Finding Me, A Jian Story | COMPLETE

"I dont amount to the world he wants to travel."

THANKS FOR 100 VOTES THATS CRAZY SON

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Kian's Pov

There's honestly no way I could be any fucking happier than I am right now.

Jc and I are currently laying on the couch, just watching Netflix. I'm stretching across the length of the couch while Jc finds a comfy spot on my chest. He settles on curling up on my left and controlling the tv, which is on my right. I close my eyes while he chooses.

I feel his hands moving across my chest, which is somewhat comforting.

"Kian?" He prodded me. I breathed in the scent of his hair, ignoring him.

Another jab of his ink ridden arm.

"Kiian?" I internally groan. I just want to take a nap with my.. My what? Boyfriend? Best friend? Friend with benefits? I hope not.

"Whaat?" I whine, shaking my head back and forth with my eyes closed. I hear him laugh his beautiful laugh.

"What do you wanna watch?" I hear him click the remote several times before I open my eyes and look at him.

His wild brown curls are all over the place, but I don't care. He's healthy, shining his bright moon smile, and his big brown eyes are happier than I've seen him in a long time. It's nice to be the cause of someone's happiness for once.

I sit up a bit and stared at the screen.

"Is Tangled on?" I ask tiredly. My eyes are already getting sleepy dust in them, like the fairies that sprinkle it there are begging me to sleep.

I can't say I want to deny their request.

He groaned, then I heard the remote clicking even faster than before. I close my eyes again.

"It isn't?" I ask slowly. He still hasn't seen it before, but he can't put it off forever. Tangled is the best fucking movie ever.

He sighed, so I crack my eyes open to see what's got him so upset. He's glaring at the tv.

"No.. It's on in," he stopped to check his phone. "Five minutes."

"Fucking finally!" I cheer, instantly awake. I don't want to miss my movie, anyways. Even if this is probably going on twenty some times I've watched it.

"I'll get snacks.." Jc muttered, slipping into the kitchen. I heard a few profanities and cabinets slam, probably him being an overdramatic baby, and then he was beside me, moodily chomping on Cool Ranch Doritos.

I laugh at his childish pout, and then the infamous Disney castle plays on the screen.

"ITS STARTING!" I scream, bouncing in my seat. I'd long since abandoned my stretched out position and sat up to see the screen better. Jc seemed upset by this and sunk into the cushions, glaring at the tv some more as if to say "Why the fuck would you play this."

I'm probably pretty accurate.

I leaned back on the couch in excited anticipation and Jc instantly cuddled into me, dorito breath and all, but I don't care. I'm pretty sure I'm in love with him by now.

•••

"How'd you like it?!" I turned to face my best-friend-maybe-boyfriend and be made a face, half asleep.

" 'S okay." He mumbled, clawing at my shirt. "I wanna take a nap."

"You slept through the whole movie.." I mumble, but lay down for Jc nevertheless. He curls up and is instantly unconscious. I watch his chest rise and fall as he sleeps, his mouth making weird whistling noises.

Awh, so cute.

Somehow, because I wasn't even close to being considered tired, I fell asleep. It was a light sleep, light enough to feel Jc moving around on my chest. Light enough to not even know if I was sleeping or not. Light enough to have a clear head, with nothing to dream about but everything to think about.

I thought about what Jc and I are. If he wanted to be my boyfriend, like I so desperately wanted to be his. But hey, I got this far. I can kiss him when I want to, he attacks me with hugs and we cuddle all the time. So yeah, I've made it his far. And yes I'm happy but I'm not content. Not when I'm not sure if Jc thinks it's okay to go and make out with another girl because technically we don't owe each other anything.

But I don't want to be the one to bring it up.

Hell, we're not even in a relationship and I can tell I like him more than he likes me. I'm gonna be the one who'll fall apart if anything threatens what we have. I'll be the one going down and he'll be momentarily hurt until he moves on the next phase of his adventurous life.

But this is my life. I don't want to travel everywhere and meet new people and see new things. I know what we have now is amazing, but I also know it isn't something that's permanent. This isn't what he wants, even if it's exactly what I want. This is my forever, but I can't force him to waste the rest of his life with just me. I don't amount to the world he wants to travel. And I understand.

Part of me is telling myself to just live in the moment. Don't worry about the future and all it carries. I should be happy I have him now and although that won't last forever, at least I'll have the opportunity to enjoy it while it's here instead of worrying when it'll end.

But the other part of me knows that's not what I'm gonna do. I'm not the type of person that "goes with the flow" or doesn't worry. I need to feel safe and secure before I can truly enjoy the moment, because I know it's not going to end.

As weird as that sounds, I know it's the truth.

And when I woke up in the middle of our lazy day spent together, I stared at him. I stared at Jc, wondering how in the world I got lucky enough to meet him, let alone kind of maybe date him.

But there's always that something that ruins the moment.

And that something hit me as I stared at the one person who drove me absolutely insane.

It hit me hard in the gut, forming a pit in my stomach that all my assurance fell through.

I know that whatever we have is only temporary. Very temporary. I know that he doesn't like me like I like him. (Dumb fucking English language) I know he wants to travel the world and see everything there is to see, and I want to stay in our house in Los Angeles. I know all that.

But it didn't fully sink into until then.

The fact that this beautiful boy is going to leave me someday, maybe soon, maybe not. The fact that my heart is going to break and I don't know when, but I know it's going to happen.

And I'm fucking terrified.

So I hugged that beautiful boy to my chest and held him there, afraid to let go. I never want to let go.

I sat there with his unconscious form and cried my eyes out.

•••
This was kind of a filler, but it has a lot of important stuff at the end.

How is it??

Do you kind of see where I'm going with the story, those of you who told me to continue with this new plot I'm forming?

Well I'm definitely continuing, so here's the second "phase" of the story, I guess.

Thanks for 100 votes! That's awesome! Super grateful!

Also, I didn't realize how close we are to 2k reads! We have 1.82 right now!!!

Thanks again for the wait and check out my other Jian story, Dead End!

-ColorMeJian