but when he arrived here, the first thing the doctors did, before even attempting to flush the drugs from his system, was stitch it and wrap it in a bandage. His self care was sub-par, to say the least. I discovered that this was not the first time he had harmed himself- when the doctors had asked me to change him into a hospital gown, I had found his right thigh thick with scars.

"Oh..." he whispered, thumbing the bedsheets and looking down solemnly. "I'm sorry." he whispered again.

"I don't fucking care" I spat, sitting back in the hard plastic seat I had found discarded in the hall.

"I'm fucking stupid" he sighed.

"You fucking think?" I rolled my eyes at his sudden 'discovery'.

"It's not your fault. I thought I'd fucked everything up with you- I kissed you and then I ran. And then it was 4am, and I was alone- I thought you'd given up on me-"

"Over a fucking kiss? Get over yourself, Josh-"

"I thought you hated me. I don't even know how much I took, just that it was enough to land me here. Although, consciousness wasn't exactly my intention."

"So what was your fucking intention, Josh?!" I yelled, standing up suddenly. I wasn't about to sit here and listen to his shitty self pity. "Oh, let me guess- you wanted to die? Wanted to stop existing?! Over a fucking kiss!? I can't believe you! I find you fucking dying on your bedroom floor, call you a goddamn ambulance, stay for hours with your unconscious ass, praying to a shitty god I don't fucking believe in that maybe, just maybe, you'll wake up, that you'll be okay, and then you do wake up, and you tell me, 'thanks, but I kinda wanted to die'?! You're insufferable. You're a fucking asshole, you know that?! I'm out of here, bye Josh. Have a nice life, you fucking junkie."

And with that, I ran from him. I wasn't even sure where I was going, I just knew that I needed to be as far away from that addict as I could physically manage.