Shards and Feathers

Ten Minutes

It's strange the places your mind goes when you only have ten minutes to live.

How I knew I only had ten minutes, I don't know. Perhaps I used math, math that I don't remember learning. I just know that I will run out of oxygen in ten minutes, and then it will be over. I will suffer without air until I lose consciousness, and I will die of asphyxiation, smothered by the blackness surrounding me.

It all started when I chose to jump. I don't remember much before. I was walking along the mountain, right by a cliff. I couldn't see the bottom of the chasm.

It looked beautiful. It wasn't all black in the emptiness below. There were swirls of color, like mist. And I fell. No, I jumped. I don't know why. In retrospect, it was probably a very bad idea. I can almost hear my father's voice saying, "Alira, what were you thinking?"

But then I was floating. Away. Far, far away. I exited the atmosphere not long after that, surrounded by this multicolored bubble.

Which now only contains eight minutes worth of oxygen for me to breathe.

See, the world around us is a very strange place. How I got here is stark clear in my mind, but I'm starting to forget the small things. I mean things like the name of my school, that boy I hate, my doctor's name. But I remember my parents faces, very clearly.

Seven minutes to live.

The world around me was too silent. I was reminded of all those times I mindlessly listened to music that I don't even remember the tunes to, the things that made me feel angry and powerful. When I listened to those voices ringing through my mind, I began to feel like cursing the world around me. I was the one who deserved to be exalted as a queen, I was the one who was being victimized and mistreated - I always felt that I would cast a spell of wrathful revenge on the world someday. But now I would never think of cursing the world I no longer belong to. It looks so small as I drift slowly away from it. 

It's funny how the emotions are the only things I can remember. Except the beautiful melodies my Mom would sing to me at night. Those I remember.

Five and a half minutes to live.

I remember this special one I always had her sing. It sounded sad to me, like the wind in the trees beside a lake filled with moonlight. I don't know why that scene would be sad either, though. Just something about the imagery and the melody that told a story stronger than words. I didn't even understand the words back then.

I began with a tentative note, testing out my voice. I had a vague memory of screaming on the trip up here, but that all stopped when I saw the earth in all its majesty. We must be in orbit now.

Why did I think we?

The song continued without me realizing it. Was I really the one singing? It sounded faintly like me, but it was different, probably because I'm in space. Or perhaps it was the bubble surrounding me. Acoustics are tricky.

It began as a single tear. I realized that my mouth was moving from memory, and I let it. The music was more surreal than down in my bedroom. It had an ethereal feel, like the world around me had vanished and I was in heaven.

Which, I guess, was partly true.

I stopped singing. The music continued. And my mother's voice carried me through the veil into the unknown.

Three minutes to live.

The world was so blue, and I realized my parents were down there somewhere, with my little sisters and my best friends. I remembered all the times I denied that I had a crush, lied to my mom, or kept my little sister's drawings in my drawer instead of throwing them away.

And the day I thought about what I would do in my last moments. I never thought it would end like this. But I had decided I would hold me chin up, and take it. I didn't know I would go insane first.

One minute to live.

But I loved music too much to lose it in the end. And so I sang. The last minute of my life I opened up my mouth, I opened up my soul. And I let the real melody ring through the air for the first time in my life. It wasn't fabricated meaningless notes, it was the life, a soul, as it left for the last time, as it separated itself from the body and the air and the physical which held it bound. I would become free. My voice carried that which I could not hold on my own, my voice carried everything. The ether, the void was filled with it. My soul.

Oh, my soul. I would have thee.

Ten seconds to live.

My love, my life, my soul, my light. It will carry on. Though I can see no one in this void of mine to hear my voice, I will carry on. I must always carry on... I must always... I will... My voice will ring with... the melodies of... one hundred hearts I will... I will live... without. I will... live...

Oh, Alira.

My Alira.